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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

210 replies

sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:33

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

OP posts:
hambler · 24/07/2009 21:12

yama, fair point, but I do agree with sunfleurs most couples look miserable in public.
Not all, but most.

whelk · 24/07/2009 21:13

Sunfleur- good for you!! I grew up with a single Mum and we did stuff that we stopped doing when she got a partner, just stupid things like you describe. It was fab!
I love dh deeply and love the time we have together but i must confess to having a few of those moments (doing something he wouldn't do!!) when its just me and our dds!! With the risk of sounding like a 'talk to the hand' type- you go girl!!

HerBeatitude · 24/07/2009 21:13

No I think if a relationship is so full of compromise that nobody ever gets what they want, then by definition it isn't a good relationship - it's a bad one.

yama · 24/07/2009 21:13

Sunfleurs - I wouldn't have to check with dp if I could do anything. Mind you I was 30 when we got together so wouldn't expect to check with anybody if I wanted a drink/pizza/night out etc.

I would offer dp something though if I were having it as that is polite.

FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 21:14

Not quite sure what your SIL and the dog have got to do with it though .

I mean - if her DP doesn't like dogs (multiple reasons why that could be, some valid, some not) I hardly think it's fair that she should have the dog just because she wants to.

HAmbler - so if I look around me next time I'm in town and see a couple having a disagreement over something that means their relationship isn't good does it?

God I'd never judge a relationship one a snap shot outside in a public place!

I can't believe for one minute that some of you never compromise! Actuall I think I'd be rather bored in a relationship where neither of us ever had to compromise about anything - I don't want to live with a clone of myself

whelk · 24/07/2009 21:15

Did I just type 'you go girl'- apologies to all. Whelk coughs in an English manner and shuffles off shaking her crustacean head!

yama · 24/07/2009 21:15

Hambler - I agree they do (look miserable). However, being in public is mundane isn't it?

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 21:15

sunfluers - we both check with each other that we are free to go out, etc. on specific nights. We do so incase anything is arranged - esp DH as he rarely looks at the calendar - or to check DD will be cared for. That, for me and DHm is part of our relationship, to okay things with one another. This does not mean either of us can't do things that we want to. We respect one another and we care for one another. We may not agre with one another every time, but differences of opinion are allowed. We don't really argue as such much though.

I personally love being in a relationship with my DH, and feel extremely happy. Have felt good about our relationship for the past 19 years so far anyway.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:17

Portsblack, I am not saying everyone should be single, not saying that at all. Personally I find the endless compromise required to make a relationship work rather soul destroying. However my exh is a real arse in more ways than I care to go into here so maybe I just couldn't stand compromising for him. But I honestly do see a lot of it about with people I know who appear to be with decent men.

I believe though that one person always gets their way more than the other in any relationship and that is contributes greatly to a "successful, long lasting relationship.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 21:18

I'm sorry but bringing an animal in the house might be a big deal for some people who are you to make judgements?..seems cool to discuss it with the person you live with..tbh sometimes I use the old 'I'll have to talk to DH' to get out of doing something I don't really fancy doing..lol

whelk · 24/07/2009 21:19

Ah but the compromise in public is more than made up for by the animal sex behind closed doors!

Momdeguerre · 24/07/2009 21:20

I do check with my dh - over lots of things - we both do. Childcare is complicated, we like to see each other and we both work full time on weird shifts and so we do compromise so that we can spend time together.

I don't see compromise as being a bad thing? I don't compromise myself - just consider our life together ahead of less important things.

Any compromise I make for DH is nothing in comparison to the compromises I make for my lo - if you have kids then do you apply the same rule? Eveyone ends up compromising.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:21

SIL and dog is an example of someone who was single acting totally differently once in a relationship and submitting their own wants to someone elses. Not sure why that was confusing, hope that is clearer.

I would very much not want to be in a relationship were I had to request permission to look after my SIL's dog? In fact I can catergorically tell you I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't expect a partner of mine to have to either, when it was already a long term arrangement.

Thanks Hambler, think we are very much in the minority though .

OP posts:
PortBlacksandResident · 24/07/2009 21:24

Weeeell - i may have been a bit defensive as my DH is laid back about me having a life / interests / opinions of my own - i'm lucky.

But i'll give you this - i do see alot of women who give up their hobbies. That annoys me. Their DH is off in the shed / fishing / at footy etc. and they give up hobby time to clean. They feel guilty if they sew / play netball / play piano etc. as they should be doing something for the good of the family.

Momdeguerre · 24/07/2009 21:24

I think there is a huge difference between compromise - eg considering your partners feeling on having a dog to stay - compared to control where you have to ask permission.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:24

No I don't compromise with my dc. I put them first in absolutely everything so the need never arises, but I would if it did because that is a totally different relationship isn't it?

All of you answering my op, who makes the most compromises in your relationship would you say?

OP posts:
Momdeguerre · 24/07/2009 21:27

sunfleurs - surely that means you must compromise yourself - unless you are always happy to do exactly as they want to ?

My DH compromises me than me.

FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 21:27

I'd say it's pretty equal the compromises in this household - so neither of us gets our own way more than the other.

And yes I do check stuff with DH, he also checks stuff with me. I have his feelings to consider, he has my feelings to consider. I'd consider it a pretty shit relationship if either of us just had to "put up" with the other persons wishes with no regards to how we felt about it.

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 21:29

Well I'd not be impressed with DH bring a dog into our home TBH. I don't think that is unreasonable for someone to check, although DH would know that in advance anyway.

We both make compromises, and we both have our own way sometimes. Similarly we both make compromises when it comes to DD. We don't tally up though.

I do think you seem to have a very negative impression of normal happy relatinships. I am not sure how any truely happy and workable relationship could have two people doing entirely their own thing all the time, with no consideration of the other partner's views or opnions. To me that would be the worst type of relationship.

FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 21:30

ooo Hula has put what I was trying to say much better than I did

SolidGoldBrass · 24/07/2009 21:31

Well, everyone has to compromise with other people some of the time. And WRT your sister and the dog, maybe her DP is allergic to dogs? (I am allergic to dogs and would be very pissed off if someone brought one into my house without asking me).
However, I agree with you that being single is better than couplehood. I have never enjoyed couplehood much when I did it, so now do not do it.

pjmama · 24/07/2009 21:33

I'm sure being single has its advantages, but who would mow the lawn and wash the car...?

p.s. ignore me, I've had a drink...

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:33

I am not compromising in a negative way with them though, we have a great time together so pretty much anything we do is great. I am not talking about parent and small child relationships, it is not relevant to this.

I am talking about equal, adult relationships where you make a few compromises out of love, the other person gets used to it, you get pissed off with compromising so stop doing it so much and then the rows and bickering start OR you just keep on compromising more and more until one of you is pretty much in charge and always getting their own way, so no rows - "happy and successful relationship". I just see this constantly.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 24/07/2009 21:34

The way i see it relationships are not 'power games' but 'give and take'.

'Compromise' is not a dirty word and should come natural anyway when you love someone.

It is life in general. It is full of compromises but this is not a bad thing, it is part of living in a society. Give and take.

HerBeatitude · 24/07/2009 21:36

pjmama - me and the kids wash the car together (badly)and they have lots of fun (more fun than I do) and I mow the grass (lawn would be overstating the case...)

It is infrequent though.