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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

219 replies

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:17

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

OP posts:
Tamarto · 17/07/2009 15:19

You think he should say yes because it's what you want, what about what he wants?

EldonAve · 17/07/2009 15:20

if it matters that much then ditch him and find someone new to have child no3 with

belgo · 17/07/2009 15:21

I think if you don't get on very well and if you suspect that you will break up in a few years time then a third baby is absolutely the last thing you should have.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/07/2009 15:22

What did you discuss about how many children you would have when you got married and started your family?

What are your DH's reasons for not wanting any more?

Domokun · 17/07/2009 15:23

YABU. Very unreasonable.

Think about the effect breaking up the family would have on your existing kids. Also, think about whether it's fair to have another child in circumstances where it's not wanted by both parents.

MamaLazarou · 17/07/2009 15:26

YABU

You want to have a child with someone you don't even get on with and who you say doesn't care about your feelings?

You strange woman.

Greensleeves · 17/07/2009 15:27

I think it's ludicrous that people are saying YABU

You can't HELP how you feel about this, you haven't chosen to be unhappy and crave something which your dh doesn't want. I have huge sympathy for you, you are in a terrible position. Perhaps people forget how intense the drive to have a baby can be, if you feel that your family is not complete and you want to be a mother to another child more than anything else in the world. Of course YANBU.

I can't offer any really helpful advice though I'm afraid, it looks like a catch 22

the only think I can say is make sure you talk, talk and talk again with your dh, in a non-confrontational way, in the hope that talking and being honest about each other's deepest feelings will change the feelings of one of you.

Beyond that, I don't know what would be best, only you and your dh can decide that

TrillianAstra · 17/07/2009 15:27

YANBU to think it might be a deal-breaker, everyone has things that are more important to them than anything else. But you should consider it very carefully before you do anythign about it.

YABU to expect your DH to want another just because you do. If you think that him refusing another child means that he doesn't care about you, your pestering him for another child could equally show that you don't respect his feelings.

You say 'what if we break up soon' - do you have any reason to believe that you will, other than this?

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:27

"You think he should say yes because it's what you want, what about what he wants?"

Yes I know that and can see that point of view but he works and I am the child carer. You can equally say why should he have the say on this.

We never really had an agreement as to how many. He knew I wanted several - I have always said 4. He says becaue he wants a full nights sleep in the nect few years. Really it is because they interfere with his other interests..friends,sports etc. And of course children are hard work we all know this.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 17/07/2009 15:28

and leaping down the throat of someone who has posted that she is crying and depressed in the OP - nice

belgo · 17/07/2009 15:29

verysadtoday - I'm sorry I think my post sounded harsh.

I know what it's like to long for a third child. But you really need to concentrate on your relationship with your husband. You will not find happiness by forcing him into having a third child when there are problems in your relationship.

Tamarto · 17/07/2009 15:29

'You can equally say why should he have the say on this.'

Just

Qally · 17/07/2009 15:29

3 kids is a big family by modern standards, and he's happy with 2. While I completely sympathise with the craving for a baby, he's not a passive bystander. He's a parent. You say this shows how little he cares for you, but this isn't only about you. You seem blind to how your insistence on a third might make him feel, nor to how threatening your marriage for a child who doesn't exist might harm the two who already do.

And as has been said, a shaky marriage is no place to create another life. He's not being unreasonable in wanting a say in his own fertility and parenting responsibilities - sorry, but YABU.

Tamarto · 17/07/2009 15:31

leaping down her throat or disagreeing?

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:31

"You say 'what if we break up soon' - do you have any reason to believe that you will, other than this? "

We don't get on brilliantly - but then neither do many of my friends in couples - it is difficult to tell if we bicker more then most.

However if he says no and that is it I think it is wrong for him to moan that why am I not happy, why am I down etc as he knows why. I can't just say ok then and be hunkydory about it - I just can't help it - I can't

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 17/07/2009 15:32

belgo might have been harsh but she is also completely right. Do you think the reason your DH has said no to more children is BECAUSE you don't get on brilliantly? You need to fix your relationship not have another child.

AvengingGerbil · 17/07/2009 15:33

'but he works and I'm the child carer'.

So he's also expected to provide financially for a third child that he doesn't want.

Domokun · 17/07/2009 15:33

'Yes I know that and can see that point of view but he works and I am the child carer. You can equally say why should he have the say on this.'

Because that's how it works - you both need to agree.

Of course YANBU to feel the way you do. But to break up your family over it would be very unreasonable. You would be putting your own happiness over that of your kids and husband, assuming that all other things are equal.

It's a horrible position to be in, but lots and lots of women find themselves here and there's nothing that can be done. It's not your fault for wanting another child, and it's not your husband's fault for not wanting one.

MamaLazarou · 17/07/2009 15:33

I am sorry if I seemed nasty.

I do think that if a third baby is a huge bone of contention in a struggling marriage, then the problems should be sorted out before the third child is conceived.

I also believe begging and pleading is not an effective form of communication in a marriage and that the subject should be talked about calmly and rationally, perhaps in the presence of a third party, if necessary.

Qally · 17/07/2009 15:35

No, expecting you not to grieve over it is unreasonable too, I agree. He can't have it both ways either.

Have you considered going to Relate, stressing to your DH that it's just about this specific issue? Sometimes it's easy not to really hear one another over a distressing subject, if that makes sense. Having a third party there can help, and one of you may find you feel differently?

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:36

Thanks for your posts - at least it shows the other side of it not just the no I get. The decision should be equal but the "no" gets the decision here so it is not really equal I am just being told what I can and cannit do - at least that is how I feel.

And while

"I know what it's like to long for a third child. But you really need to concentrate on your relationship with your husband. You will not find happiness by forcing him into having a third child when there are problems in your relationship"

makes a lot of sense it is hard to work on it when I feel such a great resentment.

OP posts:
wolfnipplechips · 17/07/2009 15:39

YABU and putting your own needs in front of everyone in the family, if you split over this your dc will be effected and would you want to have a dc that may not have a good relationship with his father.

YANBU to be upset though, i still haven't come to terms with not having another and secretly hope dh will change his mind in the future.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:40

I was thinking earlier today about counselling over ths - I think he woudl flip at the thought though.

A lot of what has been posted is very sensible - however things cannot be fixed over night and the boat will well and truly have sailed. It just makes me really sad.

OP posts:
MaggieBeBold · 17/07/2009 15:48

I think that approximate timeframe when your youngest is between 20 months and 36 months is the hardest if you're struggling with those feelings.

THoughts like 'now or never' and "it'll be too late soon" do laps of your head ALL the time.

But I think, and other people have said the same to me, that those feelings lessen slightly when your youngest gets to about four yrs old..

HOWEVER, I'd say that you should split up because you don't get on, you feel animosity between you, he 1) doesn't care what you want, and 2)doesn't care that you're distressed about it, telling you about friends' babies etc.

Not saying that he should just cave in and agree to what you want. But it sounds like you want to have a baby with a man you're not certain about anymore. Don't trap yourself.

Split up, and it'll either happen by some miracle, or you'll accept it with a little bit of sadness, but maybe your freedom will bring you new opportunities that put a spring back in your step.

I left an awful man. In a perfect World I would have liked another child, but I am glad I left. all my other problems and desires and worries seem easier to deal with now.

Qally · 17/07/2009 15:48

If you present the counselling as for you, so you can come to terms with the baby situation, might he be more willing to go? Say that you need this to find a way of living with it?

I do think it's hard to understand what a huge thing a baby craving can be, if you've not experienced it. Especially as your DH must think, well, she's got two! hopefully counselling can help him understand where you're coming from and vice versa.

Sadly when it comes to wanting babies, the person who doesn't has to have their wants prioritised, because it's too big a thing to force anyone into, IMO. Painful, but how it is.