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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

219 replies

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:17

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/07/2009 15:55

There is no compromise to be had in this situation, you can't have half a baby.

It is madness to have another baby in an already shaky marriage.

You have to make the decision, if he will not budge (as is his right) then you have to decide whether you having another baby is more important (for everyone) than staying married.

If you have a time limit on that then you have a time limit. Also if you leave your DH are you intending to use donor sperm or will you hope that you meet someone in time?

BroodyChook · 17/07/2009 15:56

OP, you have my sympathies. I too would love a third child, and my DH is adament that two is our limit. I have tried everything to get him to see it from my point of view, and I believe that he does, but ultimately he just doesn't want another. We went through a really rough patch over this, and I too considered leaving him because the desire was so strong. However, I realised that breaking up the family because of a selfish want on my part was very unreasonable (the marriage is brilliant apart from this one thing). It's hard, but I'm learning to live with it. YANBU to feel so sad

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 16:02

Do you want him or a baby?

What if you could fix your marriage but still no third baby?

What if you could have another baby but you would have to divorce your husband?

I understand the want as I would have liked more children and my husband said no.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:02

This sounds a bit sarcastic? Is it meant to be?

People decide to have babies on their own all the time so why is the fact I am married make so much difference or rather why does my desire make the fact abhorrent? The general gist (not all) of these posts is I feel that I should sacrifice my wants for the greater good - I can see why this would be but I feel like I am expected to do this on most things now even as to whether I have children. It is almost like I am a mum so I come last even on the most fundamental desires

" Also if you leave your DH are you intending to use donor sperm or will you hope that you meet someone in time? " I will never meet anyone else - that boat has sailed too. I suppose it would be donor sperm?

Now I am all confused and no happier. I just know I will resent this forever.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 16:03

Cross posted with you there.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:03

sorry my post above was directed at Morloth's post.

OP posts:

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:04

Broodychook do you mind me asking how old you are?

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Greensleeves · 17/07/2009 16:05

I feel really sorry for you VST, it's an awful situation to be in

Tamarto · 17/07/2009 16:07

But that is what being a mum is, we put our children and their needs before our own.

In main anyway.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:07

Do you want him or a baby?

him ( when he is nice) and definitely

What if you could fix your marriage but still no third baby?

I would love it to be fixed but I would still have deep regret

What if you could have another baby but you would have to divorce your husband?

this isn't really what I want to happen

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/07/2009 16:07

Not sarcastic at all, when I am being sarcastic you won't need to ask.

But seriously, you have to choose don't you?

You can either choose to stay and be unhappy about not having another, you can choose to stay and try to not be unhappy (but you can't control how you feel), you can choose to leave and hope that you meet someone to have another baby, or you could leave and use donor sperm.

You can't choose anything for your DH, the only person you can control is yourself. But your choices will have consequences for your children and your DH - whether you stay or go. Only you can decide what is the best course of action.

BroodyChook · 17/07/2009 16:08

"I just know I will resent this forever"

Have you told DH this? I did, and it upset him hugely, but he still said no in the end. His (completely valid) argument was that he wouldn't deliberately bring a baby into the world for any reason other than that it was wanted. When viewed that way, I couldn't argue with him. I wouldn't want a baby that he didn't want. I also completely understand the anger that you're expected to sacrifice something you so desperately want. There are no easy answers, unfortunately.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:09

"But that is what being a mum is, we put our children and their needs before our own.

In main anyway. "

I know this - but not your whole being surely?

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/07/2009 16:10

When you choose to have children you are effectively choosing to put their needs before your own desires. It is just the way it is. However you need to remember that your happiness is also one of their needs. There isn't any easy answer.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:10

greensleeves on a lighter note - what lovely children and cakes you have on your profile.

OP posts:

BroodyChook · 17/07/2009 16:11

Sorry, x post

I'm 31 next month. I suffered horrendously with hyperemesis in both pregnancies, so that is an added factor. Although many women have successful pregnancies well into their forties, it is extremely unlikely that that would be the case for me. I was 24 when my youngest son was born, and barely scraped through the pregnancy.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:11

"When you choose to have children you are effectively choosing to put their needs before your own desires. It is just the way it is. However you need to remember that your happiness is also one of their needs. There isn't any easy answer. "

That is some of the crux - an unhappy mum is not a fantastic mum.

OP posts:

Tamarto · 17/07/2009 16:11

If your whole being revolves around you having another child you need some real help.

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:13

Sorry to hear about your difficulty in pregnancy - I was n't the greatest at being pregnant either. I am nearly 10 years older then you though.

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/07/2009 16:13

What happens if your DH changes his mind and it doesn't happen anyway?

OrmIrian · 17/07/2009 16:14

I sympathise, I really do, but don't you think you insisting on having one against his will is also a dealbreaker?

Tamarto · 17/07/2009 16:15

Sorry my last post read back a bit sharp.

I sympathise with wanting another baby i've been there.

Why would you having another make everything else right?

Do you think you could be a tad depressed as well?

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:15

"If your whole being revolves around you having another child you need some real help"

I think you are taking this a little out of context - I meant sacrificing everything about you for your family is not a great thing to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:17

"What happens if your DH changes his mind and it doesn't happen anyway?"

This is what I think might happen - give him 2 years and he will say yes and it really will be too late as I am rapidly going down the other side of the hill.

The thought of this does not make me feel as sad as just being told no somehow.

OP posts:

Original poster

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:19

Why would you having another make everything else right?

I did n't say it would - it would make me happier though

Do you think you could be a tad depressed as well?

More then a tad I suspect. And this issue isn't really helping.

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