To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

[verysadtoday]

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

FAQ, there is a very high risk that the marriage will break down anyway if she goes ahead and has the baby he does not want.

You have highlighted precisely how selfish a decision it is for a woman to ignore her partner's reluctance, biological imperative or not. Is it fair for a woman to put (further) strain on her marriage to the detriment of her other dcs to satisfy her desire for another child, come hell or highwater?

I don't understand your question about 'moral for who', unless you consider coercion or trickery to be morally acceptable.

well you're suggesting that the best possible moral solution is for her to leave him and find someone else to have another baby with. That's a good moral solution? - perhaps it is as it avoids coercing her DH into having another child.

However, it doesn't take into account the children she already has.

What's to say she leaves and then doesn't find someone else to have a 3rd with, or finds someone willing to have a 3rd but is unable to conceive anyhow? She'll then be in an even worse position, out of a marriage that could (perhaps) have been saved with some help with regards to talking about the issue of her wanting a 3rd and him not (I don't think I'd get on brilliantly with my DH if I kept nagging and pleading with him for a 4th). AND she wouldn't have her 3rd child either.

This isn't JUST about her - it's about her DH and the 2 DC that already exist as well

and perhaps the marriage won't break down if she doesn't have the 3rd baby?

At the end of the day the OP has to decide which is more important to her

a 3rd child
her current family unit

no-one else can decide for her, but I don't personally believe that a decision such as this should be based on purely irrational (and desiring another baby is mostly irrational) feelings alone.

I posted further down the thread, my marriage was on the rocks for years with this situation. I worked my arse off trying to come to terms with the fact that i had to accept dh's choices. It wasn't my choice though.
It took 5 to 6 years of resenting him and basically allowing our relationship to fail.
Now we have split up and there is no more arguing. Luckily my dds have coped well.
I wish that he would have changed his mind years ago.
We talked about it on thursday, and are both so sad about the situation.
I am menopausal now, we are both in new relationships.
There is no going back.

I started to get extremely broody for a 3rd about 6 months ago.
DH said firmly that a 3rd was not something he wanted. He gave justifiable reasons which made sense to me but i was going on my feelings which were intense.

After a while dh said that if i wanted another baby so bad then he would have one to make me happy. Instead of feeling happy i realised how selfish that would have been. To have a baby i wanted us both to want it equally.

I still get wistful over prams and baby gros but am happy and grateful to have my 2 beautiful healthy children and my lovely dh.

OP... try to imagine if you didn't want anymore, your dh did and was actually contemplating ending the marriage should you not have one.

FAQ: "What's to say she leaves and then doesn't find someone else to have a 3rd with, or finds someone willing to have a 3rd but is unable to conceive anyhow? She'll then be in an even worse position, out of a marriage that could (perhaps) have been saved with some help with regards to talking about the issue of her wanting a 3rd and him not (I don't think I'd get on brilliantly with my DH if I kept nagging and pleading with him for a 4th). AND she wouldn't have her 3rd child either.

This isn't JUST about her - it's about her DH and the 2 DC that already exist as well"

What you described sounds all about HER. You then make an illogical leap from being all about her to being about her DH and 2 dcs as well.

Let's call a spade a spade. The desire of a woman to have a child against her partner's wishes is entirely selfish, whether or not or even how it ultimately breaks up the original family unit.

no you misunderstand me.

Some people on this thread are saying that perhaps she should take the risks of leaving in hope of getting her 3rd child to satisfy her own feelings.

However, I am saying that this isn't just about her - she's not the only person that will be affected if she decides to leave in order to pursue her dream.

FAQ, we are violently agreeing then!

oh

I am sorry but I can not understand why you would break up the family of the children you do have for the sake of one you don't.

I agree with you kimi, much much much.

I asked my dh earlier whether he would just say no if I wanted a child and he didn't. He said "God, that would be a bit mean" and I thanked my lucky stars I'm not married to one of the people on this thread who thinks that being the no vote gives you an automatic veto.

It's like listening to the Ulster Unionists of the reproductive world. "I said NOoooooooo"

The op will be no more to blame than her intransigent husband. He too is risking his marriage for a non-existent baby.

There is no way to compromise here but to not felt heard on this, just overruled, is bound to make someone resentful, and that puts strain on the marriage that may end up being intolerable.

I have two children with my First Husband, I made it very clear to new DP that I would not be having his children (he has NO children of his own) I made this clear early on, it is non negotiable and in the event of an accident there would not be a baby, this too I made clear.

I wonder why people do not talk about this before they get married and have children.

If DP felt that he could not live with out a child of his own then he would not be with me he had that choice.
But you have two children already and it would be heartbreaking to break up their family over a child that does not exist.
Also babys are not band aids to be stuck over a failing marriage, it never works

" he too his risking his marriage for a non existant baby"

Skid i kind of get what your saying, however, i've tried looking at it this way.
If my dh said to me i want a 3rd baby and bascically if i don't get one with you then i may have to leave you and break up the family we have built together. If i'm honest i would think, well if me and our 2 existing children arn't enough for you and you are prepared to leave me over this then go..

This is basically what the OP is suggesting to us.

After several, rather traumatic, miscarriages my dh refused to keep trying for dc2 and insisted ds would be fine as an only child. I was convinced I needed another baby and it nearly destroyed our marriage.
I can honestly say the counselling we eventually recieved was fantastic. We initially went because of my resentment issues. It flowed over into every area of my life, but trust me when I say, another baby is not your 'whole self' it just feels like that right now.
I really recommend counselling. Once I calmed down and started working on our Marriage and time with ds our relationship improved massively. 6 months on dh has just told me he would be willing to try again now if I still want.
He might not have said it, but I'm sure another dc would be more appealing to him if your relationship were more stable.
Get yourself along to some counselling, even if it's just to stop the resentment blinding you from the things you once loved about your dh.

barsnleybelle

Really? If it was upsetting him that much your reaction would be to tell him to leave rather than suggest counselling to help you guys get past it?

Wanting another child is not a rejection of your existing family as "not being enough". If it were, presumably most people would have one child and no more. Or no children if their spouses were particularly possessive.

If your spouse tells you that something is bothering them enough to consider leaving, surely the response is to try to help them with it, even if the end result won't be what they want.

I'm not sure this issue works well in reverse though. The asymmetry of impact of having a baby on a man and woman means you're not comparing like with like.

Agree with pizazz that the constructive approach is for OP to drop the demand for a 3rd child and to work on improving the marriage first.

skidoodle: "If your spouse tells you that something is bothering them enough to consider leaving, surely the response is to try to help them with it, even if the end result won't be what they want."

What do you mean by try to help them? Just listening and/or getting counselling and then still saying no? Or having a baby against their wishes.

Problem here is that you either have a baby or not. There are no compromises. If the woman can be satisfied with just being heard, even if the answer still remains no, that is fine. But is it really likely that she would be satisfied with this, considering the woman is not even being rational in her desire.

How do you feel about this now OP?
There is a lot of sense spoken here, i wish i had followed some of the advice.
Not that i regret leaving a failing, resentful marriage. I wish i was able to overcome my desire for my more children in the first place.

My Dh knew that i was willing to do everything for my family.. main carer, supporting him through uni, moving, downsizing.. and so on.
It does sound irrational but i suppose his complete refusal of having more babies made me feel invisible to him.

Good luck VST, i hope it works out.

There have been many helpful posts on here - not sure I am very clearer. The fact that I shoud not have another child in an already rocky relationship is, of course, very sensible. Unfortunately I think this relationship might fail with or without another baby (and my desire to have more children is not an attempt to save the marriage). It is just very unfortunate that at my age I will probably be left with no marriage, my children will be uprooted, no third child and no hope of having any more either. I kind of wish this had all happened earlier but I guess that's life.

Incidentally I did look into Relate many monns ago and there was something like a 6 month wait to see anyone - way to long for us to wait - does anyone know any other sources of counselling or can recommend any in particular in Londonish area?

Thank you all so much.

www.tccr.org.uk

But sad, if you looked at relate "many months ago" and it was a 6 month wait wouldn't you now be seeing someone?

If you think your "marriage will fail with or without another baby" why would you want to have a 3rd child knowing that it's likely to be born to a father who didn't want it?

I want to sympathise, i really do, as i said i too had the 3rd child longing which DH was against, but i'm struggling to see any of your logic. If i'm perfectly honest i think your last post sounded a little selfish.

Instead of thinking how "unfortunate" you are consider how insanely lucky you are to have been blessed with 2 already.

Perhaps yor DH also feels as you do that your "marriage will fail with or without another baby".

This is perhaps 'the very very good well thought out reason' that I alluded to way back up the thread and that REALLY underlies his desire not to have another child with you.

Before you do consider having any more children I do feel that you need to resolve that question first.

verysad, I'm hoping I'm not pushing things too far here, but is this all really more to do with fear of ageing? Fear of an irreversible physical situation? I think you need to get to the heart of what's bothering you, because it sounds like much more than simply having the third/not having the third. again, apologies if that is overstepping the mark.