To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

[verysadtoday]

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

You are very astute.

First let me state I REALLY DO want another baby. I may not be the best mother (indeed my mothering skills are a source of great criticism by my husband and his mum) but I do try my best. There is nothing better then when my children come and climb up on the sofa to sit on me and cuddle - both of them together.

ok here are the looney bits that I hope others can understand and which I want to reiterate are not the reason I want more children but I am aware they are there.

I do have a slight fear of growing old and being on my own. More then that I have a fear of dying and not being with my children when they might need me but I guess we all do. This is not constant but I do feel it every now and then. More then that though is a fear I have (sometimes really strong) that something mght happen to my children (particularly when I hear about some tragic accident etc.). Not only would it kill me but also one might be left without a sibling and that might ruin their life too. This thought I feel does encourage me to want to have more children.

I suspect I am not the only mum to worry about this and please don't anyone say have counselling for this irrational fear and then my yearning for a baby will subside.
This is not the reason I want another baby I am just aware of these feelings I sometimes have and you did ask.

verysad... Bless you for your total honesty. My heart aches after reading your last post.
I have no constructive advice i'm afraid but could not read your post and leave.

I would like a dc4, but won't have it because I'm worried about how to manage if something happened to my dh, or how he would manage if something happened to me. It would already be a challenge as it is. There's no reason why anything should happen to either of us, but I often have irrational fears since having children.

Anyway, maybe it's better to enjoy what you've got rather than always wanting more of everything.

Hi Verysad,
honestly, you are not alone in feeling like that sometimes. If that makes you a looney, then can I join you?
I think parenthood changes everything - suddenly, you are not the end of the line, you've passed on the evolutionary baton. You are more accutely aware of mortality, because you're more accutely aware of the intensity of love. There's just no way of getting round that. It definitely intensifies the need to experience mothering a baby again (as opposed to a growing child with their greater independence away from you).

The more you reveal about your marriage the more difficult this situation sounds. Really wish I had an answer.

I have one DD and my husband doesn't want to have another baby. I have accepted this because I LOVE and RESPECT my husband, and also don't want to rock the family boat for my wonderful DD.

You already have 2 kids. I think you need to focus on them rather than your own selfish desires. Get over it - babies become PEOPLE. I'd hate to be one of your current kids who aren't enough for you.

Sorry, but you sound selfish, greedy and wingeing. Grow the fuck up.

(Oh and get a job while your at it - sounds like you need to live in the real world).

Ooops. Just read your recent posts, so sorry for being mean.

but seriously, get some perspective and don't waste enjoying your current kids while there small because you're so busy thinking 'what if'.

do you want a baby more than you want to be with your DH and more than you want your kids to have both their parents together.

if you do then thats your answer, if not then you need to work on making your marriage and family work as it is now.

not easy, but quite atraightforward situation.

i have a friend who has left her dp the father of her 2 kids because she had stopped loving him and because she wanted another child, it happens all the time. Equally there are many couples who compromise on what they want as individuals to reach a best outcome for the family as a whole. Depends whether you will be able to be happy with not having another child.

Drunken Daisy ... bit harsh?!

I think some of the comments posted on here are harsh others are fair.

I also wanted a third baby for a long time and my husband just could not understand why - he said "why want more when you already have the best", "we could be tempting fate" and most telling "why aren't the children and him just not enough".

We have discussed it at length and I have to admit my longing for a third child was probably more to do with my personal selfish needs rather than what is good for the family. For example the questions I asked myself where:

1. Do my other children want or need another sibling? ... probably not (they are 17 mths apart and very close).

1. REalistically what with both my DH and I working and looking after two children we feel stretched as it is giving them time and attention. Would a third resolve or ease that guilt/give us more time with our existing two? ... most definitely not

1. In some way do my two children fail to fulfil or live up to my expectations of a parent/child relationship?..most definitely not.

Deep down I wanted another baby because I want to be wanted. I see my two older children growing and know that in a few years they won't need me or love me in the way they do now. (Of course with my rational hat I know that is not true it is just the relationship will change).

I ask these questions of you because this is what I asked myself ...

Is your overwhelming need for a third child really due to the fact that your marriage has broken/breaking down?

Are you hoping another baby will give you something to focus on, someone to love and someone to love you?

Is it because you are afraid that now things are starting to get a bit easier with the children and you can see that bit by bit they are becoming more independent you are worried about your role will be, who you will be?

WHat happens when your third is about 2.5? Then what? Will you be asking for number 4? and so on.

A relationship is about respect not only for each other but for the sake of your family as a whole. How would another baby resolve the problems in your marraige and how would another baby "benefit" your existing two children in an already rocky atmosphere.

(sorry but i keep reading the thread title as ".... is a Deerstalker")

as you were

The really sad thing about the OP is that not once do you mention what he might feel or what he might want.

YABVU. If you knew from early on that you wanted a big family, then you should have got him to commit to that before you started having one.

How do you know that once you have had a third you wont want a fouth? And then a fifth...

Tummytuck, that is a very wise and thoughtful post. Hope the OP considers the questions you raised.

agree - tummytuck's post strikes a lot of chords. I never had the longing for a third that some people have - but I definitely had the feelings and fears tummytuck described. letting go of your role as mother of toddlers and babies is incredibly hard for some people. I wept when we got rid of the pram. the kinds of feelings tummytuck describes are very natural - and may well be part of what vst is going through.

I agree with maggieBeBold, I have always wanted 3 kids but DH said no. I was ill with postnatal with my 2 so wanted no 3 to prove I could do it. But now DS are 5 & 6 feel i am getting me back. Has been hard as friends have new babies or pregnant and it does make me sad.

I agree feels like it is always on DH terms. But finally had the blazing row about it and DH just couldn't face it as he feels stretched coz working so hard and wants to spend more time with kids.

DH feels he couldn't cope and although he doesn't understand why I am sad he does recognize it.

Try to enjoy the 2 you have and try to sort it out with DH. I feel it normal to have periods where you could cheerfully kill them! I read "how to kill your husband and other handy household hints"by Kathy Lett - she makes some really true statements.

I am not being flippant but did feel very similar to you when my 2 were the same age as yours. It does get better please try to sort it out with DH. Another baby will just put more stress on you.

Take care

Verysad, you have my sympathy - what an awful situation to be in.

A few things I wanted to post for your consideration:

1). Do you want another baby, or another child? (i.e: toddler / primary-age-child / teenager); babies quickly grow up & you may find yourself in the same situation in a few years again, if you successfully get your #3.

2). Do you (A) need a third child; or (B) a husband more?

2). Do your children (A) need a third sibling; or (B) a present father more?

Please consider my experience with having an unwanted child with an unwilling partner. To cut a long story short, DH decided at 20wks that he didn't want our 1st DD, & wanted me to abort her. I went through the 2nd half of pregnancy knowing my husband didn't want our child, then when she was born, DH resented her hugely; everything was 'the baby's fault'. He also had a very bad reaction to her crying - it infuriated him intensely every time she even whimpered. Consequently I spent at least the 1st 6 months as a new mother trying to persuade a newborn baby not to cry, just to keep the peace - goodness knows how we stayed together.

For the sake of our relationship, DH tried very hard to overcome his problems, & I stayed to let him try, because I wanted us to be a happy family - and 3.5 years later, for the most part, it has worked. HOWEVER....it is not all happy ever after. It has scarred our relationship permanently, and I will always resent him for spoiling what should have been a special time - I do not remember those 1st 2 years fondly. Also, my relationship with DD is not what it should be - I just don't get on with her as well as I do with her younger brother, and I'm sure it's got something to do with the events surrounding her early life. Ironically she gets on a lot better with her Dad than me, sod's law!!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is forcing the issue will lead to places that are SO much worse than the resentment you are feeling now.

Please take the advice of others & seek counselling - even if it is just yourself initially. Talking through with impartial counsellors really can help, if only to gain some perspective.

At the end of the day, if DH is resolute about not having a 3rd child, then you have 2 choices -
*stay, accept & respect his decision
*leave & find a new partner / use a sperm donor to have your #3.

If you decide to stay, but cannot learn to accept & respect his decision to not have a third child, then I suspect your marriage my already be over - a marriage cannot successfully survive that sort of resentment.

Good luck in whatever you decide & HTH,
Emily xx.

OK, forget what YOU want. Forget what your husbands wants. Think of your potential 3rd baby.

My mother fell pregnant with me (her 3rd) when she only wanted 2 children. I don't know how the pregnancy came about (contraception failure etc) but it did.

My father was happy that she was pregnant. Being the 1970s abortion was not an option for her.

She threw herself down the stairs. She had a hot bath & drank a bottle of gin. Both in a bid to end the pregnancy. It didn't work. I did however, end up with a cleft lip, that may have been due to what she did. She further rejected me because of this.

There are many many incidents that I could relay here that will prove how much she struggled to care for me & love me. I was treated very differently by her. Never shown any love. She has never told me she loves me. Once she said 'you know I love you' after she thumped me several times (me being 17) when I defended my bfs family.

We stopped talking when I was 18 (am now 35). 3 years ago I left the UK for Australia & I saw her in a post office. She walked straight passed me. She knew I was leaving in a matter of days & she called my sister to brag that she had ignored me. I called my sister & broke down at the fact that her not saying/doing anything & letting me leave the UK with no contact reinforced what I knew...that she didn't love me & didn't care. Very hard to deal with at the best of times.

I can imagine it is very hard to love & care for something you never wanted to create.

Not being wanted by a parent is the hardest pain I have dealt with. Or haven't actually, as the case may be.

Before you decide that this is what YOU want, you must first deal with how it will effect your child, because no....your husband may not 'learn to love it' when it arrives. My mother didn't & it devestates me to this day.

And also I should add that I have 2 dds. I am undergoing counscelling as I am terrified of getting pregnant with a 3rd. So much so that I have refused contraception for 6 months so I don't have to have sex!

Thankfully I have a very understanding dh, and we have managed to keep things intimate in other ways, but yes....I am scared shitless of being pregnant with #3 incase I can't love it, the way my mother couldn't love me.

My dad tries but his love cannot replace what I want from a mother.

So please....you need to think of that potential baby, more than your needs & your husbands needs.

And yes, I am waiting for a appointment to be sterilised.

And the resentment you talk about, is nothing in comparrison to the resentment your baby/child/adult child will feel at being bought into this world with a parent that never wanted them.

If you really want a 3rd & there is no give in your husband, you need to leave & find another way. Then you will have to deal with the 3rd being treated differently by him, when he takes the other 2 for visits etc.

would you feel the resentment towards your husband if he was physically unable to have any more kids, or do you think you would be able to move on from it?

because, being emotionally unable to thave any moer kids is no more his 'fault' than if it was physical, really? he hasn't decided to not have kids out of spite or resentment towards you, he just doesn't want them, and you just do.

sadly, there is no compromise on this one, and it is hard to work through.

however, as someone who longed to have a 2nd child, and just can't, no matter what, i have been through the pain, and come out the other side. it is a form of mourning, and you do need to learn to deal with it, whatever happens between you & your dh.

you sound as though you are 'blaming' your dh for his feelings, but his feelings are just as valid as yours, and should be given just as much respect.

another thing, and this is hard to accept, but once your body gets older to the point that you cannot have children, the intensity of the emotions will fade, you are unlikely to keep feeling this strongly unless you hang on to these feelings. as someone who has had a LOT of hormones pumped into them, i know that much of what i felt was intense, but transitory, and that once the 'baby' homrones calmed down, the feelings did as well. they don't go away, but they do stop running your life.

You are not getting on with him very well and yet you want another child with him.

What reasons has your dh given for not wanting another child? Has he merely said that he doesn't want one - just because - or has he given some valid, solid reasons for not wanting one?

Also, is he normally the sort of person who makes the decisions in your household regardless of what you or anyone else thinks? I'm just trying to build a picture of your situation and dh as a person. Basically, do you resent him for other things too?

Unless you can somehow move on from your current feelings then I'm not sure how you can get through this with regards to your marriage. You sound so unhappy and have said yourself that if your dh definitely doesn't agree to the baby then you would feel overwhelming resentment towards him and it doesn't take a marriage counsellor to see that your marriage will struggle to overcome that resentment.

I feel for you, I really do. I would like a third but I've been a sahm for the past four and a half years since my dd was born and we're struggling financially and I need to get back into work when my dd starts school (boo hoo!!!) I really would like another but I haven't got the longing, aching, desire right now but dh says we can't afford another, we agreed etc etc. Having said that, I'd put my neck on the line and say that if I felt as you sound like you do then I think dh would agree to a third. Partly because he wouldn't want to see me so unhappy and partly because we both know he would be a good dad. Just very, very poor

Your dh is saying no 100% so you need to know why that is. Is it the financial difficulty it may bring, does he not feel able to look after the two children he already has as well as he would like, has he not bonded with his children??? You need to ask him his reasons and then depending on what they are, you might be able to understand his position more.

If he says no full-stop without much of a valid reason, considering how unhappy he can see you are then I'm afraid I'd be starting to think extremely seriously about the relationship.

Sorry for waffling on and hope I've helped a tiny bit

OP - two years later - what happened with you? I am in a similar position now to what you were back then. Just wondering how it all panned out?

was just about to post my two pence worth when I realised this is a two year old thread! I too wonder how it worked out in the end.

mykids - sorry you are in the same position. Is it you that wants another child while your husband does not?

It's a hard one, and I feel for you, but if he really doesn't want another child, then that's that.

If it's a deal breaker are you willing to lose the family unit you have now I'm pursuit of someone to have another child with?

You don't even know if you'll be able to have another child, even if you try. I think honestly, although
it's hard, try to concentrate on the family you already have.

Woops!!!

You said up-thread that you don't feel you have much control, as a SAHM. This struck me. If you had another child you'd still be a SAHM, but to 3 children, I wonder if, as well as the fear of ageing, there's a fear of what the hell comes next in your life. Another baby would fill up that gap so you don't have to think about it for a bit longer .....