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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

219 replies

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:17

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 20:48

and thanks for all those that are posting - I am getting lots of different and helpful perspectives on this issue.

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 17/07/2009 20:48

do you want a marriage to this man more or less than a 3rd baby?

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 20:49

"and tbh - reading your post again - he probably doesn't even want to talk about it or understand how you feel about it because you've basically been nagging him about it!"

what do you mean by this? I certainly have been nagging him..and .. this means what?

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 17/07/2009 20:50

I find it very odd that you want a baby at all with a man you aren't overly enthusiastic about. His reaction sounds fare more normal to me, if your marriage isn't going well. Maybe you should work on your relationship - if your DH were happier with you, he might want another baby!

FAQinglovely · 17/07/2009 20:55

well if I didn't want another baby and my DH was "begging, pleading etc everything" with me to try and get me to change my mind I'd probably be even more resolutely against the idea of any more.

Obviously can't speak for myself here, as I've already stated I long for a 4th - which I'm never going to get - however my BF's DH did that with her for a while and it caused big problems in their marriage.

They did eventually sit down and talk about it rationally together and although he'd still like another, he knows that it's not going to happen.

expatinscotland · 17/07/2009 20:55

It's not just about having another baby, but someone has to support that child.

FAQinglovely · 17/07/2009 20:56

Morloth - that's very true - hence the reason I know I'm not going to get my 4th - as I just want one - and can't really justify why .

wolfnipplechips · 17/07/2009 21:01

starkadder what a very strange thing to say, how is it more the womans choice because she does most of the rearing.

  1. thats a bit of a sweeping statement dh and i do 50/50 childcare and he does more nights and early mornings since i stopped bf but even if he was a SAHD i would not expect he get the final say if he wanted more babies and 2) there is more to wanting a baby than the rearing. Dynamics change, finance, sleep time alone together as partners, the list goes on.
LaDiDaDi · 17/07/2009 21:08

I agree with someone else's suggestion on here of sitting your dh down to talk to him about how you both feel (with or without a counsellor) and explaining that you feel that your resentment on this issue and the way that you feel is impacting onyour relationship to such a degree that you are concerned that it may cause you to split up in the future.

Then agree a timeframe of say 6 months during which time you will agree not to discuss it further but to work hard together on getting your relationship in good shape.

Then sit down again and discuss how you feel.

Either one of you may have changed your minds about dc3 or you may feel more clearly about your marriage and how you see your future.

AppleandMosesMummy · 17/07/2009 21:10

The fact is you have to decide as FAQ which will make you unhappiest, no hubby or no baby ?

skidoodle · 17/07/2009 21:11

Yes, I agree stArkadder. Well put.

OP it is a tough situation you are in. I think counselling would help you both. Why would he freak out?

ABetaDad · 17/07/2009 21:11

Before I came on MN I simply had no idea how intense the feeling of wanting to have a baby is for many women.

Honestly, men simply just do not know this. They cannot begin to understand. I have never spoken to any man who really wants a child in the intense way expressed on MN. Nor have any women expressed it in RL to me.

Many men genuinely want children, as I did but in a "I would like them and love them" sense. However, a man might equally say "Once I have two children that I love why would I want more?". This is a genuine male question from a man who is happy. It is not in his mind that he is really denying his wife anything. There is a very genuine information gap here between the two sexes and perhaps if both sides understood each feelings more then perhaps these arguements would be easier to resolve.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 21:20

It is very interesting to have a male perspective on how men think - thank you for posting.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 21:20

It is very interesting to have a male perspective on how men think - thank you for posting.

OP posts:
pointydog · 17/07/2009 21:52

beta makes a goo dpoint. Although I still don't feel that just because an irrational feeling is very intense, it should be fulfilled.

HerBeatitude · 17/07/2009 22:03

V interesting point from Betadad

I always feel very uncomfortable by threads where women queue up to validate men veto-ing other women's fertility.

pointydog · 17/07/2009 22:08

I am not validating men vetoing women's fertility. That is a particularly subjective view. This is about two people bringing up a child, not about a woman's hormonal pressure to procreate

FAQinglovely · 17/07/2009 22:14

agree with pointydog.

HerBeatitude · 17/07/2009 22:20

The very phrase "a woman's hormonal pressure to procreate" is a pretty dismissive description of it though.

I'm just v. interested that the main gist of all these threads, is that a man's right not to have children, always trumps a woman's right to have them - because having them without a father's approval is Wrong.

It's a view which gives complete control to men IMO.

I'm not saying I wildly disagree with it tbh - as far as personal responsibility goes, it is unfair to inflict a child on someone who doesn't want one - but there is something uncomfortable about it.

expatinscotland · 17/07/2009 22:23

HerBeatitude, the OP doesn't even get on with her DH.

I'd say the same thing if her partner were same-sex and she wanted to have another baby through sperm donation.

If your relationship is shaky it's generally not a good time to ttc.

oliviasmama · 17/07/2009 22:23

YABVVVU - sorry.

I understand that you must feel devastated about this but you know it definately has to be a joint decision, you really cannot rail road someone into having a child. IME it has always caused huge upset and hardship in a relationship if this decision is one sided.

FAQinglovely · 17/07/2009 22:25

but it DOESN'T always give control the men.

My BF said no to her DH, and she's got her way - he really really wants another child - she's said no - end of story (well after lots of wine and discussion about it )

pointydog · 17/07/2009 22:25

I don't find it dismissive. That's what it is. There is no rationality behind it. I'm not saying it's not hard to deal with.

And I don't believe there is any 'right' to have children either. It is (usually) a choice that (usually) two people have to agree on. If they cannot agree, then I think there is a very serious issue there of how any child could be raised and loved satisfactorily.

violethill · 17/07/2009 22:26

Surely the fact that it takes two people - a man and a woman- to create a child, means that both parties should be consenting though? I don't see it as one party 'trumping' the other. If the status quo is that the woman is not pregnant, then it should be a joint decision to change that status quo. Not a unilateral one. This is a totally different situation to any other where a couple might disagree. If a couple want to go on different holiday destinations, they can discuss, and debate, and come to a compromise, or choose one place and go to the other next year. There are no such compromises with having a child. You have one, or you don't. And it's far too important a decision to be made by only one person, when both people are essential to the process. I think the very idea of a woman's 'right' to have a child is odd. It's not a right. We don't own our children.

LynetteScavo · 17/07/2009 22:30

Maybe my close freinds and I are different to most women - but non of us asked permission for a third...we just marched on regardless and got pregnant.

This is making you so unhappy. Your DH is never, ever going to understand how you feel. Untill you've felt like you do, it's very hard to imagine how painful it is.

YANBU.