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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

219 replies

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:17

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

OP posts:
BroodyChook · 17/07/2009 16:20

I really do understand your frustration, verysadtoday. There were times when I really just wanted to scream at DH 'Just give me your fucking sperm!!!!!' Biology can be a bitch. I struggle with the resetment, if I'm honest, but I am determined to try and get past it. I love my DH, and I know that I'm very lucky to have the two children I do have. Doesn't stop me going misty eyed outside Mothercare, though....

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 16:20

I will always wish I could have had more children. I have just had to get on and look at the positives of no more baby nappies but it is hard at times.

Morloth · 17/07/2009 16:22

If this is eating you up then you probably could use some counseling.

Would another baby really make you happier or is that just the thing you have got into your head would make you happier? Sometimes when an entire situation is stressful we pick one thing and focus on that as the reason.

BroodyChook · 17/07/2009 16:24

Being told 'no' is very hard! I had a very abrupt registrar tell me in the hospital when I was pregnant with DS2 (I was hospitalised through the hyperemesis) 'No more babies for you. Too dangerous'. That was it! I was furious with DH when he said 'no'. How bloody dare he get to decide what I can do with my body?! Faulty logic, of course, but I definitely felt it.

ABetaDad · 17/07/2009 16:31

Have you asked DH wy he really does not want another?

He may have a very very good well thought out reason but you assume he justs want to have fun and see friends and do sport etc. You say that you do not get on well. Has having children and the hard work that can be put a huge strain on your relationship?

Maybe DH is worried that another child would just be intolerable and would kill the relationship you have whereas he may want to work to strengthen it. Maybe DH just wants life to get back to something like it was was when you were both happier together an dmybe he just feels happy with a complete gfamly of you and 2 DCs.

I have said it before to someone else in your position but I thought my wife would die before we had children, thought at the very least she would have to have a hysterectomy and we would never have children. By a miracle, we now have two lovey DSs and feel happy that I have any family at all. Perhaps not fair of me to say that but having faced the posisbility of having nothing and having now just two children but with a huge amount of happiness that seems a pretty good outcome. Could you not be happy with that in time and perhaps with some counselling for you and DH?

I admit I did not and cannot know the intense feeling that you and many other women feel about having children but would really having another child be better than even slightly putting at risk your relationship with DH and the certainty of a happy home life for your two DCs?

Only you can answer that and I am not sayng YABU or YANBU. It is just not that easy a question. However, if you left him you may not find anyone else anyway and finding a sperm donor and having another child alone would not be easy either.

YcLaT · 17/07/2009 16:36

VST, I spent the last 5 or so years in what sounds like a very similar situation to yours.
I failed to convince him that my need to have another child was greater than his need to stop at 2 children.
I tried to focus on the positives and managed okayish. Good days... bad days.
Unfortunately i carried resentment and no longer felt close to my dh, it wasn't how i wanted to feel, but it happened.
I didn't want a baby with anyone else, just him, and truly couldn't see things from his perspective.
This time last year i decided that the marriage was over. I'm now having an early menopause and my partner had a vasectomy years ago... so it was never meant to be.
I still resent ex h, but am happier that it is now no longer a daily 'bone of contention'. Sorry that you are going through this, i sincerely hope it all works out for you and your family.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:38

This is a lovely post - I am sure you have hit the nail on the head somewhat with what he thinks. It does n't sound so unreasonable when you write it. It is just the resentment even though what you say makes logical sense

OP posts:
Grammaticus · 17/07/2009 16:39

Do you know whether your DH is worried about the financial pressure of a third child when he is the sole wage earner? Have you talked through his reasons for wanting to stop now, or are you too caught up in your own reasons? It sounds like the latter, tbh.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:40

Yclat that is sad - and not where I want to end up. I am pleased that you have comes to terms with this. I just hope I can somehow too.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:41

It is nothing to do with money - in fact if someone else comes to my house and says you should have more kids to fill up all these rooms I may have to slap them - it really upsets me when people say this to me.

OP posts:
Scorps · 17/07/2009 16:43

VST, i know how you are feeling, too. DH & I went through 18 months of hell, becuase i wanted a third child. In the end, he had to ask me to stop talking about it, becuase he would leave. I was incessant with it, i badgered him alot, too much. I didn't mention it, until he did.

Do you think an 'end' conversation, where oyu tell him how you ache (i did, i missed my third child, her shoes, plate, coat, bed)and then set a date to re-talk, say 6 months, and dont mention it before? I am not 'allowed' anymore children; but i will have a maternal instinct forever, and if DH ever says he wants another, i would. (im currently pg with dc4, he changed his mind on dc3, loved it so much he asked for dc4 6 months after her birth. Men are odd, or at least DH is!)

I personally don't agree with the pre-marriage discussion - lives change, situations change (money, deaths in the family, housing, jobs) you don't know how you will find parenting, you cannot fathom out maternal instinct like that. Just my thoughts.

Qally · 17/07/2009 16:43

I think it can sometimes be almost impossible to talk about things that are vital to both of you, because you're both defensive from the start - that's how my DH and I can be, anyway. I really do think counselling as a couple may be called for, just so you can both understand the other's feelings with some of that fear and anger taken out of the conversation.

Scorps · 17/07/2009 16:45

VST - in the time DH & I were agrugin over a 3rd, i found other things, projects to do - i went to college and uni, and did little courses at local childrens centre. Maybe this would help you, a course or volunteer somewhere, playgroup?

AppleandMosesMummy · 17/07/2009 16:53

Does he know you are close to leaving ?
I was in the same situation with child number 4, he'd had a vasectomy too.
I have child number 4 because basically I told him we had to try or it was curtains.
Of course he now adores the 4th and couldn't imagine life without it.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:55

Scorps thank you for posting. That sounds sensible. How old are you though - if you have had 2 "extra" then I suspect you were much younger then me when you had this discussion? I understand what you mean about keeping mind on other things though

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:57

have child number 4 because basically I told him we had to try or it was curtains.
Of course he now adores the 4th and couldn't imagine life without it.

He would tell me to go...and leave the kids - that woudl be a great bun fight

I know he would love the child if we had it - he loves the 2 we have he is just so stubborn about everything

OP posts:
Pikelit · 17/07/2009 16:58

You've obviously got issues that go way beyond having a third child. Which is why it would be tremendously unfair to have this child until you've resolved some of the core problems. Children aren't accessories to boost low moments in parental lives.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 16:59

scorps - I see you are 24 - I can't even remember being 24! You lucky woman - you have many years to enjoy your children ahead

OP posts:
AppleandMosesMummy · 17/07/2009 17:01

So how important is this to you then, because I was prepared to follow it through and take the children with me if necessary.
If you aren't at the ultimatum stage then there is still room for negotiation and for the marriage to work for both of you.
FWIW 2 children are unbelievably easier than 3 and your quality of life will be better.

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 17:01

" You've obviously got issues "

Not sure if that should make me laugh, cry etc. Yes all is not perfect but most marriages aren't and that does n't stop couples having children all the time.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 17:02

I've got no experience of this but what if you had a 3rd, then a year later felt the same and desperately wanted a 4th?

ie you're always going to have that instinct to want 'one more'?

Original poster
verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 17:03

off now as children here. will be back here later - appleandmosesmummy wil post then.

Thank you all for your helpful advice it is much appreciated.

OP posts:
makipuppy · 17/07/2009 17:03

Perhaps the reason you want another child is to fill an emotional void made by your not brilliant relationship?

You can't measure a relationship by how much you bicker (or DP and I would be long gone and we love each other dearly). If you're not connecting with your DH, you won't be emotionally fulfilled and what better than another baby?

If you have counseling you may get to the bottom of why you have this desire for another child.

What if your DH gives in a goes for no. 3? You might find it doesn't solve anything - and so it goes on.

I do sympathise though - I always wanted 4 children yet I will only have one - but that is down to me and the rubbish boyfriend choices of my past.

Morloth · 17/07/2009 17:04

You seem a bit hung up on other poster's ages. I agree with the other posters who say that there is more going on here than the baby situation.

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 17:05

Oh gawd. Again, I have no experience but I don't think it's fair to have another child that your DH doesn't want becuase he'll love it when it gets here. Of course he'd love it - what parent wouldn't. But that just isn't fair. I'm sure we'd all love the many kids we could have had in our lifetimes should we never have used contraception, but for our own reasons we chose not to have kids or to limit our families.

Men have that right too.