To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

[verysadtoday]

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

vsd - would it help at all to change your perspective a bit? your chosen wording for your thread title leapt out at me - the use of the word "let" and the use of the word "me". having a baby is something two people do, not one. (usually anyway, and certainly in your case), and it's not something that one person gives another permission to do. perhaps if you can shift your perspective to one that looks at "us" you might start to see both the present and the future as something about a team, a couple, a family. What do we want? what can make us happy? and if you can talk this through with dh you might perhaps start to feel that there's a way for you, together, to navigate this current difficulty - that you both face. you have my sympathy, don;t get me wrong. it must be a horrible situation to be in. But surely working to resolve it together is worth a shot?

There is always the possibility that DH won't love the baby if you pressure him into this in order to "keep" you. He may well feel as resentful and angry as you do now, but then there will a brand new person in the equation to be unhappy.

Be careful with ultimatums, they can bite you in the arse.

That's a really good post hatwoman.

You have two lovely children. Why is it so very difficult to enjoy them and all teh times you will have together without another one?

There is no rationality to this whatsoever. You need to talk this through and change your mindset.

What is teh key part of you that is being denied? Having lots of children? It just doesn't make sense.

YABVU to even think of bringing another child into a marriage that isn't working.

pointydog - it makes sense to me, i had to have more than 2, 2 was never enough and never would have been.

VST - yes i am 24, I'm guessing you are a bit older and time is an issue.

Morloth - that is the point which made me reconsider my actions. Still tough, though.

I'm in the opposite position to yourself. DP is wants another child, we have 2 young dc, I'm adamant that I don't (due to DS2 being a VERY difficult child and me having severe hyperemesis in both pregnancies).

We haven't really had the 'talk' about it as yet because DS2 is only 20 months but when it does come around I know though that if DP was constantly on at me about the issue and I ended up compromising for a quiet life I would end up resenting DP and the child, possibly for a life time. It's a risk I'm not willing to take tbh. OP, please weigh up if the strength of your desire for a third child could/should take precedence over a possible lifetime of resentment and upset for your family.

How do you know having one more will be the last though.

Just for perspective a friend of mine badgered,her dh into dc2, when the baby was born he was vile to her and the baby for a long time often threatening to leave and take dd1 with him etc whenever there were problems with bf or sleep his answer was you made your own bed, anyway she has grown on him(the baby that is) now but these 2 exist in a miserable way they really don't seem to get on and have no respect for each other from what i can see. Its like a car crash watching them interact. I think it stems from a basic disregard for each others feelings re the baby and incidently this woman doesn't have a very good relationship with the child that she so desperately wanted but is already broody for dc 3 and talking about it. The resentment just bubbles around them.

Perhaps your hoping the baby will be the band aid that will fix your marriage? Maybe you assosciate having a new baby or being pregnant with the feeling of love. You need to sort out your problems with your marriage before the consideration of another child. I can't imagine you would rather be a single mum of 3 under 3 in there early 40's than settle for 2 and work very hard on your marriage by going to councelling. If you can understand he isn't just being selfish he has genuine reasons for not wanting one you might be able to lose some of the resentment you feel.

in what way does it make sense, scorp? How do 3 children make sense more than 2, or 5 more than 3?

You are right, it is a deal breaker. If your need for another child is making you this unhappy then you should reconsider your relationship.

I wanted a third child more than dp did. Once i explained myself and how i was feeling to dp he agreed we should have another as he did not me to be sad forever over the issue. He very quickly 'came on board' so to speak! DD3 is now here and she is ace! We are both delighted with her and we now both feel that our family is complete.

I hope you can work something out.

I'm not doubting that your feelings of wanting a third child are very real and very painful, but I agree with those who think there are other issues here.

You should be able to enjoy and appreciate the two children you already have. The fact that not having another one is casting a huge cloud and stopping you from this is dreadful. Also, what guarantee is there that if you had another you wouldn't just feel the same still... wanting a fourth? I cannot for the life of me see the sense of choosing to bring a child into a relationship that isn't that good anyway.

You seem to have this neatly sewn up - your husband goes out to work to provide so that you can stay at home and have another child which he doesn't want... madness. Of course he has an equal say in this - a child has two parents, who are equal, have equal rights and equal responsibilities. If there is something lacking in your own life that is causing this, try to look at what it might be, because it's very unfair to have a child to fill this gap. A child deserves to have two loving, interested, involved parents, and foisting parenthood on one partner who doesn;t want it is a pretty much guaranteed way to deny them that.

But tinseltot, what if her DH doesn't change his mind?

Should she leave the father of her DCs so she can maybe meet somebody else who wants to be a stepfather of 2 and a dad of at least one new one?

I've got friends who still haven't met a man who wants to have one kid of his own never mind take on somebody else's.

If the deal is broken, what is OP's new deal? Being a single parent to 2?

you also mention that your marriage may already be over, if this is the case but you have the baby first will you be wanting child support for the child he doesn't want and will you expect to stay in the family home whilst he moves to a bedsit and you continue to be a sahm to a baby for an extra couple of years.

I'm just being devils advocate. I hope it isn't to harsh it is a consideration though and what if you split up over this baby and he tells your dc this later on when there older and they decide they would rather go and live him. I think you owe it to your dcs to try and work it out.

In reference to you always putting everyone else first, thats what us mums do and if you have another baby it will just be one more person to put first.

wolf, that's exactly what happened to my brother. His ex lied about taking her pills and their DS was born - much loved by my brother of course, but never his choice.

Ex wasn't that into my DB anyway and they soon split up. My DB will obviously support his DS, he has shared residence and he does not openly resent this - he has a great relationship with him.

But surely he should have been allowed to choose. My DN pretty much started his life being shunted back and forward in cars between parents and I wouldn't start a childs life that way if it was avoidable.

DBs ex just wanted to have another child and for my DB to provide the sperm and money. Not saying that's the case in op of course.

I agree wolfnipplechips. I think trying to coerce an unwilling partner into having a child is actually deeply wrong. Having a child is the single most important thing you can do in life, the greatest responsibility. How can it ever be a unilateral decision? And as wolf says, the OP is also wanting the unwilling partner to pay for her to stay at home with the child he doesn't want too!
If being a mum is about putting everyone else first, then the OP certainly isn't doing that - she's thinking purely of what she wants.

A wise post, violethill.

After DS2 was born (who was unplanned - but an "happy accident" that DH accepted with no issues) he said he wanted no more children.

I wanted more - possibly 2 more, but definitely one more.

Our marriage was shaky, but I fell pg after a night of carelessness. I took the MAP, it didn't work, he wanted me to have a termination. I didn't. He eventually agreed to support me during the pregnancy. We nearly split up when I was 4 months pg. Managed to hold things together (just). He was distant during the pg, our relationship was dead in the water.

Yes DS3 was born and he loved him to bits. But he still "blamed" the pg on me, I'd engineered the situation etc etc.

BUT - it didn't fix our relationship. When DS3 was 9 months old we split up properly. At 29yrs old I looked on the positive side and thought "wow - I may actually get my 4th!!".

Nearly a year after we'd split up a couple of life changing events in DH's life, and a newer stronger me, miraculously we are back together (doesn't happen often in relationships that had gone as sour as ours had). We are very happy.

HOWEVER - I spent over a year thinking "there's a chance I may get a 4th". Now we're back together I know it's not going to happen. It hurts like hell. But you know what, I'd rather have my marriage back together and a fabulous relationship with DH and my 3 DC that I do have than try and risk the whole thing for a 4th baby,

DH knows my feelings - I've told him I'll have moments of great sadness until my mid 40's (so another 15yrs yet) - my mum desperately wanted a 3rd child - my dad didn't want one. She's still sad about it today (and I'm the youngest of the 2 she had), but she says the pain "lessened" when she hit the menopause and she realised her body was saying "time up").

If anything it hurts more now than it did when I was a single mum of 3, as the possibility of finding someone that I would want to have a 4th with was only a possibility. now I'm back living with a man who I know would make fabulous father of 4 - but that only wanted 2 (but ended up with 3).

Agree with those that say you need to look at the deeper issues surrounding your feelings on this.

I am always shocked by the amount of men who say "NO" to a third child in situations where it's the mother who does the vast majority of child rearing. And really shocked by how many women seem to accept this - and live with the pain.

Unless the man has really specific reasons (i.e. not just "well, I'm not really up for sleepless nights again, don't really want to sacrifice overseas holidays) then I do often think that it's not right.

So, no, YANBU.

why be shocked - having a baby is (generally) a process that requires 2 people - so why shouldn't both get their say?

Agree with belgo

I can't speak for all of us that would love another one, but have put the feelings "aside" because of our DP/DH's feelings. However for me I can't really pin it down to anything more than

" because I want another one as I feel my family isn't really complete" (hardly a concrete answer is it?(

down on paper it's not much better a reason that "because I want my sleep back or wanting holidays again"?

"And as wolf says, the OP is also wanting the unwilling partner to pay for her to stay at home with the child he doesn't want too! "

Wwhere did I say that? Though these posts are helpful and interesting quite a few of them seem to be drawing conclusions/expanding on "facts" that I have not even said.

and tbh - reading your post again - he probably doesn't even want to talk about it or understand how you feel about it because you've basically been nagging him about it!.

You don't have to have a reason for not having a child other than "don't want to", you do however need to have some quite good ones for having one.