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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the fact my husband won't let me have another baby is a dealbreaker

219 replies

verysadtoday · 17/07/2009 15:17

Name change here - had to.

I am nearing "cut off" point. I have 2 lovely young children who, as most kids are, are a bit of a handful. My youngest has just gone 2.5. I am desperate for another. My DH just says no he does not want anymore. I have tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything. There is no budging him.

We don't get on brilliantly. I don't think he understands and/or cares how sad this is making me despite me telling him repeatedly. I think this sums up how much he cares (or rather doesn't) about me. I have people having babies all round me - he even tells me about his friends who have had babies and how they are getting on - and it kills me. This is really making me feel animosity towards him.

What if we break up soon/next 5 years and then my chance has gone? He could have another child with someone else but I could n't. I really don't think he is being fair and I don't know what to do but this is really making me very very sad and depressed. I am even crying as I type. I feel like a really key part of me is being denied.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 17/07/2009 22:33

Oliviasmama, DH has been "railraded" into all 3 of our DCs, and we are very happy together.

Actually he's aslepp on the sofa, and I'm on the net, so maybe we're not that together.

HerBeatitude · 17/07/2009 22:33

Agree Expat.

but one of the reasons the relationship is shaky, is because he's veto-ing her fertilty, no?

I'm not saying that she should get pregnant anyway; just that this is a very sad lose-lose situation. The relationship will not improve if she has a baby; it may also not improve if he continues to refuse her a baby. Either way, if this couple can't agree on this, it appears to me a recipe for a bad relationship.

I'm not disagreeing with any of the points made btw, just saying that there is another way of looking at it. FAQ, in that case, she was veto-ing his fertility wasn't she, but men can reproduce much more easily and much longer than women. And Violet, the "right to reproduce" isn't synonymous with owning your children. (I'm putting it in inverted commas because I think it's a simplistic phrase btw.)

FAQinglovely · 17/07/2009 22:35

I'd say it's shaking because (to use her own words)

"tried all tactics..begging, pleading etc everything"

is that really a good way to go about it?

pointydog · 17/07/2009 22:36

agree, violet, we don't own our children. It's not all about us and our painful irrational needs. We have no right.

HerBeatitude · 17/07/2009 22:44

If everyone ignored their painful, irrational needs, the human race would have died out by now.

Most children are born because of irrational needs. When you think about it, having children in a society which is so hostile to them and which punishes us in terms of our social status and economic well-being, is always an irrational act. And yet one we've all done. I don't think any of us can really argue that they had a better, more rational reason to have children than anyone else.

And I don't know where anyone on this thread has argued that we own our children. As for having "no right" - when do we ever have a right to have children? As they so frequently tell us when told to tidy their room, they didn't ask to be born. But we bore them anyway, were we all wrong to do so? Probably.

violethill · 17/07/2009 22:51

Some people do choose not to have children, precisely for the reasons you describe HerBeatitude - when you look at it all rationally, there are plenty of sound reasons why it doesn't make sense to procreate!

The fact that so many people do, is because of the very strong desire to reproduce and raise children - but this is as much about the father as the mother. Once you start to believe parenthood isn't equal, and that mothers are somehow more important than fathers, and their wants should 'trump' the fathers' wants, then you're on a very rocky road. It takes both parents to create a child.

blueshoes · 17/07/2009 22:54

And many people choose to have children for very rational reasons as well.

If I follow along the lines of your argument (which I am not sure I do), it would seem that the OP should follow her irrational heart's desire and find a sperm donor before her time runs out, rather than saddling her dh with an unwanted child.

HerBeatitude · 17/07/2009 22:54

have I argued that violethill?

you could equally say that once his rights trump ... etc. etc.

Anyway, i'm off to bed, I don't think we'll agree and don't fancy staying up till 1AM to argue with you about it. Good night. Hope you sort it out some way, OP.

blueshoes · 17/07/2009 22:55

My last post was directed at HerBeatitude.

HerBeatitude · 17/07/2009 22:56

I don't think you follow my argument because I don't really have one blueshoes... am just kicking notions about.

Anyway good night.

blueshoes · 17/07/2009 22:57

No, HerBeatitude, truth be told, you don't make much sense to me.

violethill · 17/07/2009 23:02

A woman should not be coerced into having a child by a man.
Neither should a man be coerced into having a child by a woman.

Simple really

AppleandMosesMummy · 17/07/2009 23:11

But there cannot be half a baby, there is no compromise so somebody has to give in or give up.

Bibithree · 17/07/2009 23:14

I can completely understand how you feel, but do think unless you both want another as much as each other, then you shouldn't.

My dts turned 2 yesterday, I also have a 4.5 year old and am currently DESPERATE for another. I always said I wanted 4 (kind of jokingly), dh said 2, but when we decided to buy a house and get married we hadn't discussed it that much, even though we'd been together 5 years by then. I was only 23 at the time.
Then I got pg with dd1 and I just knew I wanted more. We got pg again when she was 8m old, sadly I had a missed m/c, but then we went on the have the dts. At that point dh said no more, I had had a hard pg, prem birth and two horrible weeks in hospital so I agreed, we had 3 beautiful girls and practically, financially and otherwise, we were done. dh had the snip when they were 11 weeks old.
I desperately regret agreeing to it. Dh doesn't regret it for a second. BUT I agreed, we did what was right for our family and I know deep down it was the right decision and always will be ...
But I still long for another baby, to carry another child, to see them developing and becoming as wonderful and beautiful as my dds are.
You can't be blamed for your feelings, but bad decisions will stay with you forever. I hope you find a solution you're both happy with. xxx

baskingseals · 17/07/2009 23:16

Totally agree with HerBeautitude.

JuJusDad · 17/07/2009 23:55

I think UQD had it bang on. This is a communication thing which is also a gender thing.

OP's dh isn't understanding that this is not just a case of OP "wanting" another baby in the way he might want something, it's more a want that's felt in a deeper, less definable, more physical and far more emotional sense.

And since he is probably thinking from a logical, responsibility, financial pov, they're at opposite sides: him thinking, op feeling. And possibly going further from each other as they become more entrenched.

Perhaps try phrasing the situation using the language of the other person?

Morloth · 18/07/2009 00:00

I think the default position has to always be to not have another baby if a couple are in disagreement. Because right now there are 2 people miserable. Go ahead and have a baby and there is a good chance you will have 3.

"He will love it when it is here" might be true in some cases, but anecdotal evidence says that it is not true in more than half.

So not wanting children absolutely trumps wanting them.

ZephirineDrouhin · 18/07/2009 00:04

Agree very much with HerBeatitude and with Greensleeves.

OP - really hope you can talk this through with your DH and come to some kind of resolution.

FAQinglovely · 18/07/2009 00:09

even if they do love them once they're here nothing stopping it being brought up in future disagreements.

My dad still occasional reminds my mum that he only wanted 1 child sometimes. I am in no doubt that he loves me (even if relationships between us are strained at the present time) - but it doesn't stop him bringing it up.

baskingseals · 18/07/2009 08:54

What is the meaning of life? What are we here for? The desire to reproduce is visceral, not logical. It doesn't respect your circumstances, favourable or otherwise. I really really feel for the OP, and think she's in a tricky position, and one that isn't really her fault - blame biology.

blueshoes · 18/07/2009 10:09

Violethill: "A woman should not be coerced into having a child by a man.
Neither should a man be coerced into having a child by a woman."

Totally agree. Imagine if we went back to the days where a women had no control over her fertility and had to reproduce whether or not she wanted to. That is biology at work as well.

For a child to be brought into union that comprises a couple, both parties need to consent. If, however, the woman wants another child for hormonal, visceral or irrational reasons, and her partner does not, the moral solution is for her to go it alone or find another partner who will.

Rather than force or even trick an unwilling partner to raise a child that he does not want.

independiente · 18/07/2009 11:08

Very difficult situation, with many conflicting interests.

The completely overwhelming nature of the desire to have a baby makes it hard to be rational. So, instead of thinking 'who's arument trumps whose', it's more a case of which situation is the fairest outcome.

Not having a baby doesn't require a situation to materially change; having a baby does. Therefore, unless both parents want to change the status quo, fairness says it should remain as it is. Especially where changing it means something as life-changing as a new person in the family.

It is a fact of life that a woman's fertility has a time-limit. Nothing to be done. You either wind yourself up into a frenzy of desperation about it, or you find some way to accept it as we all have to.

You are not alone - hundreds of thousands of women want more children, some of them are just desperate even for one. It's a very natural and very strong urge. But you really should try everything you can to not let it overwhelm your life, particularly in the situation where you've been fortunate enough to have two.

fircone · 18/07/2009 11:34

I think you should really think about your two existing children. Would you really want to deprive them of a father in your quest for this third baby?

I don't know how old you are, but is it possible to wait a couple of years? You say you have a two year old, and we all know that can be a very trying age. In fact I would have said I was the least broody when my dcs were that age! Once your dc are a little older your dh may think another might be all right, as opposed to just adding more chaos into the mix at the moment.

FAQinglovely · 18/07/2009 13:02

"and her partner does not, the moral solution is for her to go it alone or find another partner who will."

The moral solution for who? She already has 2 other children, if she went it alone THEY would also be affected by a marriage break-up.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/07/2009 13:30

Sorry but I do think a man's right to not want a child is one worth defending, because to argue otherwise does lead you in the direction of the anti-choice loons who want men to be consulted on whether or not their partners can terminate a pregnancy. It is not ethical to get PG by a man who doesn't want to have a(nother) baby with you. And if you do this, you have only yourself to blame if he walks out.

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