Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry because I can't afford to privately educate my children?

380 replies

LaydeeStardust · 27/06/2009 20:47

I hope this makes sense-I've had wine!

We've got 4 bright and happy children,aged 4 and up.

DS2 is 14, and is apparently extremely bright and attends our local inner city state school which gets average results

Both his own school teachers and two friends who teach at different private schools have told us that he should attend a private school to give him the best possible chances in life.

One of his teachers actually said we are letting him down by not sending him to a private school

We earn too little to pay for private education ourselves so he'd have to apply for an assisted place (we both work in social services and health)

we honestly believe in the state system,but maybe we can't really say that because we don't earn enough choose?

DS2's done his own research and is now worrying that he won't be able to get into a good uni, or get a good job etc if he doesnt go to a private school....and I don't know how to reassure him!!

I'd be so interested to hear other peoples' views on this-both me and DH went to state schools then uni, but if anyone feels I'm living in cloud cuckoo land to believe that our children will achieve whatever they want without a private education please tell me!!!

Thanks in advance!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/06/2009 20:49

Unless your children have to go to some school full of violence and drugs, you are probably being unreasonable.

IkeaSnake · 27/06/2009 20:51

Mayeb your mates will pay then or shut their traps

hereidrawtheline · 27/06/2009 20:51

Well it is only normal, if one of DS's teachers has actually said he is being let down by state school, to worry! Whether or not it is based in reality for him, I dont know. But of course having heard that I can see why you would worry. Sorry not much help!

BitOfFun · 27/06/2009 20:51

Garbage! A bright kid with supportive patents who wants to achieve will do fine in state school.

cory · 27/06/2009 20:53

I teach at a Russell group university and I can assure you that most of the student I see are not privately educated.

IMO his teachers should spend their time encouraging him rather than making him despondent.

Next time they tell you he should be at a private school- turn round and ask 'is that because they would get a better quality of tuition?'

iwouldgoouttonight · 27/06/2009 20:54

I can't believe his own teachers said you were letting him down by now sending him to private school!

My DCs have not even started at school yet and when they do there is no way we could afford private education so I'm probably not the best person to give advice, but coincidentally I was chatting to a friend about this earlier today. She's a teacher in a school in quite a deprived area and she believes quite strongly that if a child is bright they do well whatever school they go to.

I know we're a different generation but out of all my friends I only know one who went to private school, and he doesn't have any better career than the rest of us. All my friends who went to uni went to state schools.

iwouldgoouttonight · 27/06/2009 20:54

'Not' sending not now sending!

Lilyloo · 27/06/2009 20:55

Find it quite that 'friends' and 'teachers' would say that tbh
Especially the friends given they must know your income circumstances.

'The letting him down line' is rubbish!

LackaDAISYcal · 27/06/2009 20:55

I went to state school then Uni and was the first person in my family to do any sort of further education. There were a few from my school who went to Oxford/Cambridge/St Andrews/Durham, so it isn't a precursor to not getting a good uni place as afaik they don't discriminate on where you went to school. If you meet the entry requirements and pass the interview (if necessary) then you are in.

and bearing in mind that the percentage in private school compared to the percentage of good jobs out there is quite small; and there are plenty of examples of state educated people having very top flight jobs.

I also think that there are opportunities around today that didn't even exist 20 years ago when I was a student and that it's much easier to go on to higher education now than before so he is worrying about nothing.

If he wants to succeed, then he will.

BCNS · 27/06/2009 20:55

you are not letting them down.. agree with expat and BoF on this.

here's a thing for you.. dd is the same school year as DN.. DN is in private school.
Both are bright and come from similar family backgrounds.. the difference??.. absolutley nothing. zilch.. they are both of the same standard and ability.

the difference for me.. I don't have the pressure of keeping up with the jones

oh and I can afford to have my new house built.. where DN's parents are finding things a bit hard at the moment even though the earn more.

HTH

Lilyloo · 27/06/2009 20:56

Cory great idea!

LupusinaLlamasuit · 27/06/2009 21:02

Look. Private school is often the place where rich people pay a lot to have their kids mix with bright rich kids. I just went to look at one this very day (eek supping with the devil...). it was great. Lots of facilities and well-trained intelligent kids. It is one of the best academic schools in the area. But I wasn't blown away. I'm sure they have more resources. But do they all really teach kids the things they need?

Your son's teacher should NOT have said what he said for a start: v unprofessional.

But if you want to build his future potential, a well-resourced school isn't the only option. Buy in a tutor to stretch him. Make sure he gets to do the most challenging exams (check out different boards). Buy in extra activities (music, languages etc) and do all the extra-curricular stuff available at school.

In my moments of weakness when I worry about DS1's planet-sized maths ability going to waste, I think about it (hence the visit today). And then I bang myself on the head and remember that what I really want for him is to be a well-rounded individual, who gets to pursue his talents. Meeting those needs can be done perfectly well without the 70,000 needed for a cheap private school...

Original poster
LaydeeStardust · 27/06/2009 21:16

Thank you so much everyone, for your replies, I'm very grateful,they're all so helpful, and ... you've all realy helped me get my sensible head back on!

Both me and DH were the first in both our families to go to uni so we always feel that others know more about it than us!

The main person who has expressed the view that we're letting DS2-and indeed my other children down, is a friend who was privately educated, as were her parents as were their parents etc..., and she also says we're letting them all down because of our low paid public sector jobs. Guess we're just rubbish.

thanks again, I appreciate it!

OP posts:
Swedes · 27/06/2009 21:21

Lupus {shock}

It's such a load nonsense that people send their children to independent schools so that they can rub shoulders with rich kids. My sons' independent is more multicultural and just as socially diverse as our town's state secondaries.

gerontius · 27/06/2009 21:26

I'm sorry Swedes, but I don't think your sons' school can be more socially diverse than a comprehensive. You have to pay, thereby restricting the school's intake to middle/upper class families.

BitOfFun · 27/06/2009 21:27

I find that hard to believe Swedes- it's not the case where I live. I'm interested though- do you really think so?

LadyHooHa · 27/06/2009 21:28

Lupus - that is twaddle about rich people paying for their children to mix with other rich people at private schools (unless my DCs are actually at a state school, only I didn't notice when we applied).

Laydee - I am going to stick my head above the parapet and say that you could try investigating the private options and how they are funded. If your DS is really bright, he could well get some help with the fees - and his overall education will be better (sorry). That doesn't mean he won't do well where he is, of course; just that he will have more opportunities to be bright at a private school (and, if it's a selective one, a whole host of bright classmates - which is generally a good thing if you are bright).

I know everyone is saying that the teacher is rubbish and unprofessional, but it is just possible that she has a point. My parents were told the same thing when I was five, and they moved me to an independent school. It was a good move.

Of course, being at an independent school for the sixth form may be a disadvantage when it comes to university applications!!

LadyHooHa · 27/06/2009 21:29

And...

Swedes, the same is true of my DC's prep school. Our local primary could not be more white-professional-university-educated-middle-class if it tried!

LupusinaLlamasuit · 27/06/2009 21:32

Swedes

Was the that I went at all? Or my comment?

Which btw you subtly misinterpreted. I said rich people pay to mix with bright rich kids... Not that people pay to mix with rich kids in general. Yuk, the very idea!

Yes, private schools often pretty multicultural in my limited experience: lots of parents from ethnic minorities send kids there.

What you don't see is white working class kids...

hercules1 · 27/06/2009 21:35

We looked at private and state for both ours and decided to go for state and didnt put ds into the grammer options at secondary although he would have passed. We are lucky that the state non selective schools they go to are excellent so maybe we would have thought differently if they werent.
I'm a secondary teacher too.

Both my kids are doing very well academically and I am sure just as well as ladyhoohas' kids

gerontius · 27/06/2009 21:35

You might get given more opportunities at private school, but that doesn't necessarily mean that their education is going to be better. Teachers aren't better just because it's a private school.

hercules1 · 27/06/2009 21:36

I think part of what put me off the private selective route is dh is asian and his family, extended family, friends are really into where their child goes to school and discussing entrance exams etc. Never wanted this for my kids.

Original poster
LaydeeStardust · 27/06/2009 21:36

Of course, being at an independent school for the sixth form may be a disadvantage when it comes to university applications!!

Hi Ladyhooha,
why is this do you think?! I have to admit we were thinking we could at least save (and beg and borrow!) to put him into the local private 6th form_would this be as mistake do you think?

OP posts:
hercules1 · 27/06/2009 21:38

gerontis - yes, dh's family/friends feel they are paying for better teachers. (not true). Yes, there are of course advantages but depends what you want I guess.

smallorange · 27/06/2009 21:39

If he's clever and motivated he will get into a decent university.

All I would say is that if he wants Oxbridge, find someone who knows the score re' interviews/entrance and maybe coach him a bit.

You know, it is possible to go to a fairly ordinary state school and get into a good university and have a good job. You just need brains, support and motivation. Lots of people manage it.