AIBU to worry because I can't afford to privately educate my children?

[LaydeeStardust]

I hope this makes sense-I've had wine!

We've got 4 bright and happy children,aged 4 and up.

DS2 is 14, and is apparently extremely bright and attends our local inner city state school which gets average results

Both his own school teachers and two friends who teach at different private schools have told us that he should attend a private school to give him the best possible chances in life.

One of his teachers actually said we are letting him down by not sending him to a private school

We earn too little to pay for private education ourselves so he'd have to apply for an assisted place (we both work in social services and health)

we honestly believe in the state system,but maybe we can't really say that because we don't earn enough choose?

DS2's done his own research and is now worrying that he won't be able to get into a good uni, or get a good job etc if he doesnt go to a private school....and I don't know how to reassure him!!

I'd be so interested to hear other peoples' views on this-both me and DH went to state schools then uni, but if anyone feels I'm living in cloud cuckoo land to believe that our children will achieve whatever they want without a private education please tell me!!!

Thanks in advance!!

everyones been so lovely and polite so im resisting tempation to ask are you mad? is this the most middle class site in the world ever? surely most people educate their children via the state system.? no one i know can afford to educate their DC privately, and im not sure it gives that many advantages in the long term - your kids have got to want to go on to further education. my DS has SEN, was educated in the state system and is now doing A levels at college - he wants to go to uni. id rather save my money for that than have him loaded with debt before he begins. my DD will do well but not sure she wants uni...we'll see, but in no way do i feel bad for not sending them to private schools. ive researched and sent them both to the best school in the area - if you can afford a private education then more power to your elbow but it grates that anyone would be made to feel guilty for not privately educating in this economic climate!

www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/education/article6350374.ece

Actually, I think this article is rather misinformed, but my point is - admissions staff are well aware of what they're getting when they see "Eton" on the application form, and what they're getting when they see "Bog-standard comprehensive". Many academics, especially the younger ones, were themselves educated at the latter. The sort of people who have done well, but are committed to their subject rather than going off to makes pots of cash...

So, no, don't think there is any necessity to private educate, unless you think that your dc are not getting the education they need from school and there's no other alternative.

A small quote from that Sutton Trust report

"Basically put, a student in a state school is as likely to go to a leading university as a student from the independent sector who get two grades lower at A level."

Thunderduck- I would be pro-private if they were like Malory Towers! Heartily...

My DSs have been/are being educated in the state system and wouldn't have made any different choices at 18 if they had been privately educated. I don't see the point in wasting money to get to the same end. If the state system had failed them I would have looked at private schools, but not as a starting point. A friend's son has just gone to teach in a private school-some DCs there have more money than they know what to do with and there is a real drug and alcohol problem-all isn't wonderful in the private system.

This is interesting. We have never and will never be in the position to privately educate our children (there is always the lottery I suppose).

My DS1 is very clever. I knew he was bright but wasnt aware of how bright until his last open evening. I dont mean I didnt have a clue but he is now in year 10 so it has become more important I suppose. All his teachers were raving about him.

Sorry didnt mean that to be a bragging session . Anyway - I have found that his school has very high expectations of him. It is assumed he will go to university. I wonder if the difference is with state schools is that this wouldnt be the expectation if he wasnt at the top of all his classes? If he was average and went to a private school he would still be expected to go to university?

I have often though that if I had the money I would rather send my DS2 to private school because he has SEN. He would benefit from small classes. But then again do many private schools push and push academically becaue their income depends on good results?

Yes. That was the quote that stood out. Jeez. That's a nightmare.

I guess Oxbridge are attempting to open up because of all the criticism but en masse, state school pupils do still have the odds stacked against them. At least at research-led universities (which by the way doesn't always equate to good undergraduate teaching but does equate to higher status on CVs)

chegirl, if he is really bright, please do make use of people who know on MN and get him the best university education that suits him...

Not all universities are equal.

LOL@BOF. If only,though I could do without the gobbling.

I'm not sure I could manage getting tongue-lashings on a daily basis....

chegirl I would say that's the long and short of it. Everyone expected to go to uni, it's just a given (was at mine anyway), and the top 10% or so at least would be going to oxbridge. Not trying for it, but going.

And in general, personally my experience at private school was very mixed, I went to a very academic one where results were everything but there was no interest in how students were doing personally. Most of the girls in my class suffered some kind of eating disorder, and people with really serious home problems were not looked after properly IMO. But they got academic results like billy-o.

There are of course very academic state schools as well - none of this is black and white.

I was about to post exactly what mooma said.

The people I know who went to private school did not have a better education, but have higher expectations out of life and a more ruthless confident approach to situations and people.

They wouldn't think twice about asking someone they knew for a job/introduction etc and they know a lot of people in places that could benefit them.

I went to a grammar school and a good university (didn't get into Oxford as the interview completely floored me ) but none of my school friends have been 'useful' to me in that way.

Of course private education has benefits over state education - if it didn't then people wouldn't pay for it.

But you can teach your child confidence and self-assurance at home.

Yes those might be a bit much Gerontius.

I have just put ds in a small private school after five years of state school. This meant eating every principle I have ever held.

He was doing ok academically but he was terrified of school, our particular LEA has outsourced Education management and I have totally lost faith in them, the school was put in special measures and they turned it into a boot camp for sats and added value.

I am under no illusions about the quality of education we are getting, but it is a loving school has turned him from a nervous wreck into a little boy who is beginning to believe in himself again.

Worth every single penny for me.

This discussion terrifies me and horrifies me in equal measure. (sorry Laydee)

My 3 are all under 5 so my experience of the current state school system is limited to nearly a year of reception. My children are not showing any signs of genius so far (though dd2 is only 8 months so who knows?).

However my experience at school certainly taught me the difference good and poor schooling makes. I moved house half way through my GCSEs from a former grammer school turned Secondary Mod in the North to a sport obsessed comp in the middle of a new town in Essex. I passed my exams by answering different questions to my fellow pupils remembering what I had been taught in my previous school, as the standard of teaching at the new one was pretty abysmal.

That said the thought of paying for a private education appalls me however I cannot escape the knowledge that plenty of bright people in my school were let down horribly, and failed to reach their potential. BUT I do think the state experience despite and because of its downsides provides life experience you won't get in the socially engineered environs of the private sector. No matter what anyone says the fees ensure that they get the creme de la creme and bursaries are restricted to bright children when perhaps the children at the bottom of the class would benefit most from the 'superior' schooling offered in the private sector?

Therefore I will never send my children to a fee paying school (crossing my fingers tightly).

The main reason parents who can afford it send their children to public school is to meet the right people, go to the right parties, join the right pony club, get free holidays in the right ski/beach resorts, an added bonus is being able to place/name drop at the right dinner/drinks parties. They may pretend its for the sake of a better education, this is not true, it's mostly for snob value.

You can teach confidence and self assurance yourself to quite a large degree. But if you're getting it at home and at school, that makes for a wholly different outcome.

Someone said earlier that if you're a self-starter, a state education is fine. That is a very big 'if'. It's possible to be astronomically bright, but not a self-starter in the kinds of ways that are measured by the exam system.

I'd also disagree with the poster who said that private school pupils are just taught to pass exams. We certainly weren't! I also don't think it's helpful to start petty threads about "private schools have drug problems" or "state schools have hoodies on the uniform list".

None of that is helping the OP, who has a specific issue with a child who has specific needs. I still think that she should at least look into it, even if it's only in order to say: thanks, but we're fine as we are. At least she would feel more confident about her decision if she's looked into the alternatives.

basking, it is certainly true of some, but not of all. I resent being tarred with that brush, and its one of the reasons I have been so against private education. But there are plenty of parents who do not do it for those reasons, myself included.

I am 45. My savings will pay for two years at private school, by which time I hope my ds will have developed the confidence to cope with the very tough conditions of state secondaries in our area.

PS Baskingseals - are you a troll?

baskingseals - I can see why it's convenient to think that but it's rubbish. Sorry.

Not in my case basking.

My parents thought that it would be a better education which would lead to more opportunities.

They both put a huge value on education, as did many parents of children at my school. Lots of children of teachers, doctors etc.

My parents certainly had no interest whatsoever in mixing with any of the other parents etc.

As per my previous post there are many different types of paid for school which provide different things for different sorts of people.

I note you say public school rather than private school though, so I suppose you are already making that distinction.

All my 5 dcs/steps went to Univesity
one was privately educated till 18,1 was at a Grammar School 3 were at state comps.All graduatedwith 2.2 or 2.1 degrees,all went to reasonable unis;Sheffield,Leeds,Birmingham,Bangor,Canterbury.The best A level results were from a comp.The 3 who have post grad degrees are 2 from comp and one from grammar-other 2 one is teacher[PGCE]and one is an accountant[the privatelt educated one]
It is up to you and your ds2 to see that he fulfils his potetial.

93% of children are state educated in the UK. The vast majority. Again the vast majority of university applicants and places are taken up by state educated children. Unless your DS is attending a sink school where it's a struggle to get an education, I really wouldn't bother.

Also you need to understand the finances very carefully. The assisted places scheme was abolished pretty well as soon as Labour got into power. Your DS is 14 and I'm not aware of any independent schools that award scholarships at this stage (usually 11, 13 or 16). Not saying there aren't any of course, just that I'm not aware of any.