AIBU to worry because I can't afford to privately educate my children?

[LaydeeStardust]

I hope this makes sense-I've had wine!

We've got 4 bright and happy children,aged 4 and up.

DS2 is 14, and is apparently extremely bright and attends our local inner city state school which gets average results

Both his own school teachers and two friends who teach at different private schools have told us that he should attend a private school to give him the best possible chances in life.

One of his teachers actually said we are letting him down by not sending him to a private school

We earn too little to pay for private education ourselves so he'd have to apply for an assisted place (we both work in social services and health)

we honestly believe in the state system,but maybe we can't really say that because we don't earn enough choose?

DS2's done his own research and is now worrying that he won't be able to get into a good uni, or get a good job etc if he doesnt go to a private school....and I don't know how to reassure him!!

I'd be so interested to hear other peoples' views on this-both me and DH went to state schools then uni, but if anyone feels I'm living in cloud cuckoo land to believe that our children will achieve whatever they want without a private education please tell me!!!

Thanks in advance!!

I agree. Prep is also very inclusive, it would sort out all those poor kids who can't get their homework done at home.

As for Latin and Greek, absolutely...amo amas amat etc. vital for the modern day.

(actually, I am rather keen on the classics, but that's mostly because I have a friend who is a classics prof and absolutely passionate about the relevance of classical studies today....he make some very compelling arguments for it)

It's not about flashines though is it? Of course one moans about school fees with one's pals at the golf club, but they are a badge that everyone must wear, not with pride but with an air of, but of course we all do the right thing by our children. I think that's what really winds me up actually, for the kind of people I'm talking about, it's not about the children at all, it's all about them, and the image they want to portray. It really IS lashings of ginger beer and bring back fagging

Game of soggy biscuit anyone?

Yes basking, but that does not include parents like me...those parents are idiots in all spheres of their lives, not just education, so to say that most independent school parents are all middle England/nouveau riche twats is a) ridiculous, and b) offensive to all of those on this thread who send their kids to independent schools for a wide variety of reasons, none of which include gin swigging golf putting competitiveness.

I detest golf and gin

But there's plenty of snobby parents at my local state school with their bling and their porsche 4x4s. It's not the preserve of the parents who pay.

I am still totally in two minds about it all was so [shock} that my parents decided to PE my much younger db!It was mad,my Dad had worked for 30 odd years in state education.Db 1 and I were state educated.He had worked in lots of really really deprived areas.Maybe this eventually made him not want this for db?Our SS were OK,we passed the exams!Possibly when db 2 was growing up it had changed?There was a big age gap.

mm, Camelia, maybe golf should be on the MN Towers curriculum also? and part of my educational reform package...and lessons in how to mix the perfect gin and 'it'.

Private education is much more than just exam results but from what I can see, the best state schools are only about exam results.

To the OP - I would take your state school with average results over an excellent state school anyday.

There are such a wide variety of independent schools, though, Basking. There are academic schools, and not-very-academic schools, faith schools, horsey schools, boarding schools, day schools, sporty schools, musical schools, schools with a very high proportion of forces children blah blah blah. And many permutations and combinations thereof.

I'm not sure what sort of schools you are talking about when you make these generalisations. I certainly don't recognise my DC's schools in your descriptions.

My only encounter with a golf club was a bit disastrous because they tried to throw me out.

eggsackerly, Quattro

(apologise for blathering on uneccesarily)Each to their own is what I say.Personallyt,atm
both dc school seem to be caring and supportive,which is all I could ask for.

thats great wrinkly. I wish I could have left ds in his school, but it was him or it. And no contest as far I was concerned.

If you want to ensure your dc do as well as possible but don't have enough £ to educate them privately this is a savvy way around it

1.send them to the best state school in the area
2.supplement any weak patches with private tuition

1. make sure they learn a foreign language, play a musical instrument and do a sport club or two.

OP tbh if your son is busy researching what would be best for his own education and thinking about good universities now, that suggests to me he has enough ambition and determination to be not damaged too much by going to an 'average' school. I thought the biggest problem with bad schools, especially for boys, was them being turned off education.
I think you need to pin this teacher down on exactly what your ds is not getting from school that might be good for him, and work out a more cost-effective way you can provide it, whether that's private coaching in a particular subject, simply making sure he has the resources and support needed to study on his own, or insider info (which you can get here and elsewhere on the internet).
That Sutton Trust statistic is scary, but remember these things are always about averages rather than something that will apply to every child. You can find ways to help him buck the trend. Private schools don't have some secret mysterious formula, it's mostly pretty obvious things like giving the kids high expectations and good careers advice and plenty of individual attention when needed.

Wow, this thread has left me speechless. To me the most important attitudes and teaching I got was from my parents, the dad who taught me that whatever I wanted to do, whereever I wanted to do it I could.

The single mum who paid for extra tution for me to pass my geography A level as there was a timetabling clash. The same mum gave me the tools to decide where I was going to study for sixth form (I had the choice of state sixth form or tertiary college) and gave me the confidence to choose despite what my friends tried to influence me otherwise.

I had the confidence to turn down offers from the 'good' universities as I had the skill to assess the courses and make my own choice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that parents are our most important teachers. I turned down Durham and Leeds to go to the local ex-poly, which offered a better more practical course and gave me the skill to walk into a professional role with no further training upon graduation.

Parents are the greatest teachers children have. Laydee your DS can achieve what he wants, and he will with your support, not your money xx

agree with HorsechestnutBlossom about the foreign language, less so about the music & sport! Admissions tutors are usually less interested in that than the parents think they are going to be....

If it matters to you then could you not change careers to something better paid in order to fund it, I mean you must be bright people to produce 4 bright kids why not rethink your careers and earning potential ?
If I felt my children weren't getting enough from the state system I wouldn't hesitate, indeed we will be using all our savings to send ours next year.

1. but make sure it's not an excellent one where to get a B at GCSE is a 'fail'

1. this is a good idea - even students at private school have private tuition

1. you may have to independently organise trips abroad, find a local youth orchestra and sports club, IOW run around like a BAF

It seems to me you have two choices with education, if you pick state you spend a fortune topping them up with various things such as sport, foreign language, music etc etc after school when the private school kids are chilling or doing extra homework. And you have to devote a heck of a lot of time to all this picking them up and taking them to things which means you have no life with 4 of them.
Or you pay to get everything done between the hours of 9-4pm and have to work to fund it all.
It's not easy either way.

Is the most important thing "Education,education,education" then?Or is this a total construct?

Before I had a child with moderate LD I totally stressed about all this.I have a ds whoi is bright but not G and T.I hope he fulfils his potential.With dd I hope she is happy within her limitations.

I don't understand this point made by the dolly that you should prefer worse schools over better ones - seems counter-intuitive to me. And if you are applying to first-rate universities, then a B at GCSE is a fail. It's all about what the OP's son's abilities and expectations are - and he's looking to do well and ambitious so why wouldn't a better state school be a more suitable environment for him than a worse state school?

I get Dolly's point totally. I think the thing is really that a school that makes the kids feel like failures if they don't get straight As is actually not a good school, it's just one that gets good grades, which is not the same thing at all. You can come out a more resilient and rounded individual and thus better able to succeed from a school which focuses on building confidence and nurturing a range of talents, not just on getting the grades.

Quattro - there are ways to 'fail' without being made to feel a failure. Some of the excellent state grammars as I'm sure you know are hothouses when it comes to helping children to get the grades. This is not the school experience that I would want for my child, first-rate university or not.

Sooo... if your DC's ambition was to go to a first-rate university, you'd say "Don't worry about grades, they're so unrounded. Here's a nice underperforming school you can go do where failure is the expectation and it'll be a real battle to get those grades you wanted. But you'll be ever so rounded when you leave school." It seems to me that this view has a poverty of expectation - why on earth shouldn't the OP's son have ambitions to go to a good university?

Eh? Of course not! You would look at other factors as well as league tables in working out what was the best school, that's all. A school which ignored academic achievement would not be a good school but that doesn't mean the one highest up the league tables would always be the best.