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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is a bit bad to trick a dp/h into having another child

154 replies

timmette · 04/05/2009 12:30

Read a post on this lovely website and it has prompted me to ask - aibu to think it is wrong to con ( can't think of a better word)a dh into having another child when he has stated he doesn't want too? I just think it is morally wrong - I know it is none of my business but I am a bit
.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 04/05/2009 12:31

a bit bad?
extremely very bad, as Lola would say.
Do people really still do that?

rubyslippers · 04/05/2009 12:32

of course it's bad

it is a terrible thing to do for all concerned

pginthecloset · 04/05/2009 12:32

of course it's totally wrong.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 04/05/2009 12:33

It's very bad.

Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 12:35

Bucharest I was trying to be polite about it - lol - am still a bit new to this site and didn't want to offend anyone or start a war .
But yes it seems it does happen. It's not something I could do - my dh has spent a year not wanting ttc 2 and has now changed his mind and I am overjoyed. And since I faithfully popped pills to ensure no accident because I find it morally wrong to do that - ifykwim

OP posts:
Soph73 · 04/05/2009 12:36

I would love another child & I'm in charge of contraception, but I would never ever trick my DH into having another child. It is totally & utterly wrong.

Longtalljosie · 04/05/2009 12:37

It is wrong. But I couldn't believe the number of people who said to me - when now DH (then boyfriend) was humming and hawing about when to get on with it - "oh well, you could always have a little accident". As though that could ever be a good idea! And as though if you're a bloke you're not allowed to take a view as to when / if you want children. Very bad and wrong imo.

Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 12:39

I think it is devious and surely not very good for a relationship. Have been a bit emotional today so was trying to phrase it carefully

OP posts:
namebacon · 04/05/2009 12:40

If a man doesn't want any children he needs to take steps to ensure this doesn't happen. It's isn't the womans job to ensure the man doesn't father a child he doesn't want FFS, it's his job.

HeinzSight · 04/05/2009 12:43

I think I know the thread you're talking about and I posted on it. I absolutely echo namebacon's post. It takes two. But I also agree that in some cases women can indeed be very devious and for example stop taking the pill, this is totally unfair.

pginthecloset · 04/05/2009 12:45

I do also agree with namebacon. Men must take responsibility for their own fertility if they absolutely do not want children. If there is a genuine accident, it is as much the man's fault as the woman's.

It is wrong to trick a man into becoming pregnant, but if he wants to have sex then there is always a risk that pregnancy is an outcome.

Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 12:46

Yes Heinzsight - you are right about the post but I just think these things are joint decisions - especially when one of the people seems to be in posession of more info than the other - I feel it's taking advantage. But that's just me and I don't know what their relationship is like, could be totally different and I could be very wong or got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 04/05/2009 12:47

Extremely underhand...thats why I have always said to my male friends 'Know where your sperm is!'

violethill · 04/05/2009 12:48

It would be dishonest,deceitful and morally contemptible.

Can't personally see how anyone would feel ok to go ahead and try to get pg on that basis.

HeinzSight · 04/05/2009 12:48

I agree and I've posted again on that thread.

Longtalljosie · 04/05/2009 12:50

In theory, namebacon is right. But you make a lot of joint decisions as a couple, including contraception methods - and if the woman is on the pill, that's pretty much ruling out a baby. Yes, of course accidents happen, even on the pill - but there's a world of moral difference between an accident happening and coming off the pill without discussing it.

violethill · 04/05/2009 12:56

Totally longtalljosie. If a couple agree jointly on a contraceptive method such as the pill, and then the woman secretly stops taking it, it hardly becomes the man's responsibility!

namebacon · 04/05/2009 12:57

But what happens if a joint decision can't be made. If a couple agree that the woman goes on the pill, then she wants a baby and he doesn't is it still her responsibility? She has to pump her body full of hormones because her partner doesn't want to?

ScorpiowithabigS · 04/05/2009 12:58

I feel really strongly that a new baby is a joint decision, not an accident, or a slip up, but a conscious thing, with explicit consent from the other partner.

I would never risk my marriage, or indeed want to do something to DHs life that he didnt want and have a baby just for me.

Can't believe people do this.

ScorpiowithabigS · 04/05/2009 13:00

namebacon - i wanted dc3 for a good 18 months, DH was adamant no more babies. I had a coil put in, as the safest method for me so no accidents.

I felt it was a mark of respect, showing him i listen, respect his views, he had no worries of accidents. God imagine if he worried if i was tricking him every time we had sex.

violethill · 04/05/2009 13:02

Absolutely not namebacon. In that scenario, the couple would need to re-negotiate.

But the issue with the OP was about DECEPTION rather than contraceptive methods. If a woman tricks her partner by, for example, not taking the pill without telling him, that's just as bad as if the man wants another child and makes holes in the condoms isn't it? It's the deceit of another human being that's the issue.

Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 13:04

Agree Scorpio - I also longed for dc2 still not conceived but now we have started ttc and in the meantime I agreed to take the pill again - personally could not have tricked him and it would have been terrible for our marriage.

OP posts:
IneedAbetterNickname · 04/05/2009 13:05

I honestly and 100% believe that my SIL 'tricked' her DP into having both their dc. Just before she fell pg with her DS1, she was moaning to me and DP (her brother) that she wanted a baby, and her DP wanted to wait until a) they'd been together 2 years (they'd been together about 18 months at that point) and b) they were married. Lo and behold, 2 months later they were engaged and getting married just 4 weeks later, and a week after that she was pregnant! She claims it ws planned but it's a bit suss to me and DP. Plus when she was at ours moaning she said that her Mum had told her to stop taking the pill and not tell him!!!!!

I don't agree with it at all, a baby is a joint decision!

AnakinSkywalker · 04/05/2009 13:12

Well the person in question obviously has no respect for her partner, nor his opinions. Very much a case of I want so I'll do. Absolutely wrong. Hope he puts something on the end of it in the meantime.

TrillianAstra · 04/05/2009 13:17

YABU - it's not 'a bit bad', it's extremely wrong and pretty much grounds for divorce. It's a huge betrayal.