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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is a bit bad to trick a dp/h into having another child

154 replies

timmette · 04/05/2009 12:30

Read a post on this lovely website and it has prompted me to ask - aibu to think it is wrong to con ( can't think of a better word)a dh into having another child when he has stated he doesn't want too? I just think it is morally wrong - I know it is none of my business but I am a bit
.

OP posts:
Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 13:26

Trillian - I do thing it is wrong - but having overreacted a few times in the last 2 days was trying to be not as emotionally charged - and as I said I could not and have not done this.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 04/05/2009 13:27

'She has to pump her body full of hormones because her partner doesn't want to'
was still her responsibility...

I said in no uncertain terms I would not be taking the pill to my DH..so we found the method safest for both of us

brettgirl2 · 04/05/2009 13:28

At face value I think it is wrong.

I do think that men have the upper hand here though because if their current partner becomes too old he can trade her in for a younger model. Women have only a finite length of time in which they can conceive, however.

violethill · 04/05/2009 13:31

Strange way of looking at it. I like to think I've picked a partner who wouldn't 'trade me in' because I'm past it!

Baisey · 04/05/2009 13:32

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 13:34

Good point brettgirl2
Anyway Heinz it seems I jumped the gun a bit she has warned her dp that his contraceptive choice is a bit unreliable - feel like an ass . But interesting discussion anyway .

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 04/05/2009 13:37

So do I violet

However, you do see posts on here where the woman wants to TTC and the man wants to wait despite the fact she's 39. That would be a pretty awful situation for the woman.

crokky · 04/05/2009 13:46

I agree with brettgirl2. For a woman, there comes an age where you can't have children anymore. For a man, he has his whole life and maybe doesn't feel the same longing/pressure to have DCs whilst he is able, because he is always able.

I do think it's bad to trick someone. I do know a couple who are married and had agreed not to have children. Then the woman's bio clock started controlling her. The woman secretly stopped taking the pill, conceived, and they had a baby. Baby is now grown up, couple are still happy together. So actually it didn't create a problem. So on the face of it, it is wrong, but it must be desperately sad to have got into a situation where you are childless and totally desperate for a child - I can see why women do it and I am thankful that my DH wanted DCs when I did and I never found myself in that position. I think a bit of sympathy is needed for people who find themselves in that position.

StayFrosty · 04/05/2009 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2009 14:04

My son's GF did this to him - told him she was on the pill so he stopped using condoms and bang! Weeks after she "went on the pill" she was pregnant. I was furious at the time, since my "baby" was going to be a daddy before he even turned 18 himself.

TrillianAstra · 04/05/2009 15:20

Sorry timette should have put a in there, I was playing around with the whole AIBU thing because of course everyone is going to say 'YANBU, it is bad' so thought I would say 'YABU to think it is a bit bad because in fact it is very bad' as a sort of joke.

chequersmate · 04/05/2009 15:22

A thread on Mumsnet? Where is it?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2009 15:28

"...of course everyone is going to say 'YANBU, it is bad'..."

Not necessarily. When I posted about my son (it may have been my very first post, and I may have been a little emotional at the time) some of the replies said that if he didn't want children he should have kept his dick to himself/used condoms/had a vasectomy!

alicecrail · 04/05/2009 15:32

I fell pg by accident. Dh and i got a bit carried away one sunday morning. We had been living together for over a year and owned our house, were ok finacially etc and once we got over the shock (me more than dh) we were overjoyed. However, it didn't stop mere aquaintances asking blatantly if it was planned or telling everyone that i 'got myself pregnant' to trap him I don't know how anyone would feel confident enough to trick their partner because lets face it, it can so easily be chucked back at you. Madness

Original poster
timmette · 04/05/2009 15:36

It's ok Trillian not only am I emotional I have clearly lost my sense of humour .
here

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 04/05/2009 15:38

at the response to your son, OldLadyKnowsNothing. Can you imagine it if he had insisted on using condoms and his girlfriend had posted here? 'AIBU to be annoyed that my DP doesn't trust me - I'm on the pill but he insists on using condoms?'

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 15:38

.

FabulousBakerGirl · 04/05/2009 15:40

My DH took 100% responsibility for contraception as he didn't want me on the pill.

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 15:45

Just checking... want to post this anonymously, and as I am a well known and regular poster, I don't feel up to the battering...

I did this. My ex did not want a child. He already had an 8 year old from a previous relationship. I was/am 10 years younger than him. After a year together, his view point had not changed. I stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant immediately. He was angry for around a week, but came round as I knew he would. We split up some years later but totally unconnected to this. I doubt he would even recall it now! I did confess some years later - he was not bothered.

So, I do agree really with all that has been said. Let's not fool ourselves though - it happens, it's not the end of the world and you'll never convince me that it makes me a bad person to have done it. I hardly covered myself in glory, but I was young at the time and wanted a baby. It worked out fine.

I won't come back and defend my actions, this is a one off name change. But I will end by saying ..we all do/ have done things which are maybe morally dubious. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Are you all perfect, moral upstanding citizens? Really?? I doubt it.

TrillianAstra · 04/05/2009 15:52

You were lucky, namechange. I'm glad for you that your X came round to the idea. Maybe you knew him well enough to know that he would change his mind once it was happening. But somehow I don't think anyone can rely on the fact that the man who doesn't want a baby will overlook the fact that he was tricked and be happy about the idea of having a child.

In the end the choice may not be between having a child with DP/DH or not having a child, but between not having a child (yet) and losing that DP/DH over the deception. Anyone considering this course of action will need to carefully weigh up how they would feel about being a single parent. And how could you explain it to the child when they grow up, if DP/DH wants nothing to do with it?

Mumcentreplus · 04/05/2009 15:52

morally dubious?..

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2009 15:57

No, namechangealert, I'm not a perfect citizen by any means, and I won't have a go at you because there's no point, anyway. What's done is done.

TrillianAstra, I was surprised at some of the reactions, especially as he was so young and had trusted his GF when she said she was on the pill. She had actually got some - he saw the packets - but I'll never know if she took them or not, if she forgot one (or more) day, if she'd been sick or taken antibiotics - all of these things can happen. As it turned out, she miscarried quite early. I warned him to make certain he used condoms thereafter, as there was a high chance that having been pregnant she's want to be again, but I guess he wasn't listening too hard as I'm going to be a granny soon anyway. At least this time round he'll be nearly 19, he has a job, he's almost finished college. I think they'll make good parents, btw, I just wish they weren't both so young, and that they'd both made a conscious decision to have a baby.

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 15:59

I think...

TheFallenMadonna · 04/05/2009 16:02

Trillian, if a 17yo posted about her boyfriend insisting on wearing condoms I for one would certainly respond "bloody good thing too". Sorry OldLady.

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 16:02

Paranoid my name change will flip back to the one you all know and hopefully love! Thanks Trill, a measured response as always.And thank you old lady.

I am not proud of myself, and of course I could quite easily pile in here and bleat on about how wrong it is. It is wrong. But I still did it, because I wanted a baby and I knew he would not agree. Wouldn't do it now, mind, but that was then.