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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is a bit bad to trick a dp/h into having another child

154 replies

timmette · 04/05/2009 12:30

Read a post on this lovely website and it has prompted me to ask - aibu to think it is wrong to con ( can't think of a better word)a dh into having another child when he has stated he doesn't want too? I just think it is morally wrong - I know it is none of my business but I am a bit
.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 04/05/2009 18:12

and I wasn't suggesting you were suggesting....I'm just nosey as hell so I thought I was missing out on goss! Mrs Judgeyknickers and her cronies...alas that is not so

TrillianAstra · 04/05/2009 18:14

No problems here then

peachyfox · 04/05/2009 18:30

I suppose you could say I tried to 'trick' my DP. We weren't using contraception - I was supposed to tell him when it wasn't a good time of the month. We just had different ideas of what constituted a 'good time of the month' . I told him this wasn't reliable and he said if there was an accident we would have the baby together but that we weren't 'trying'. I was 40 for crying out loud. You could say men eventually brought out the worst in me.

It didn't work (we ended up having IVF which he was very much in the know about obviously!) I'm now 41 and expecting my first (and very probably only biological) baby with him.

Thing is, I had a series of long-term boyfriends who wanted a serious relationship with me but were adamant about waiting for babies. I took my pill like a good girl and waited as long as I could for each of them.

Why should we wait around forever for men? I can't help thinking contraception isn't entirely the feminist bonanza it is made out to be, when it comes to women being able to plan their families. For me at least - but then I always wanted lots of children.

brettgirl2 · 04/05/2009 18:54

I would define Mrs Judgeyknickers as those who cannot see that many issues are actually quite complex rather than it being a simple 'YABU' 'YANBU'

Situations like peachyfox's are exactly what I was referring to earlier and as she says contraception has in a way prevented her from planning her family. Congratulations on your pregnancy though

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 19:10

Ooohh shall I out myself...? You know, it would only take one word and you would all instantly know who I was! I think even one letter would do it... maybe repeated a few times.

StayFrosty · 04/05/2009 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 19:14

Go through the alphabet and say each letter three times... phonetically. Penny will drop.

namechangealert · 04/05/2009 19:15

But maybe just inwardly out me!

traceybath · 04/05/2009 19:26

I think to deliberately trick someone is rather underhand but as with most situations there are shades of grey i guess.

Will be advising my two ds's when the time comes to wear many many condoms if they don't want to become daddies.

Isn't one of the reasons there's no male pill because women wouldn't trust a man to take it properly or have i just made that up.

brettgirl2 · 04/05/2009 19:33

I think the reason Tracey is that they haven't yet invented anything that is reliable enough and fully reversible.

FWIW I would trust my DH to take it.

peachyfox · 04/05/2009 19:36

Thanks Brettgirl! It does feel rather good

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2009 23:09

My DH took part in trials for the male pill - it's the reason there are over three and a half years between my boys, and why I got our first dog (broodiness will out!) At that time, it wasn't a "pill", it was a weekly testosterone injection, intramuscular, in his arm (apart from the Christmas week when my trainee nurse friend administered it into his buttock and then confessed it was the first time she'd ever injected anyone. ) Anyway, it took many weeks to reduce his sperm count to zero (he was very proud of that }, the only side-effect was increased libido (ditto) and it didn't take long for the effects to reverse after he stopped the injections - a few weeks, IIRC. (ditto again) They said it would be commercially available in about five years.

Our DS2 is 19 in August.

StayFrosty · 04/05/2009 23:16

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2009 23:20

Yeah, just a quick jag in the upper arm - another opportunity for machismo - but I can see why that particular version didn't go to market.

He got had to wank once a week too, for sperm-counting purposes. Or was it once a month? Can't remember, just recall him being interrupted by DS1 and then having to keep the wee bottle under my arm while we rushed it to hospital... Happy days, the 80's...

StayFrosty · 04/05/2009 23:28

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Sorrento · 04/05/2009 23:37

I think this happens a lot actually I know quite a few unplanned babies who were planned by one person in the relationship.

LissyGlitter · 04/05/2009 23:43

Luckily with both my pregnancies I wasn't on the pill, or else I reckon DP would have suspected me of tricking him...I got accused by lots of random people (friends of his ex wife) of getting myself pregnant on purpose first time to trap him anyway (he had only recently separated when we got together, I got pg within a month). This time we had been talking about trying for one anyway, and in fact had unprotected sex once, but I found out I was pg pretty much straight after that so I must have been already pg! (I realised my period was late the first time I used MNs ovolation calender)

IneedAbetterNickname · 04/05/2009 23:50

MIL accused me of it too, Interesting considering to told her DD1 to do it! Apparantly I tricked DP into having a baby because he has a car and money at the time he had a Ford Escort, and was on about 12k per year! LOL! If I'd had picked a guy for his money, it would have been my friend who has a evo and earns 60k per year!

peachyfox · 05/05/2009 07:07

I think the option of children is implicit in marriage, unless otherwise agreed. Before a friend of mine married her boyfriend they discussed having children and he said he didn't want them very soon. She has just turned 40 and he is still the condom king. I wouldn't call her morally deficient in any way at all if she got on with it (although actually he seems to have that department pretty well covered - funny that).

The posters on here seem to be talking about discussions over baby no. 2 or 3 or more. What if you are facing a childless future like I was? Everyone seems to be defending the poor menfolk who would be so unfairly 'lumbered' with these kids.

Personally I was willing to walk away from my relationship if he hadn't agreed to a baby (he's now almost surgically attached to my swelling belly like nothing else existed).

This must be the only mnet thread where the man's right is so sacred. Or is the 'leave him he sounds like a loser' group elsewhere?

I know, for sure, that 2 of my friends did this, not because they are mean, manipulative women but because they despaired with the procrastination and, knowing their (very long-standing) partners well, knew it would be ok.

Men are not designed to want babies the way women are. Why would they be? They are designed to fall in love with it when they see it.

I would only think badly of women who did it on purpose where there was no proper, stable relationship and the man never has a chance to bring up the child.

TrillianAstra · 05/05/2009 09:03

"Before a friend of mine married her boyfriend they discussed having children and he said he didn't want them very soon. She has just turned 40."

In her shoes I would question either his motives or his intelligence. I would think that he either means 'never' rather than just 'not now' or he doesn't really understand the biology of the situation.

(namechangealert - I think I got it last night. I had been going aye bee cee and you meant ah buh cuh, right?)

Surfermum · 05/05/2009 09:35

I was with someone who didn't want children for 12 years. Getting pregnant deliberately just wasn't an option for me, despite the fact that I longed for a child, so much so that I became clinically depressed. I was 35 at the time.

It was an impossible situation, but he was as entitled to his opinion as I was. He wasn't a loser or mean and cold-hearted, he was lovely - he just didn't want children and I respected that. He may well have made a really good parent, but there was no way I was going to make him a parent against his wishes or risk bringing up a child on my own and having that child grow up with issues because their father wasn't interested in them. It may not have happened like that at all but I wasn't prepared to put either my partner or the child in that position.

Nekabu · 05/05/2009 09:35

So if a man doesn't want children, has been open about not wanting children but the woman doesn't want to find a different partner, one who does want children, or has spent too long hoping he'll change his mind then that's OK to force fatherhood on him because she wants a baby. Sheesh ...

Snorbs · 05/05/2009 09:44

Peachy, if your friend is so desperate to have children while her husband is not, and she knew that before she got married to him, why did she marry him?

As for the rest of what you wrote, you seem to be saying that only women have the right to decide whether they procreate or not, and that men can't be trusted to know what they want anyway so it's ok to ignore what they say and trick them into having a child without their consent or knowledge. How appallingly chauvinistic.

There was me thinking that good relationships were built on communication, trust and respect. I'm fucking glad I'm not married to a chauvinist like you, Peachy.

ScorpiowithabigS · 05/05/2009 09:47

IMO, my desire and right for a baby is as important as his right to not be a parent.

My marriage is strong, supportive, the best. But i would never expect it to stand up to that level of betrayal.

StayFrosty · 05/05/2009 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.