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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 17/02/2009 10:36

YANBU. You sound really sad and deflated . Your husband's behaviour is really selfish and inconsiderate - of you and the DCs. What are you going to do when he returns?

beanieb · 17/02/2009 10:36

Erm, totally unacceptable. Absolutely.

How would he react if you went out and didn't come back and didn't contact him to let him know? If it were me I am afraid i would do the same thing back to him, infact I wouldn't be there when he got back. Is there anywhere you can go?

Having a social life is fine, going out without being in contact is awful. Is it a one off?

sagacious · 17/02/2009 10:37

So hes been out all night?
Does he work?

It doesn't sound good tbh

hippopotamouse · 17/02/2009 10:40

Agree with everyone else, fine to go out unacceptable to have no contact! Sorry you're having to deal with this

LaDiDaDi · 17/02/2009 10:41

You have my sympathy. Dh isn't as bad as this but I do feel at times that he prioritises his social life over our home life and that this makes me unhappy.

What are you prepared to do to change things? What have you said/done in the past? The being out all night and not really knowing who he is with/where he is would really, really make me angry, especially if your ds was ill.

I can understand if you don't feel that you want to do anything as sometimes I just don't have the energy to put in to being annoyed about it but other times I'm much more vocal, guessing my inconsistency doesn't help but I would try to push it this time, I really would.

Will be back later.

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:41

He does work but shifts so been off the past two days. Is not the first time but it was a few years ago that he last did this.

He prides himself on us not being a "typical" married couple, in that we let each other be independant. I am fine with independance but I don't like being taken the piss out of. I sort of think that the "independance" is only going one way....His. I am closely questioned and accused of seeing other people when I even go to the cinema for a couple of hours, I don't put up with it and just tell him to shut up when he does it. I would love to see his reaction, if I disappeared for a night though. Wondering how far his love of indendance would stretch then.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 17/02/2009 10:45

Seems to me that he is having the independance cake, eating it and making trifle out of it.

You are not benefitting from your modern marriage. He is.

He is behaving like a 19yo single guy, out on the razz, leavign you with the responsibility of bringing up the children.

He needs to grow up.

MrsMattie · 17/02/2009 10:46

That doesn't sound healthy. Me and DH also pride ourselves on being 'independent', but there is a mutual respect there and an implicit understanding that family life does in fact come first. The 'independence' bit comes in when we have some free time (after our responsibilities to the kids and each other). I wouldn't mind at all if DH said 'I'm off out and I'm going to get seriously lashed tonight, so will stop at X's house and see you tomorrow afternoon'. Works both ways, too. I have the odd wild night out and as long as we square with each other what we're doing and when we'll be back and if the other one is OK at home with the kids - not ill or whatever - then cool.

But if he just disappeared without a call? Disrespectful. I would worry about him, for starters!

sagacious · 17/02/2009 10:46

Crikey alarm bells are ringing on the questioning/accusations.

If my dh is being an arse I do sometimes wonder about just high tailing it out of there leaving him with the kids BUT then I think of how THEY would feel. Its not so easy then to just dissapear and give him a taste of his own medicine.

You ARE a married couple, you have children and it sounds a bloody unfair deal. (sorry for the babble but I'm getting angry on your behalf.. I think you should too)

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:51

That is exactly it sagacious. I often think about disappearing for a day or two but then I worry about my dc and how they would feel. I am the one constant thing in there lives. H works and goes out a lot but I am always there for them. I would miss them too if I didn't see them for as long as that.

I don't mind him going out but I don't like being taken the piss out of. It is half term, so surely any spare time should be spent with ds, who poor old thing has a horrible bug while on his school holiday. You would think that ds might come first on both counts.

OP posts:
Kitsilano · 17/02/2009 10:52

I thought this was posted at 10.30pm last night and was thinking you might have been over reacting slightly. But it's the next morning?!! I'd be calling the police and hospitals if my dh did this.

Katiestar · 17/02/2009 10:54

yanbu it is totally selfish and irresponsible of him.

LucyEllensmummy · 17/02/2009 10:56

he is being an arse and you are facilitating it but agreeing to this "independent relationship". He needs a serious talking too and needs to grow up now he has children. I would be wanting to know where the hell he was - this would actually be a deal breaker for me.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 10:58

this person would cease being my husband, tbh.

beanieb · 17/02/2009 10:58

Could you go somewhere with the kids? Turn off your phone, just to see what his reaction would be. I don't like game-playing but in this case it might be a good lesson learned.

CatchaStar · 17/02/2009 10:59

YANBU, he's being an arse.

Talk time me thinks. It can't be all one way. He cannot think you taking your other child to the park as you going out and socialising all the time, that's ridiculous! Numpty.

Have words, he's being totally unreasonable.

ChampagneDahling · 17/02/2009 10:59

This does not sound like a partnership IMO. I feel quite angry on your behalf but I think you need to do something rational about this. What about calmly telling him how you feel and if the response is unsatisfactory, suggest that you both go for some marriage counselling so that an independent person can judge what is reasonable behaviour? Is it too much? maybe just the threat of marr couns might make him pull his socks up?

CatIsSleepy · 17/02/2009 10:59

I'd be seriously pissed off if dh disappeared all night and I couldn't contact him
there's independence and there's taking the piss

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:01

I have screamed and shouted and left and thrown him out in the past over similar behaviours. I let him back because my dc love him and when he is being decent it is great. He makes loads of promises and it really is fine for months even a year or more and then all of sudden this will happen again. He says that he has changed his behaviour to accommodate being married and having children because he would do this every night of the week if single. He is only doing it occasionally so it shouldn't be a problem.

OP posts:
alicecrail · 17/02/2009 11:02

Change the locks, that might make him think, the selfish bastard!

beanieb · 17/02/2009 11:03

You might get into legal trouble if you change the locks.

duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 11:04

if you are prepared to put up with it then he will never change. As others have said, he needs to grow up - you should be a partnership adn are not doing your DCs any favours by bringing them up thinking that this is acceptable behaviour. You obviously aren't happy with it so time to talk and set things straight.

Hassled · 17/02/2009 11:05

But what do you want to happen? Do you think you will ever get him to change his ways? And if you can't, can you live like this?

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 11:05

'I let him back because my dc love him and when he is being decent it is great. He makes loads of promises and it really is fine for months even a year or more and then all of sudden this will happen again. He says that he has changed his behaviour to accommodate being married and having children because he would do this every night of the week if single. He is only doing it occasionally so it shouldn't be a problem. '

Well, he's not single and he knows it. So that's not an excuse.

Doing it at all IS a problem because it's fuckwittage and disrespectful to the family he chose to create.

You've tried to talk.

Schedule an appointment with a marriage counsellor.

If he refuses to go, go yourself and figure out why you want to put up with someone who not only continues to do this even though he knows you find it upsetting but also exhibits controlling behaviour over you and accuses you of seeing someone else and point scores like a 5-year-old.

MmeLindt · 17/02/2009 11:06

Can I ask how old your husband is?

Yes, when we were single we went out more than once a week and got blootered, but we did not have the responsibilties we have now.

He sounds very immature