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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
poshwellies · 17/02/2009 15:16

Sorry,anyfucker-I'm laughing here at that comment-v. true though.

You deserve so much more than this sad excuse for a man is giving you Abitpissed.

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 15:17

He wouldn't read anything I wrote to him. I have sent him numerous emails and even showed him my diary once, from a few years ago where I wrote about how unhappy I was, he either doesn't bother reading the emails or it just doesnt get through to him. I have told him loads of times but he just ignores it, promises to change and does for a few months.

It is impossible really. He will never change and at least he is up front about it. It is me that has to do something about it. He is quite happy as things are and why wouldn't he be?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 15:19

ABPOA, you have him sussed completely

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2009 15:20

I'm with AnyFucker - I have never felt so bloody angry on someone else's behalf. I will cheerfully twat his grinning mug for you.

I'm glad you are thinking more clearly now ABPOA - don't take anymore of his bullshit. I would be sorely tempted to just walk out and leave him for a few hours with your phone off, if he complains then you know that all his talk of independance is a sham and that he's been out shagging - or he is just such a chauvanist twat that independance means him doing what the hell he likes while you stay at home and wait for him without moaning about it.

I am so for you, and so for you at the same time.

Monkeygi · 17/02/2009 15:22

It sounds to me like you've already wasted enough of your years on him. Don't waste any more! I don't think he's going to change.

dittany · 17/02/2009 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 15:26

I am going to have to go and do a bit of flower-arranging or summat

Or go outside and study the beautiful cloud patterns in the sky for a while....

I am irrationally incensed by someone I don't even know

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 15:27

'I have told him loads of times but he just ignores it, promises to change and does for a few months.

It is impossible really. He will never change and at least he is up front about it.'

He isn't up front about it. He hides behind turning his phone off and then putting the blame on you.

Bullshit.

I wouldn't bother leaving him with the kids and turning my phone off and all that crap, but then again, I'm not the vengeance type.

I'd just go to Women's Aid and leave his book ass, get another flat from the council, go on benefits till the CSA figured out what the needs to pay, etc.

Because he doesn't just do this to YOU so don't let him feed you that line of bull.

When you go piss up whatever money you have up a wall and leave your wife on her own all night and then some you're doing that to your KIDS, too.

He's a loser.

You're not.

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

dittany · 17/02/2009 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dragonfly74 · 17/02/2009 15:29

I really feel and for you, I thought my DH could be an insensitive selfish arse until I read this thread.

I can honestly say that if my DH had done the same he would have been greeted by his belongings in bin bags on the doorstep.

Good luck to you and your DC's whatever choice you make. x

Helen31 · 17/02/2009 15:31

ABPOA - reading through this has brought tears to my eyes on your behalf. So sad for you that this man thinks it is okay to treat you like this, and he has seemingly done a pretty good job of persuading you of it too in the past. But you can do something about it - you are in control of how people treat you. Key point is, it doesn't matter in the slightest if he thinks you are being unreasonable to be angry about his behaviour - you KNOW that you are right.

BTW his behaviour is totally off the scale unreasonable. But I think we're all agreed on that!

You have done nothing wrong, and he is taking the mickey. If you walked away/threw him out now you would have nothing to feel bad about. Just need to work out how you do genuine co-parenting with this useless excuse for a man.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 15:31

to be clearer, I am very angry on behalf of the OP, not at her

AnnVan · 17/02/2009 15:35

expat 'better to walk alone than badly accompanied' - couldn't have put it better.

helsbels4 · 17/02/2009 15:41

You are worth so, so much more than this. I
don't normally agree with the "Leave him he's shagging around" brigade but from what I've read here, that is the obvious explanation for his shitty behaviour here. This "indepenence" malarkey is definitely one-sided and totally out of order. He wants the best of both worlds and he's certainly achieving that. It's fine to go out for the evening - although if either of my dc's were poorly, my dh wouldn't dream of leaving them or me by ourselves - but to go and stay out all night with your mobile switched off WTF??? I would rip his bloody limbs off! He is showing you and your dc's no respect whatsoever and as he has done this before and will clearly do it again, I would seriously consider distancing myself from him. At the very least, I would see a counsellor alone because you need to restore your self-asteem so that you can stand up to this poor excuse of a husband. Oh and the other couples looking to each other when confirming arrangements is called RESPECT. Something he knows nothing about. I really feel for you

newgirl · 17/02/2009 15:48

you know that you can go to relate on your own? they can be amazing at listening and having an independent view - you dont need to tell him and you can get someone to listen to you for a change, and they can cut through things and see the key issues - from both sides

the thing is, whatever he is up to, or why, it isnt making you happy. he cant be 'independent' now - he is a father. He can of course have time on his own, plan his own things, but with respect to you and the kids with communication. He may be having a temporary crisis that may pass - if so, you both need to be able to talk about it

honestly if i were you id talk to professional myself. Then when I had a clearer idea of what i want, then invite him along again for final time. Suggest that they dont take sides, they want to hear what makes him happy to, and to find practical solutions for all this.

waitingforgodot · 17/02/2009 15:49

He sounds like he has no respect for you or your children. He is putting a night out over the care of a sick child.
Selfish twat.

redybrek · 17/02/2009 16:11

A bit pissed off actually as your name, says it all to me (I'm a counsellor btw

You are minimising your feelings and shutting off from them. To me you are very obviously depressed. The definition of 'depress' in the dictionary is 'to push down'. Hence we push our feelings down until we feel devoid of them. This is what is happening to you.

Husband is attuned to this and 'messes with your head' hence you are now wondering what the big deal is, blah blah. Look back on your posts. Keep vocalising if only to MN it is better than nothing. You can make no sense of your feelings because you have lost your sense of self.

Keep posting. Delete your browsing history though.

xx

flooziesusie · 17/02/2009 16:16

Listen love, your not on your own. My DH does the same, goes out and occasionally goes missing - I ask him to stay out because I know he'll 'go missing' so I don't have to worry about him - but he insists he's coming home... He'll get in as soon as the trains are running again, and I loose the plot. His phone usually runs out of battery, due to me calling him constantly and him not answering...

Yadda yadda. The point is ? I would never put him in the position he puts me in, so therefore he shouldn?t do it to me. His excuse is ? but I just forgot the time? drank too much etc. His friends are usually very honest with me, and try and keep me posted if he's passed out on a sofa! Yes, well ? we are all human, but lets not forget we are adults. Just don?t get into that state in the first effing place.

Your H sounds like he?s just doing it on purpose because he feels like he can, don?t put up with it? I think you have reached that point during this therapy session. You are not in the wrong he is. Independence is not an excuse for being a fucking arsehole.

You deserve better.

LucyEllensmummy · 17/02/2009 16:25

OK - so we are all agreed, this man is a prick of the lowest order - a syphilis infested, shit covered prick! BUT, the OP is saying basically WHAT are my options? I don't have the answer to this as it is very easy for me to sit here and say, no, dont put up with it. So WHAT is she supposed to do? Seriously - she has two children, one with SN. Is the house in both of their names? Do they live in rented accomodation? There has to be some wonderful mums out there who have walked this journey and can offer some practical advice?

She says they have no money and if he left he will have no where to go (my heart bleeds for him ) - that is not her problem, but if they own the house jointly, does she legally have the right to make him leave? I genuinely don't know. If they rent i would say this - cut your losses and run, there will be benefits available to keep you afloat and its not like you are effectively a single parent anyway. Why have all this heartache thrown in? If you own a house together, get some legal advice as i really haven't a clue what your standpoint is. Im not saying leave right now - but maybe you will feel a bit more empowered if you know that actually, you CAN leave and that option is available to you. Maybe you could squirrel some money away each week?

Lets face it, the easiest thing to do is stay really isn't it. That doesn't mean its the best thing in the long run though. I am sorry i don't have any answers, but its looking like he really doesn't want to change and that the wife and kids at home are more of a convenience than anything else

PlumBumMum · 17/02/2009 17:16

Also its one thing to say yeap its fine to go out for the night, if thats ok with you, but when you say your skint how much money did he drink on his allnighter you prob could have used it for a day out with the kids

flyingmum · 17/02/2009 17:33

A bit pissed off

Many about your predicament.

He is not behaving 'normally' and it sounds like the whole 'I do things differently I hate all this dependence on each other' thing is a bit of a get out clause for him. What are his parents like just out of interest - is he following some sort of pattern at all???

Any how just thought given a few other threads that have been that is it worth shoring up bank accounts any money/valuables etc that you have BEFORE you go for the jugular with the 'other woman' theory. Although he sounds like a good dad in some ways (which is after all why you are still there - it sounds as if you wouldn't be otherwise) he is obviously pretty immature and completely selfish so might want to 'pay you back for chucking him out' type scenario.

Best wishes and good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Jenbot · 17/02/2009 18:04

If I were you I'd arrange to go to a friend's with the DCs for a couple of days without telling him and switch my phone off.
I'm so angry on your behalf, it is disrespectful of him, and he's showing you he feels he can just disregard your emotions and needs and act like a man with no ties. He needs to grow up and be a man not a child.

ErnestTheBavarian · 17/02/2009 18:21

Often what is suggested in these circs is to bide your time, try to save a bit on the quiet as a back up fund, find out your rights as best you can wrt house etc, get things clear in your mind. Then you're armed with knowledge whether you decide to stay, go, hoof him out.

I'd also get yourself a full std check, and not let him anywhere near you.

YOu need to deicde if there's a happy future in this marriage. Tbh, if you've coe to the conclusion your dh is shagging around and you're not totally devastated, but more resigned to it, it doesn't sound like a rosey future to me, but I fully respect and understand that ending a marriage is a serious step.

Do you have friends or family nearby to offer you rl support.

Can you organise counseling for yourself or a friend to talk things through and work it out clearly what it is you want and need to do to achieve that.

xx

redybrek · 17/02/2009 20:00

I hope ABPOA is ok.

I hope she has support in RL.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 20:31

me too redy