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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:33

I don't honestly think that my kids are seeing anything bad. We don't argue in front of them. Their dad goes to work and he goes out and I am always, always here. When H is here dc are happy and not exposed to any negativity. The only unhappy person is me and I don't show it and to be quite honest I don't let myself feel it most of the time. Can I justify breaking up my family over it?

I would prefer to find a way where we just co-parent and he can do what he wants and I don't have to bloody well think about it. Thats how far it has gone.

OP posts:
duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 11:35

you don't have to kick him out, but you do have to make it clear that its not acceptable and if you need help from a counsellor to make him see that then do it. You say he won't see a counsellor, but he needs to know that he either sorts himself out or that will be his only option to save his marriage. If he still won't do it, I think you have your answer, sadly.

shootfromthehip · 17/02/2009 11:35

. Surely you want more for yourself than that? I'm not saying 'get a lawyer' but you have gotten to the point where YOU have choices to make and co-existing would not be one that would work for me. Can you givwe him a fright and do one yourself?

MmeLindt · 17/02/2009 11:36

That is a decision that you have to make.

I would not accept this behaviour as it shows disrespect to you and to his children. He is 30 yo and behaving like a teenager.

If he wants to go on a bender every so often, then he can arrange to have a weekend with some pals occasionally.

To bugger off leaving you with your ill DS, and your DS asking for his daddy. That would make me madder than anything else to be honest. If my son were crying for his daddy but daddy was an immature selfish prick who prefers to be in the pub to standing up to his responsibilies, he would be out on his ear.

And I am not one to say that lightly.

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:37

Maybe I don't really love him anymore or have just driven it all very deep. You all sound as though you love your partners/husbands very much and that is why you couldn't deal with this sort of behaviour.

I don't sleep with him because of thinking he might be being unfaithful and I just don't want to really. I know it is because of his behaviour and being so disrespected. Do any of you out there just co-parent and manage to be fairly friendly?

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:37

your post has made me really sad

if all you want from the relationship is to co-parent and just exist politely then I think its time things changed

don't write yourself off with this

poshwellies · 17/02/2009 11:37

It wouldn't be YOU breaking your family up though,would it?

If dear husband cannot compromise and see that his complete lack of respect for your marriage is hurting you (and your children,because you children will know),then surely it's down to his controlling and I'm sorry,down right twattish behaviour that the marriage will break up.

GypsyMoth · 17/02/2009 11:38

Another unhappy marriage. You think your kids will appreciate you staying with him just for their sakes? What example is this setting them? Do you want them to end up in relationships like this?

duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 11:39

that is such a sad way to lead your life - you are writing yourself off at such a young age, as if you truly believe you are not entitled to any happiness It will build up so much resentment for you over time, you do need to address it asap, good luck

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:40

Yes, it was the leaving ds that drove me nuts. I don't care that much for myself. In the end the thing that will make me throw him out is if it starts to hurt the dc and they become aware of him putting going out first. There really will be no reason for him to live here then.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 17/02/2009 11:41

That is really sad.

Where are YOU in all of this?

I posted a thread on relationships last year and got some really good advice about not just being a wife and mother, about keeping my own identity.

Our marriage survived the past year but only because we really worked at it and we love each other.

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:44

Crying now actually at some of things you have said in your posts. I know I deserve more than this, I honestly do. Don't know what to do really. I have just supressed this for so long.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 17/02/2009 11:44

Come on..... You have a daughter here!!! You want her growing up thinking this is how women are treated??? Do you?? And vice versa for your son!!
This was me 5 years ago . My relationship was the same. I thought I would carry on like you are. I left. And now I wonder what on earth I was thinking! Your kids need to see you value yourself! They really do.

dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:46

I'd start by writing it all down, either on here or a piece of paper

it doesn't have to make sense/flow or read prettily, just put down everything you're thinking, what you want, whats making you sad and how you think you'd like to be living

then leave it for a wee while, say overnight, then go back and look at it again

duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 11:47

the DCs will become more and more aware of his erratic behaviour, he will continue to let them down, do you want to be complicit in allowing it to continue? Talk to him.

dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:49

ducky maybe not if they're used to him working shifts, mine know that sometimes daddy is away during the day, sometimes the evening and sometimes while they're sleeping

if they've grown up with constantly changing routines then they'll adapt just fine BUT if he starts letting his disappearing act eat into their time with their Dad then thats where it becomes a huge issue

Monkeygi · 17/02/2009 11:50

I feel for you,ABPOA. I divorced my first husband because of similar behaviour. In fact the staying out all night, no contact etc was the final straw for me.He, too, was always sorry and felt guilty- but not, in the end, sorry enough to stop doing it. He wanted to be 'understood' but had no intention of returning the favour. I spent three years on my own, on benefits, with my ds1 and times were hard. But I never regretted the decision. I had peace of mind for the first time in years.
It took some time after the divorce, but we are now on a fairly amicable footing. I don't expect anything from him and so am always pleasantly surprised when he does something useful. He has ds1 every other weekend, every half term and two or three weeks every holiday.
Respect yourself. Hold out for what YOU want. You sound lovely and deserving of so much better.
And I agree with poshwellies- it's not YOU breaking up the marriage. (If that's what you decide to do). he has done that by breaking the terms of your contract.

duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 11:52

I agree dizzy, for now, but the older they get the less he will be able to get away with

LadyOfWaffle · 17/02/2009 11:52

My god, this was me a few years back. DH just went to work one day and didn't come home for a week. We resolved it all over the past year or so but I have to say if he did it again without a great excuse I couldn't tolerate it. All the 'what ifs' would be running through my head - what if DS had to go into hospital? What if I had to? Sorry I have to say alarm bells are ringing - phone off? You do deserve better than this.

dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:57

I realise this ducky, am just trying to let the OP know that she's doing a good job with keeping them in a routine and secure when working lives can have such and effect on kds, especially young ones and that his behaviour, although upsetting to her, probably won't be having the biggest impact on the kids, well not yet anyway

ABPoff - the older your kids get the better their understanding of the shifts will become and they'll soon notice he's taking the mick

I think the bigger issue here is your DH being out of contact for emergencies etc and not respecting the fact that you've asked him not to do this previously and he's still taking advantage

hopefully the success stories coming from other posters on this thread should help you realise that this kind of behaviour doesn't need to be tolerated, that there ARE other options and ways to fix it, whether it is mediation or divorce

kayzr · 17/02/2009 11:59

I really feel for you. If this was my DH I'm sorry but we would split up. It is not acceptable at all.

pramspotter · 17/02/2009 11:59

Could you show him this thread? Men have hard time understanding any perspective but their own.

When they are focused on doing something horrible to you and the kids because it is enjoyable for them, they will go to the ends of the earth to justify their behaviour by tossing the blame back onto you. Even if you have been a saint, they will find something about you to "blame" for their behaviour.

I don't think you can live like this for much longer.

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 17/02/2009 12:17

OP - you asked if we would leave our DHs over this. In isolation I would not. I believe too strongly in our marriage vows to give up without a fight. HOWEVER I would be using this as a big wake up call for both of us. This life is not fair to anyone, least of all your DCs.
Does your DH have a drink problem?

dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 12:17

I would say he's realised that his behaviour is unreasonable already by the fact he's trying to justify it by using your cinema trips as a comparison

do you ever do anything as a couple? there must have been a reason you got togther in the first place?

DH and I have no money or babysitting to be able to go out but we make an effort to do certain things together whether its a film on the TV, playing the Wii, cooking a meal with no TV once the kids have gone to bed or having friends round

this doesn't happen all the time but as long as there is something happened recently or something in the pipeline it reminds us that there is still life as a couple not just as mum and dad

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 12:23

pramspotter that is so true. H is definitely a "Blamer". Since I last posted he has called three times, not come home but called. I know as sure as I know my own name that he will use this as an excuse to be annoyed when he comes in that I was being petty and not answering my phone when he is WORRIED about his dc being ill. None of the choices that led up to me not answering my phone will mean anything it will be me preventing him from enquiring about his dc's welfare. Fortunately I have moved so far beyond allowing him to blame me for anything like this, though that certainly was not true at the beginning. I blamed myself for absolutely everything then and so did he.......

Thank you all of you for telling me about your experiences. What in the end made you actually say enough is enough? Was there a particular incident or final straw? I don't even feel angry just empty really.

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