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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 17/02/2009 11:08

"He says that he has changed his behaviour to accommodate being married and having children because he would do this every night of the week if single"

Sorry, but he sounds terribly selfish - basically he is saying "put up or shut up" Im sad for you that you can't see this. Disappearing off all night is downright inconsiderate, children or no children but to do this with sick children at home. Does he want to be a Dad or not?

Where is he? Im sorry but most of the pubs round here don't open all night and i imagine his other friends have wives and GFs? Are they ALL out all night? Sorry, but i would be thinking the worst and i bet lots of other posters would be the same.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 11:09

'Sorry, but i would be thinking the worst and i bet lots of other posters would be the same. '

Especially if he's always accusing HER of seeing someone else.

I'm not proud of it, but in my past, I cheated on partners.

I stayed out all night and made up some BS excuse.

But there you go.

vjg13 · 17/02/2009 11:09

He just sounds immature. He's probably had a heavy night and will feel rough when he gets back. As soon as he does 'pop out' and leave him with the kids. Go out for the rest of the day and let him do everthing.

LucyEllensmummy · 17/02/2009 11:10

i disagree vjd - if he comes in hung over and she goes out, the only ones who suffer are the children. I would be changing the locks

vjg13 · 17/02/2009 11:12

He's their dad, worst case is he'll sit them doown in front of the telly whilst he has a lie down on the sofa.

People can have a hang over and look after kids.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 11:13

I'd be ringing the marriage counsellor.

When he got home, it'd be one sentence: the appointment's on XYZ at blank o'clock.

If he balked, then I'd not only go to the appointment on my own but also see a solicitor behind his back about the possibility of divorce.

You were born with an asshole, you don't need this one.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 11:14

He may still be drunk and he's not slept well.

I wouldn't want him looking after my kids in that state.

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 17/02/2009 11:15

Are you not worried though? I mean you seem to think he just went and got pissed and stayed out somewhere. I personally would have phones the hospitals, police etc by now. But then it would be out of character for my DH to do that.
Agree you need a counselling appointment.

LucyEllensmummy · 17/02/2009 11:16

So why should poorly children be dumped in front of the TV while he wallows in self pity - fuck that. If he were mine he could wallow somewhere else and be questioning why he thought a night out were so much more important than his family who he might just lose because he clearly isn't that bothered about it.

lol about being born wiht an arsehole - im going to remember that one!

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:18

He is thirty. I know for a fact he will never change so it is up to me. I don't actually feel like it bothers me most of the time. If I want my kids to live with two parents this is how it has to be. He works late shifts so the dc just think he at work when he does this. He is a really good dad, when he is here.

What, realistically can I do? I can't force him to stay in and I have tried everything else.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 11:20

'What, realistically can I do?'

Well, nothing.

He won't change because a) he doesn't want to b) you will continue to put up with it.

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 17/02/2009 11:21

How long have you been married? Are the DCs his as well or just yours?

Kitsilano · 17/02/2009 11:22

Are you certain nothing could have happened to him? I would seriously call police/hospitals. If nothing else surely seeing how WORRIED and scared you are rather than angry at him when he finally gets back might make him take a look at himself. If he gives a shit of course.

duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 11:22

but your OP is all about how this behaviour is unacceptable - if you really think that then do something about it, please, for your DCs' sake if not your own

shootfromthehip · 17/02/2009 11:24

LOL at expat, I'll use that one too!

OP- you know that this guy is taking the piss. If one of your kids was to do a bunk over night you would be lecturing on respecting you and your feelings as you would be mad with worry. The impact on the kids aside, there is something seriously wrong with your relationship fif he thinks he can do a bunk and not be contactable. You don't act like a teenager so why should he?

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:24

No, not worried as he has done this many times before, though not in the last year. I used to be worried sick and cry all night the first couple of times.

I wouldn't leave him with the kids as he will probably still be a bit drunk and I would prefer he just went to bed so they aren't around it.

I honestly do see that this is outrageous behaviour and believe it or not I don't tolerate it. I don't do stuff for him or try and please him to make him want to be with me. I have told him that given his past behaviours that the best we can hope for in our relationship is to be friends but somehow I just get sucked back in because of the inbetween times when it is not happening.

I know there is a possibility of him being unfaithful. I have done the staying out all night thing and pushing your relationship to the back of your mind. Not while married to him though. Have been 100% faithful to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:25

Married 8 years, dc are his, both planned, both very much wanted.

OP posts:
compo · 17/02/2009 11:25

what can you do?
tell him you'll leave if he ever does it again when he cmes home
then next time leave

expatinscotland · 17/02/2009 11:27

'have told him that given his past behaviours that the best we can hope for in our relationship is to be friends but somehow I just get sucked back in because of the inbetween times when it is not happening.

I know there is a possibility of him being unfaithful. I have done the staying out all night thing and pushing your relationship to the back of your mind. Not while married to him though. Have been 100% faithful to him. '

and you think this is a healthy role model for your kids to grow up seeing and they're better off with this?

i think you really need to ring the counsellor in that case!

Original poster
Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 11:28

So would you all throw you DH/DP's out for this? He won't go to counselling, all he will do is promise to never do it again. I know this is unreasonable, unacceptable behaviour, but he won't come back shouting and being unpleasant, he will be so, so sorry and guilty and then as nice as can be for months on end. We don't have any money, if I threw him out he would literally have no-where to go.

It is not always so easy to take the hard road, of throwing out, divorce etc etc.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:29

he's putting you in a horrible situation having to look after your DS and worry about him too

my DH also works shifts and I desperately look forward to his days off. He does go on an occassional night out with the shift but he's never disappeared and isn't ever uncontactable so shiftwork is not an excuse at all

BUT this is your marriage and you either have to decide to put up with it if you KNOW he won't change or take steps to manage on your own and show him you can manage fine without him

he's 30, he has kids, time for him to step up to the plate and stop acting like one

poshwellies · 17/02/2009 11:31

You haven't any money?...He's got enough money to go out on the piss all night,and,yes I would throw my husband out for this-smacks of 'I'll do what I want and when I want',I wouldn't be putting up this sort of shit.

Funny how he accuses you of cheating when you have the odd 'allowed' trip to the cinema.

BennyAndSwoon · 17/02/2009 11:32

Well tell him since he promised not to do this again and he has, then he must go to counselling and a promise won't do this time.

Also - if you are having sex with him I would recommend the STD clinic. He is showing you a complete lack of respect and there is no telling how far that has led IMHO

shootfromthehip · 17/02/2009 11:32

Honestly, I would chuck my DH out over this. It shows SUCH a lack of respect, especially because he knows how much it gets to you, that I'd pack a bag for him and wish him luck!

dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:33

ALBPoff I wouldn't be tolerating the behaviour especially if there is a chance he's out cheating BUT I think there should be a few steps inbetween putting up with it and launching him out with divorce in mind

have you sat down and told him EXACTLY how it makes you feel. All well and good having an open independant relationship but not when your DC's health is concerned and not when he's playing silly guilt games - going to the cinema on occassion is hardly the same as disappearing without trace overnight