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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
dittany · 18/02/2009 14:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 18/02/2009 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 18/02/2009 14:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waitingforgodot · 18/02/2009 14:59

At least the OP now realises she has support of Mumsnet and other options to choose.
Big hugs to you!

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:20

< speaks in hushed tones >

noooo, not the cast iron......

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:23

some men are just incurable, terminal, selfish fuckers

quite often, mummy has a lot to do with it

her ikkle precious soldier 'n' all that bollocks

mustn't lift a finger, mustn't be stressed, doesn't have to take responsibility for fuck all

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:26

I am glad I married a bloke whose mother was a harridan who had all her kids doing chores from 5 yrs old, houshold tasks taught to be on an equal footing from childhood

ABPOA, if this isn't how your dh was raised I will eat my hat (it is woolly and will stick awfully in my throat, so I really don't want to....)

waitingforgodot · 18/02/2009 15:28

You are SO right anyfucker however although my hubby was mollycoddled beyond belief, he doesn't act in the same way as the subject of this post.

To all mothers with sons, please teach them to cook and clean thus avoiding problems later on life.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:31

yes, waitingforgodot, some blokes who are not twats do manage to cultivate a fair and equal partnership with their OH, even if they are mollycoddled in childhood

its called maturity

waitingforgodot · 18/02/2009 15:36

Damn Straight AnyFucker

alicet · 18/02/2009 15:48

Nothing to add to the OP to the excellent advice and support on this thread except my support. Sounds like this has helped you to realise your self worth and find the strength to help yourself - all the very best to you.

FWIW I think children understand a lot more than you realise. Whenever I am upset (and not about anything bug) my ds1 who is only just 3 ALWAYS notices and asks me why I am sad. They probably notice more than you think.

Good luck x

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/02/2009 16:44

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 18/02/2009 17:46

You are so right AF. He was the only boy out of 4 children and the Golden Bollocks basically. It never mattered how he behaved especially as a teenager and adult (I witnessed this for myself) MIL still did absolutely everything for him this is her "DS, you came home pissed out of your face, you stumbled round the house, woke everyone up and shouted at us if we said anything to you. You then passed out after spilling beer all over my carpet and sofa. I am very upset with you. Now let me make you a full English and your clean pants and socks are on your bed. Do you need a shirt ironed - give me 3 seconds". It is clear that this is his expectation for his wife as well. I actually did used to be like that in the beginning as well, thinking that it was all my fault that he felt the need to go out and stay out for days at a time and if I could just be more easy going, more funny, make the house nicer so he would want to be in it etc. What a twat I was.

Dittany we do actually do things as a family but it often seems to be a bargaining thing. As though I can't moan about him staying out all night with his phone off because last week we went out as a family twice and he bought the kids new clothes at GAP or whatever. He seems to see it as totally seperate. He does some good stuff and expects that this has earned him the right to go off and do his own thing.

When I just had ds I left him for a week and this seemed to shock him. He was fine for a year or so after it but then it just crept back in. We had dd during a good spell and now I am much more tied. My parents are difficult, although they do try and it is impossible to spend any length of time with them with two small kids. They just don't make allowances and it is too stressful. There is nowhere else to go.

Sorry this is such a long one. I am feeling a lot better. This thread has helped me so much I can't tell you. It makes me mad to read the thread slagging MN off recently. There has been some really good work done on this thread alone.

OP posts:
waitingforgodot · 18/02/2009 18:07

You are sounding really positive. Good for you! Perhaps just sounding off has put it all into perspective for you. Do you have any friends close by who can support you?

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 18:37

I feel a hug coming on........

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 18:37

lol @ goldenbollocks

LucyEllensmummy · 18/02/2009 19:29

I sadly havea friend who i see in RL today who is at a similar juncture with her DP, i think she is going to leave him, its really sad because when he is sober he is a lovely bloke and lovely dad. Made me think about you when she was here this morning and i just want to get these men and bash their heads together, they are such idiots and the sad thing is, they will be the losers in the end!

helsbels4 · 18/02/2009 20:28

Wow, you sound much more positive now and not prepared to just put up and shut up - good for you! You're worth a million of him, you just remember that.

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 19/02/2009 11:41

Little update here. Is my birthday next week. DS (6) went to H with a little list of things he wants him to get me for my birthday. H's response was to mutter so I could hear "brilliant, theres £100 gone right there". Bearing in mind that I got NOTHING for my birthday for the last two years not even a card. DS asked to get me a necklace, perfume and flowers. Just that little comment has made me feel like total shit. It is not like I expect those gifts a card would have been fine. It seems it is fine to spend a fortune out on the piss all night and all the other nights that he goes out but not to get me a decent birthday present without moaning about it. Not to mention the week I have had with his antics as detailed previously. DS was sick again last night at 5.00 am and H dragged his arse out of bed to help.......It is the first time in 6 years that he has ever got up with dc when they have been ill .

The birthday comment just really what he thinks of me. Certainly will not be feeling guilty about saving money behind his back and heaving his sorry arse out in 6 months.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 19/02/2009 11:51

What a dickwad (DH), and what a sweetie your son is
lol

AnnVan · 19/02/2009 11:56

ABPOA - awwww at your DS. That is so lovely Grrr at your H.
And brilliant that you sound so ready and determined to change your life! All the best. And I will definitely keep a lookout for you in th future to see how you're doing?

AnnVan · 19/02/2009 11:59

Oh and just a thought. Could you see if there are any MN'ers local to you? It could be that you would geta little rl support that way?

screamingabdab · 19/02/2009 12:09

ABPOA. You remind me very much of someone I know.

Forgive me if you have mentioned this already, but has he ever looked after the children on his own (for more than a few hours?). Some people have no imagination to see what it might be like to look after children on your own.

Things started to change a bit for this person when her partner looked after them for a weekend while she went away. Don't ask, just say you are doing it

waitingforgodot · 19/02/2009 12:20

He is doing himself no favours with his snide remarks! Just you stay strong Mrs and focus on what a lovely boy you are bringing up.

mugwumpy · 19/02/2009 12:45

what a wanker, you are totally not being unreasonable. you and the kids should always be first priority. where does he say he is anyway? it's one thing to be out but another if he turns his phone off. You need to put your foot down as its so unfair on you and the dc's.