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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
georgimama · 17/02/2009 14:26

IF (and it's a pretty big if) your husband is actually a good parent he still will be if you separate. He will still be your children's father.

There is no reason why you should tolerate a crap relationship just for the sake of conforming to the two parent "ideal". He does nothing for you, you don't love him and you don't even want to sleep with him. What is the point of your "relationship" with this man?

georgimama · 17/02/2009 14:30

What is better than what you've got now?

Either

Being with someone who genuinely loves and respects you, and behaves accordingly, and whom you genuinely love and respect, and behave accordingly to

Or (and the important point is, this option is equally valid)

Being alone with your children, in a co-parenting relationship with your ex which means your children are not exposed to a toxic atmosphere between their parents, and you develop some self respect

dittany · 17/02/2009 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAB09 · 17/02/2009 14:33

It sounds to me he wants to be able to have a single life with the cushion of wife and kids and that is the reason behind priding himself on an independance driven relationship.

He gets to do what the hell he likes without question and you are allowed the odd night out with twenty questions when you get home.

Kids pick up on a lot more than you give them credit for.

Decide how you want yours and your children's lifes to be and then act on it.

duckyfuzz · 17/02/2009 14:33

a night out isn't a big deal, in itself, you're right

what is a big deal is going out when DS is ill, staying out all night, not calling and consistently denying you the right to go out at all

georgimama's second point is wellworth considering

dittany · 17/02/2009 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 17/02/2009 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peachyfox · 17/02/2009 14:39

Sorry I really didn't mean to trivialise. But men can be so thoughtless that without reading all the posts I just wanted to support ABPOA just in case she has to live with it.

cluelessnchaos · 17/02/2009 14:39

My ex was like this, utter using bastard. He stayed out all night onnumerous occassions, at the time I didint accept it but I now know he was shagging everything he could. This isnt independence, it is disrespectful, at what point did he become incapable of phoning you, if he says he knew you would nag then it doesnt matter that he thought his behaviour was ok, he knew it would upset you and did it anyway, that is not a healthy relationship, it is him doing as he wants and not giving a shit what you think, my blood is boiling on your behalf.

He knows he has fucked up but is playing the game, I chucked out my ex and as soon as I had my independence and my self respect back he offered a "more traditional relationship"

It doesnt matter if we think what he did was wrong it only matters that you think it, he should not being doing stuff that he knows will make you unhappy.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 14:39

peachyfox, that is just about the most unhelpful post on here today

tootyflooty · 17/02/2009 14:39

he is not living in the real world at all. being parents means both of you make sacrifices, you are supposed to be a team. I wouldn't even expect my 18 year old son to just not come home and not contact me.It is all down to respect. i think you need to have a serious look at where your relation ship is heading, it isn't always in the best interests of the kids to stay together, what will his behaviour be teaching them. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Sidge · 17/02/2009 14:41

Your posts have made me feel so sad ABPOA

What a waste of your life. You are (I assume) fairly young, you have 2 children and from your posts appear intelligent and articulate. But you are so ground down in this negative relationship you can't see a way out.

No-one deserves to be treated so disrespectfully, least of all by someone who is supposed to love and cherish you.

Think about how you would feel if you knew you only had 6 months to live - would you think oh well, I've had a good crack and I have a wonderful husband and lovely children. Or would you think bugger, I wasted the last year/two years/whatever being made so miserable by that selfish fucker.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 14:46

I know this totally unhelpful but....,

does anyone else feel like smashing this arrogant fucker in the face with a frying pan?

grrrrrrr

sorry, as you were.....

NAB09 · 17/02/2009 14:48

metaphorically, definitely.

I have put up with some crap men in my time and it is now I have the brilliant husband I have, that I can see what I should have had all along.

georgimama · 17/02/2009 14:49

Your post is just as depressing as the OP's peachyfox. The point is there doesn't have to be a replacement. You don't have to lurch from fucked up relationship to fucked up relationship. You can be a grown up and be on your own.

cluelessnchaos · 17/02/2009 14:49

I have a brilliant dh now too, it terrifies me to think I could have stayed with ex a second longer than I did.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 17/02/2009 14:51

I do, Any Fucker.

If my DH did something like this just once (go out drinking while DS ill and wanting him) without thie aggravating factors, I would go nuts. when you have had a history of this kind of behaviour, I think you don't actually realise how poor it is.

It is totally unacceptable. If he is not going to change, get out.

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 14:55

anyfucker, thank you for that you made me laugh.

I used to go mental at him believe it or not and he would be full of promises to change and he does for a few months.

It was ds's birthday a couple of weeks ago and we invited family members over plus their partners - 3 other couples. When we were discussing what to do, where to take ds for lunch etc they were making suggestions and then looking at each other to check what the other one thought. After they left he said "I bloody well hate that, they can't move without checking if the other one thinks it is ok". I said to him "They are just considering each other, its normal. Why did you ever get married, why are you still married if you think like that?". I got the big independance speech then and thats when I said with that kind of attitude I can't see how we can ever be anymore than friends who are bringing up children together.

I will say to him later that I don't ever want to hear him question me about my whereabouts or what I get up to when I am out again. He wants independance he can bloody well have it. This independance speech is actually a relatively new feature, it may be coinciding with him being up to something I am thinking. Actually thinking a lot more clearly now I have posted about him.

OP posts:
blinks · 17/02/2009 15:03

bad.

REALLY BAD

staying away without even a phone call and being uncontactable is neglect.

he is neglecting his duties as a father and as a husband.

it has NOTHING to do with independence so his 'speech' is irrelevent. it is a matter of responsibility and courtesy.

i wouldn't waste my time on him- it should be three strikes and your out. that would be more than reasonable.

swiftyknickers · 17/02/2009 15:06

Abitpissedoff- this isunacceptable behaviour.
and I do feel for you.

My DP tried it last year, went out, got hideously drunk and turned up at my work with a bunch of flowers the next day.

I dont deny him a night out but it is the lack of communication thats the problem-it is disrespectful, especially when you have children. He went out on sunday and stayed outn the night but we had aleady agreed this is what he was going to do and we communicated the next morning etc.

dont let him manipulate you. He is in the wrong-you have a poorly chid, he should have stayed with you and suported you

arse

Salleroo · 17/02/2009 15:06

I agree with Ditanny, he is a prick.

'He said I was being nasty to him and all he had done was go out with his friends on his day off. Said he had been drinking all night and didnt go to sleep until 4 am. He says he doesn't understand why going out with his friends on his day off is such a big issue and he is not doing anything.'

Would he not like to spend his day off with his family, particularly as one of them was sick? Give his wife a break/treat?

I'm sorry he is definately shagging around, that old 'independance' trick is an old one.

I can see why you didnt bother saying anything. The red mist would have come down for me and to be honest I would have had his guts for garters. He is obviously impossible to talk to, a complete immature twat who is totally self absorbed. Are any of these 'friends' married. Can you call any to see if he was with them?

You deserve so much more from life, remember you only get one. Times may be tough for a while, but do you want to slide into full depression again due to his total lack of respect for you?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 15:10

Independence speech?

who the fuck does he think he is? Martin Fucking Luther King?

ABPOA, don't let him think you were reading the situation with the couples wrongly. That is how partnerships work, its called compromise. He has the strange notions, not you.

Don't do yourself down, you seem perfectly articulate to me, at least in print. If you find it hard to speak him, would it help to write it down. Or would he just laugh at you?

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 15:12

I think he is shagging around too. The new vocalising of wanting of independance is a definite pointer isn't it?

I am going to tell him I know what he is up to. He is always surprised at how I manage to see through his nonsense. I ALWAYS know when he is lying etc. I am very sensitive to stuff like that.

I know for a lot of people this would be devastating but for me it really isn't that bad. That is not to say I wouldn't be hurt because I would but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Almost expected.

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 17/02/2009 15:15

'Independence' in this man's case is almost certainly code for 'I am free to have sex with other people but you are not.'
He's decided that the OP exists to service him domestically and take care of the children. This isn't a co-parenting relationship, he's a parasite. I have a co-parenting relationship with my DS' father: he doesn't live in the same house as DS and I but he comes here at least twice a week and looks after DS while I go out to my dance class or out with friends or to work which I sometimes do at the weekends. He cooks for DS or buys him food if they are out and about; he washes up when he's cooked (the house is a mess because I am a slob but DS dad doesn't make the mess worse and TBH it isn;t his job to clear up after me)
He did once shag his GF in my house because she has teenage DC and I was out overnight - but he washed and changed the sheets afterwards, and he'd asked me if I minded beforehand.
I'm not bragging, OP - just trying to show you that your DH is not being fair or reasonable, but not all men are like that and it is not worth putting up with it when it makes you so miserable.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 15:15

I think it speaks absolute volumes that you were expecting something like shagging around. You don't even have the emotional energy to be devastated.

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