to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

[Abitpissedoffactually]

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

did I miss that he's stayed out all night and not bothered to call until NOW?!?!?

cheeky git

I am so sorry but I think there is a big likelihood he is cheating.

Phone switched off, stays out all night?

Exaggerated accusations that you are doing the dirty on him

He doth protest too much.

What does he expect you to do now, bearing in mind he has "promised" not to behave like this again?

What do you want? If you want him to change his behaviour and be a proper family, then you have to stop putting up with it. He obviously doesn't have enough common decency to moderate his own behaviour, so are you happy to face a constant battle to do it for him?

That seems like too much emotional energy for to cope with and if your kids are young enough to not notice much now (that mummy is a doormat), that will not last long.

I'm really very angry for and sad that some man is making you feel so worthless.

grrr, he didn't think much about his ill child whan he was doing whatever the fuck he was doing all night did he?

where is he?

You poor love. He does not deserve to be allowed home. I would book in for some counselling sessions (you can find them for free) to help regain your self esteem.

We teach people how to treat us, unfortunately.

Keep posting, we'll support you xxx

Kerry is right.

Can you sit down and imagine where you want to be in 6, 12 or 18 months time.

Even if you have an agreement to just co-parent, that doesn't stop him acting in this appalling way does it? And what about your happiness? You deserve more than living in a relationship as it sounds now.

you say in your post, what was/is the catalyst for change with other posters. it has already started for you, by posting here, questioning. you are waking up.

Sick children = a real father / husband does not go out.

He may go out for a short walk to clear head, or to get medicine or supplies or to buy a treat for the mother.

He stays in and supports and looks after sick children.

That is normal behaviour. This is beyond normal

'I don't even feel angry just empty really.'

Does there need to be a final straw?

Isn't spending your very precious life - and it is that! - just going through the motions enough?

It's not about 'just' staying out all night. Anyone can see that.

It's complete lack of respect for you and the family he chose to bring into the world because he knows how hurtful that is to you, it's knowing you have little money and pissing it up a wall out all night on the razz, it's controlling behaviour and accusing you of being unfaithful, it's taking NO responsibility for his actions (putting all the blame on you), etc.

He'll keep doing this, and his kids will know he's not at work.

They'll know you're unhappy if they don't already.

You don't accomadate being married
And if you threw him out he would have somewhere to go , where ever he is now, but they might not want him for long and he might wise up

so true, Plum!

if he has nowhere to go a) where's he going when he stays out all night? b) he should have thought about that before swanning off all night.

abitpissedoff - you say your children aren't seeing bad stuff but im so sorry they do, they see that their mum is unhappy, as much as you try you wont be able to hide it.

I feel so angry for you.

I know that i said this would be a deal breaker for me, but that is easy for me to say when my DP doesn't go out at all - his choice. I occasionally go out, and am thinking about the fact that potentially i would have reason to maybe crash at a friends if we stayed out too late and couldnt get home. Its feasable, and i don't see anything wrong with that - so long as i let him know!! But ive never done it, i don't have the energy for all nighters anymore!

If my DP were to be unfaithful, i have to question whether i could bear to live without him - but in truth i know that i could never get past the breach of trust.

You sound like you suffer from extremely low self esteem and that whilst you don't like the way you are treated, you don't feel you are worthy of anything else - well let me tell you lady, you so ARE!!!!! You sound like a fantastically loving mum and partner and he is bloody well lucky to have you.

I think you need counselling, if he wont go with you - it doesn't matter. I have counselling, and it really changes the way i react to DP when he might be being an arse - i get the results I want without having to whinge and bribe and cajole. It helps me to value myself more - i suffer with low self esteem and to live with someone like your DP would kill me.

Write him a letter tell him how it makes you feel - don't accuse don't berate, just say that it makes you feel terrible about yourself that he can't even respect you enough to ring and say "fuck, im so bladdered i can't get home, see you in the morning - and come home with a fucking great box of choccies" Not enough really, but better than nothing.

its supposed to be an equal partnership not one where you make excuses for a grown man

please don't use waiting on a final straw an excuse to keep going if you don't want to

his behaviour is unreasonable, unresponsible and selfish - that in itself is more than enough

if you decide that enough is enough, you will manage you will cope and you'll get all the support you need from all of us

You've had some fantastic advice and I have nothing much to add except to agree that I hope that this is the first step in realising that you can be so much happier than you are now. You and your kids deserve so much more than this. Either he changes his behaviour (you will probably need counselling together or seperately) OR you find the courage to end it. It doesn't have to be permanent but if you have tried and failed in the past to make him see how much his actions impact negatively, then perhaps he needs a bloody good kick up the arse ? Being a single mum is hard work but it's a lot better than being miserable because someone is treating you like dirt. Good luck!

I'm sorry you're in this position. When you talk of 'co-parenting' that makes me feel as if your dh (or not so d h) should actually be doing some proper parenting - which means that, when ds is ill - he takes over so that you can take dd out to the park, but also means that he's around for the rest of the evening (unless working) to take care or one or the other, or to help with general household things whilst you care for ds. Time taken in the park with dd is not 'being away' - its a necessity, probably for both of you having been cooped up with ill ds for the rest of the day. Co-parenting means that both parents have time off, away from the kids to wind down, chill-out, get away from the house etc without any repercussions or blame from the other parent. Its a partnership. I'm sorry to say that what you are describing isn't a partnership from what you have said.

Hear hear Lucyellensmummy

You and your dcs deserve a responsible partner

LEM said exectly what I was going to say about knowing their mother is unhappy. My God, your posts sound so, so sad. I'm afraid that your DC must be able to sense some of this sadness, even if they don't understand the cause of it.

You sound trapped, lonely, unloved, defeated, unable to believe that you deserve any better than this. But the thing is you DO deserve better - much better than your H is currently giving you. You are such a young woman (assuming you are about the same age as your H). There's a great future ahead of you - with or without your H. I am not going to shout 'divorce him', 'lock him out' at you, as it's pointless. What is a great idea though is to get some counselling for you, and if will go then for you as a couple as well.

As you haven't posted for a while, I presume your H has come back. I wonder what he had to say for himself?

I am so, so angry for you. It is absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

YANBU -people have given very good advice. Do not get resigned to it-life is too short.Make changes.

ALBP - you say you want to co-parent? But at the moment, you're not even doing that - YOU are doing all the parenting, HE is getting to have his cake and eat it.
I am so sad and angry for you. This sounds horrendous. And I agree with others - you may try to hide your unhappiness from your DC, but they WILL notice - children pick up more than we give them credit for.
And out all night with his phone off? THere'd be no question in my mind as to what was going on.
You don't sleep with him, you don't love him, and it sounds to me like you are suffering depression (and chronically low self esteem) That 'empty' feeling you describe really sounds like depression to me. YOU need to be happy and healthy to look after your DC, as you are the one providing all their care. IMO your idea of 'co-parenting' will only mean that things will continue exactly as they are now.

Hi, this happened to a friend of mine quite recently. I'm not necessarily advocating it (I'm a wimp myself), but she's a whole lot of woman for doing it.
When her husband finally walked through the door she just said, without rancour, hi, I'll be back later and left for exactly the same amount of time as him with her phone off. She came back the next day.

Of course that may not be practical - but we can dream.

Good luck - try and think of his good points - a replacement probably wouldn't be any better.

'try and think of his good points - a replacement probably wouldn't be any better'

I don't know if I am depressed. I have been before and I felt a lot worse than I do now. I do have awful panic attacks though so maybe it comes out that way. I am very focussed on my dc and thats why I don't think I am depressed because before I wasn't really able to function or focus on anything.

He came back with a big smile on his face acting like nothing was wrong. He said I was being nasty to him and all he had done was go out with his friends on his day off. Said he had been drinking all night and didnt go to sleep until 4 am. He says he doesn't understand why going out with his friends on his day off is such a big issue and he is not doing anything. Always does this, plays the innocent and looks amazed that I would be bothered or upset by how he has behaved. I told him I am not interested in discussing it with him, there is no point because he will, as he always does just put his own spin on it making out that I am nagging him and he is completely innocent and well meaning.

When he does that he does confuse me because I suppose going for a night out is NOT such a big deal and then I think that I am overreacting and that is why I always just let it go. Even now I am reading this post and wondering why his behaviour is wrong. I can't seem to articulate what is so bad about it. If you look at the way he does, it WAS just a night out blah, blah, blah. All I know is that NO-ONE else we know behaves like this. I said that to him but he is happy about that. He says he couldn't stand to be like the other couples we know.

I think I do need some counselling because I can't seem to say what is actually bothering me about it all to him. People on here have said I deserve better but what is better. What can happen to me now that will be any better? I have two dc that I look after on my own. I would be a single parent, with no money, no way of getting a job because ds has special needs and I have to be available for him all the time. I just feel utterly defeated. I can't see where there is to go from here.

Dizzydixies thank you for saying that I am doing a good job keeping things in a routine and making sure my dc are not affected because I do really, really work at making sure they are not. It helped for you to say that. You have all been so amazing actually. I don't want to be one of these people who just sit here saying "Oh he is such an arsehole, but I am not going to leave, I just want to moan about it" but I genuinely cannot see where to go from here.