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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unacceptable behaviour from a father and married man?

204 replies

Abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 10:33

So H went out to see a friend last night at around 17.00 pm. Got a phone call around 19.30 saying he was going to see another mate.

He is still not back. Phone is switched off and have heard nothing. DC both have stomach bug and did last night when he went out so he knew they were ill when he went out. Ds keeps asking for him. Is not the first time he has done this, though the last time was quite a while ago.

I am not even that angry about it, just resigned, which I suppose is a bit worrying. I said I was surprised he was going out just before he went as ds was ill and wanting him, he said "well you went out earlier on and you didn't mind leaving him then" - I took dd to the park as she had not been out all day because her brother was ill. I was gone for one hour. He always says things like that if I ever call him on his over active social life. I occasionally go to the cinema and he will always bring it up as me "being out all the time", if I ever comment on his late nights.

Feeling really fed up and sad that this is my life really.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
Janos · 17/02/2009 20:41

for you OP.

My knee jerk response is to say well if he likes being single then damn well let him BE single. Living on his own in a bedsit cause that's all he can afford while he pays child support + your mortgage.

let him wallow in his own filth.

See how much le likes it without having someone round to mop up after him when he carries on like an insensitive, thick as pig shit wanker who expects his arse wiped for him like a big baby.

Apologies for the invective but GOD men like him make my blood boil, they really do.

TWAT.

In other words OP YANBU!!!

Janos · 17/02/2009 20:54

Sorry, my righteous ire isn't helping anyone is it?

It's really not fair on you that he behaves like this OP. My thoughts are with you.

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 17/02/2009 20:57

Just realised I have been spelling independence wrong all the way through my posts . Oh well I have other things on my mind.

Thank you all so much for your amazingly supportive posts. Been thinking a lot today about this and I realise that it is over between us. I can't imagine ever wanting another relationship after this one but it sounds like other peoples relationships are a lot different to mine and I think I am pretty pissed off with not being special to someone or worthy of consideration. This has never really happened in any of my other relationships - they all acted as though they were lucky to have me. He did at the beginning. The looking down on me and lack of respect definitely came along with the dc, I can pinpoint to just after ds (pfb) was born - he started disappearing and performing then and it has just got worse since then. He has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever. I am just here looking after the kids and I am good for that but otherwise a bit of a nuisance really, with all my demands for equality and being treated with respect.

I am already saving and getting some practicalities sorted out. It is difficult because I don't have any friends or family nearby.

Tbh I am angrier than I have been for a long time. I am not going to put with a second of questioning or accusations after this. I will just say to him "You wanted independence, now you have it and so do I, don't dare ask me another question or make another accusation".

OP posts:
BennyAndSwoon · 17/02/2009 21:02

Only you know your relationship, and whether it has any positives for you. And it sounds like you have realised it doesn't.

You sound really strong, and I am sure you will deal with whatever comes your way.

Anger is good, but don't let it eat you up.

You sound like a really wonderful mother who has held a horrid situation together through strength and grit.

Now go get yourself happy.

You deserve it

BitOfFun · 17/02/2009 21:04

Good for you- I have only just read this thread, and I am so glad you are finding some of your fire. Too right, tell him to stick it up his arse: how dare he complain if you go out yourself. I think you are very strong actually- keep it up, and keep the idea of your happier future in your mind's eye.

mankymummy · 17/02/2009 21:11

"he couldnt stand to be like other couples he knows"? what an arrogant twat.

if its ok for him to behave like that on his day off, then call his bluff and tell him you will be doing exactly the same on your "day off".

if he moans, just say that YOU would hate to be like other couples you know.

honestly.... i have not been so livid reading a thread for years.

tell me he has some bloody amazing good points (apart from the basics of fullfilling some of the roles of being a father) please... [sngry]

mankymummy · 17/02/2009 21:11

obviously very angry... meant not [sngry]

Janos · 17/02/2009 21:15

Yes, keep your anger, and use it positively to get things done!

You will find lots of support on here from people who have been through the same. Good luck

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 21:38

ABPOA, all my best hopes and wishes for you

expect it to get worse before it gets better

when he wakes up and realises this time you really mean it

when it finally gets into his thick skull that he stands to lose all he has held in such disregard for so long

I soooo hope you can stay strong and not fall for his self-pitying bollocks when the shit hits the fan

please stay posting and also join the "fab and glam" thread

whereabouts in the UK are you? roughly?

MyChemicalToilet · 17/02/2009 21:45

Hi, I'm sorry to read about your partner's behaviour. It is not the norm. I never post on the relationship threads, but I was both sad and angry when I read this.

Does he have people around (parents/siblings/good friends) other than MN who you can talk to about his behaviour? I think it is HappyWoman on here who advocates getting things out in the open with people he would usually listen to, to hold the mirror up to him and then hopefully administer a swift kick in the arse. It makes 'how their behaviour is perceived' to them more real, as it is observed by outsiders. That may help validate how you feel?

I fear it may be too late though. I hope you have proper support in RL, but Team MN are rooting for you. Good luck.

warthog · 17/02/2009 22:16

so sorry

blinks · 17/02/2009 23:27

you're right not to put up with such utterly shitty treatment.

macdoodle · 18/02/2009 00:59

Am so sorry this makes my blood run cold
I wasted 10 years of my life on a man like this (other than my 2 gorgeous DD's) - he will never ever change you know that - I stuck around for the coparenting, making life easy etc etc CRAP!!!!!!!!!!! I said he was a great dad too, of course he wasnt, he treated me and HIS family with utmost disrespect how is that being a good father
It has taken me a long time to get out, my self esteem in tatters, my head messed, financial bereft (nearly bankrupt), and now I am finally standing up to him, he has turned nasty, aggresive and violent = my one and only advice to you, is get out now by whatever means you can x

AnnVan · 18/02/2009 07:59

ABPOA - good for you! stand up for yourself, don't let him make you feel like you don't deserve better. You deserve much better. And keep us updated, I think you will always get support in this on here.

smudgethepuppydog · 18/02/2009 08:08

You sound like a strong lady and I wish you every success. Listen to these wise posters here. I only wish I had listened when I was advised to do the smae many years ago. Instead I continued to live, as friends, in a loveless marriage because I thought was best for the children.

I thouhgt they'd never realise me and their dad were just going through the motions.

Like you and your DH we seldom argued but I was well and truly beaten down by the emotional wear and tear that came from living with a controlling man. I too, thought I hid it well. I was wrong. Very, very wrong, children aren't daft.

mrsblanc · 18/02/2009 10:07

abitpissedoff how are you doing?

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 18/02/2009 10:10

Thanks again for all your kind messages. It has made a huge difference to how I am dealing with H. Feels great to have such support behind me.

Well this morning he told me that he never mean't infidelity when he was talking about having an independent relationship just that he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone. I said thats completely fine, just so you know that it goes both ways and reiterated that he must never question me about my whereabouts or doings. I have a feeling that this is going to bring things to a head one way or another, when a situation where I go out arises.

The thing I am the most angry about is that today is Wednesday, he is having a lie in and will probably rise at about 11.00 and then go into work. It is half term his son adores him and he has spent one morning with him this week, the rest of the time he has been doing his own thing . I feel so furious and that he is disrespecting MY son by behaving like that. I would never allow anyone else to treat my son with so little regard. He actually had the gall to say to me yesterday that he couldn't believe I was nagging him about going out and would I be nagging him about going to work too!!!? Apparently it is the same thing in that he would not be here either way. Of course of farkin wouldn't - he HAS to go to work. He does not HAVE to go out on the piss all day and night. This is his logic. How the hell do I argue with that? It makes me want to rip his head off.

Anyway I am just going to save like mad now and give myself a 6 months timescale to sort things out, get some money behind me. 6 months will probably be around the time he does it again so I will be prepared then. Thank you all again for your messages. They have made me feel really strong.

OP posts:
AnnVan · 18/02/2009 10:27

Good grief!! If he didn't want to be tied down/answerable to anyone else/have any commitments, then he should not have married and he DEFINITELY should not have had children. At the very least he should answer to the needs of his children. But then, you already know this and he ignores it. How very, very infuriating for you honestly! You have my deepest sympathies, and I wish you all the best.

dizzydixies · 18/02/2009 10:57

he is being childish and selfish and he wants you to justify his behaviour by commenting on it, don't. keep a dignified silence whilst you work things out in your head and leave him guessing.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/02/2009 11:44

I haven't read all the posts as at work but had to reply.

My parents got divorced when I was 3 and bro a few months old. Dad had an affair and so I guess there must have been some sneeking around.

No doubt it was horrible for my mum and damn hard work bringing us up on her own. Dad didn't want to see us for a few years but mum kept in contact with him sending stuff we'd done etc and always kept the door open for him. I can't imagine how hard this must have been and she's never said a bad word about him in front of us.

Dad got back in touch (not sure when, maybe I was about 7) and we have a great relationship with both my parents. It hasn't affected me particularly although my bro needed other male role models. We've never had to choose between them, even at Christmas, although inevitably there's compromise.

I think it would have been worse for us to have been in a broken marriage. Seek counselling and fight as hard as you can but divorce/separation doesn't have to be horrific on the kids (although you'll need a tanker load of courage and family/friends support).

Sorry, I just wanted to share a 'positive' experience of divorce. Not that I'd advocate it, but I turned out ok!

I wish you every blessing

Original poster
abitpissedoffactually · 18/02/2009 11:51

Thanks purplecrazyhorse. I do think there is every chance it could be like that for me anyway because I feel that I have moved on emotionally anyway. There is not really a lot he can do to hurt me, though he does make me very angry. Your Mum sounds like an amazing woman, I should think it would be very hard to be so selfless. I hope that I could be though. I definitely would never try to get in the way of his relationship with his dc and would actively encourage and push for it.

Dignified silence definitely the best way to go dizzydixies. He apologised to the dc this morning for being "at work" so much over half term and said he would make it up to them. Didn't apologise to me until I reminded him he should. I shouldnt have said anything. I dont want a begrudged apology.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/02/2009 11:54

Ohh just read the last page, good luck for the future. I'm sure you and the DCs will be fine whatever happens.

My mum made loads of friends at Gingerbread (national single parents org). Find something locally for support if your family are miles away. Are there local MNers near you?

Big smiles and hugs!

Jux · 18/02/2009 12:35

'Loser' was a good description. He's lost you already, and a damn good thing too. Stay angry.

mrsblanc · 18/02/2009 13:49

abitpissed I am not just saying this but you sound like a very fair and together person, and one who will be accommodating but won't be pushed around - not always easy to know where one ends and another one begins.

Maybe your renewed strength will have an effect on your dh.
Perhaps he will have a change of heart and behaviour , - some seemingly hopeless cases do grow up eventually .It is good that you are not banking on it and are making other plans

good luck x

waitingforgodot · 18/02/2009 13:59

Good for you! You are a very strong person.