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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

219 replies

nissa · 29/11/2008 15:55

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 29/11/2008 15:59

Personally I wouldn't allow either one.
This man has deceived both you and his wife over a 9 month period.
I suspect she has ulterior motives in wanting to come the scan.
What an utter bastard.
Hope it all goes well with your pgcy.

Ronaldinhio · 29/11/2008 16:02

yanbu but the pregnancy hormones must have addled your mind to think that you might be!!
He sounds a twonk

scorpio1 · 29/11/2008 16:03

I wouldn't want her to come, no. Him, yes, he is the father and responsibility starts now.

hecate · 29/11/2008 16:03

Are you sure they do not intend to go for custody?

unavailable · 29/11/2008 16:03

I dont think its appropriate for either of them to be there. Him having access to your child when they are born is one thing, but this is another.

isaidno · 29/11/2008 16:03

I wouldn't let them come.
Send a copy of the phto.

BouncingTurtle · 29/11/2008 16:04

ecate - that what I was wondering.

Snaf · 29/11/2008 16:05

Are they both insane? It's a hideous idea.

Fwiw I'm not sure I'd want him anywhere near me either, but that's for you to decide. But her at the scan? Why?

BouncingTurtle · 29/11/2008 16:05

Hecate
Sorry having some problems with my Hs!!

Hassled · 29/11/2008 16:05

It's probably less to do with her seeing the scan pics and much more to do with her not trusting him to see you on your own. YANBU - stick to your guns.

BennyAndJoon · 29/11/2008 16:08

Oh dear god no

yanbu

I think hassled may be right that she just doesn't trust him out of her sight, but wat a terrible idea.

dougal3 · 29/11/2008 16:08

You sound v. easy going. YANBU at all. I think Ronaldinhio may have a point about pregnancy hormones, which can make you quite ... biddable. Watch out for that and don't get pushed beyond your boundaries in what it is clearly a v. diff. situation.

Miyazaki · 29/11/2008 16:09

well, as an aside, in your op her daughter, her family? is the daughter her child from a previous relationship? or is she their daughter, their family?

it's a tricky one. Do you want your child to know this other family/that she has a half-sister?

I would go with the softly, softly approach. Send them a video/scan.

babylovesmilk · 29/11/2008 16:11

YANBU. Don't let her come - no way. I would let the father come but be wary - I can't understand why she would want to go unless A)she does'nt trust him (no surprise there) OR they want custody.

Flibbertyjibbet · 29/11/2008 16:11

(not that anything will go wrong) BUT

Imagine if you have bad news at the scan, which I did the first time I was pregnant. You wouldn't want that cheating lying bastard there never mind his wife.

As I think has been pointed out before, scans are not for waving at your baby, they are a medical thing to check for anomalies.

Tell them that you are taking your mother/sister/best friend and that they can have a copy of the scan pic once you know all is ok.

Most hospitals don't allow anyone but the parents in the scan room anyway.

Also, there was recently a thread from a lovely lady who had split from her husband while pregnant and he was claiming rights to be present at the birth. If you don't want him (and her) to be at future scans, checks, and possibly that most personal of moments - the birth; then stand up to him now and say that he can be a part of the baby's life after its born, but you will have someone else with you for the ante natal stuff and birth.

MissisBoot · 29/11/2008 16:12

yanbu at all.

mumoverseas · 29/11/2008 16:15

Agree with BT in that he is an utter bastard. Tell him to sod off and go along with a friend or family member to support you. If he already knows when the scan is maybe change the date/time in case they decide to turn up.
Don't worry about the possibility of him/them trying to get Residence (formerly called custody) only in their dreams. Try not to worry too much about this and try to enjoy your pregnancy

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 29/11/2008 16:18

Don't have either of them there. Jeez, can't believe the cheek of the pair of them. Obviously he has a right to some sort of access when you have your baby, but not now. What a cheeky, lying bastard!

Have someone with you that you trust and will be there for you. He can have a copy of the photo, and that's it.

Poor old you. Enough to deal with the emotional and physical aspects of pregnancy, but you've been shat on form a big height and let down by someone you cared about. You don't need all this emotional shite as well.

{{{hug}}}

squeaver · 29/11/2008 16:30

Of course yanbu. As others have said, either:

  • they may be working up to seeking custody

or

  • she's worried about him seeing you again ( in which case, poor her)

Whichever, your priorities are you and your baby.

AnarchyAunt · 29/11/2008 16:36

Tell 'em to sod right off.

As others said, there's not likely to be any good explanation of why she wants to be there. Take your mum or a friend, send him a picture if you like, but don't feel under any pressure to allow him 'involvement' in the pregnancy. Access can be discussed when the baby is born - until then your priority should be looking after yourself and not letting this sort of emotional crap get to you.

JustNobody · 29/11/2008 16:37

Keep copies of all emails - esp. any saying he wasn't going to see you or baby. I'd be scared of them seeking custody.

Original poster
nissa · 29/11/2008 16:40

Thanks everyone.

I didn't think I was being unreasonable but as much as I'd love to never see him again I feel it's only fair for the baby to know it's father.

I will stick to what I have said. I will allow him if he comes alone but I am worried that they will turn up together. Have told them the date but not the time.

I am very concerned about them wanting the baby. A friend who he works with has said that he confided the wife can't cope with another bad pregnancy and they are in the process of adopting. This has made me pretty edgy. I understand this will be even more hurtful to her but this is MY baby.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 29/11/2008 16:41

YANBU

there's no way i'd allow either of them in the room. stand up for yourself- you owe them nothing.

and i agree with justnobody - keep ALL correspondance from now. just in case.

best of luck.

CarGirl · 29/11/2008 16:42

This sounds very mean but if you exclusively breast feed the baby when born then it will limit the duration they could have the baby for access visits until baby is older. I would remind him that the scan is not a meet & greet but to check everything is okay.

magentadreamer · 29/11/2008 16:48

Personally I'd not want the lying cheating toe rag at a scan let alone his wife! YANBU to refuse.