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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

219 replies

nissa · 29/11/2008 15:55

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 29/11/2008 19:59

I also love that (according to that article anyway, I will go and do more reading now) they are going to strongarm women in this wholly unacceptable way but are only "hoping" it will convince more men to pay for their children.

hannahsaunt · 29/11/2008 20:01

I am probably going completely against the grain here and probably being very naive. However, if he is to be involved with this child once (s)he is born, isn't the child going to be included in his family, know their half siblings, know his wife? I can understand not wanting to have her at the scan (or even him - he's not your partner) but meeting her and establishing some kind of dialogue and good communication can only help foster the best of situations for your child to deal with as (s)he grows up.

ScottishMummy · 29/11/2008 20:03

nissa you are the pt and can deny access to them.they have no automatic rights to be included in your antenatal care

take a confidant/family to support you.consider briefing your mw of situation too (dont worry their concern is your health)

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 29/11/2008 20:05

hannahsaunt, yeah that does sound naive. They're not the brady bunch.

NCbirdy · 29/11/2008 20:06

grimupnorth - in theory they already can doc beneifts for those who refuse to name the father. I don't know that they do this very often and I have no idea how much they can hold back though.

macdoodle · 29/11/2008 20:10

Nissa - my H's OW got pregnant (BTW you sound much nicer than her she is a loon)!
He didnt go to the scans with her (and NEITHER did I - I DIDNT want to in any way, would NEVER have entered my head)...at the time we were "trying" and I didnt trust him, certainly not with her ...but I still wouldnt have wanted to go to her scan
He was there when baby was born, and only now (her baby is 16 months), is having small contact with my DD1 (DD2 is still too young)..
My H and I are not together (but amicable), my H has contact and a good reationship with OW baby (as far as I know but is not with her either).....and he is now starting to try and develope a relationship between the children - neither me nor OW are there!
From the POV of a W - I think this request is very odd and YANBU at all - but to show that hopefully in a while things will be ok if only for the sake of ALL the children involved!

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 29/11/2008 20:12

WOw, macdoodle. You sound better off apart.

Some men do complicate their lives don't they!! And leave a trail of upset people/children in their wake..

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 29/11/2008 20:12

they look like perfectly rational and constructive posts from Cargirl imo [puzzled]

I agree with Blu that they haven't got a cat in hell's chance of getting residency - but even if they are considering it, it could lead to unpleasantness and stress for the OP. I think (op) you should write a letter to your ex (not his wife) explaining that your willingness to allow appropriate contact between him and the child is just that - there will need to be a clear arrangement with clear boundaries and there is NO QUESTION of his wife being present during antenatal procedures. Assert yourself now with a balance of forcefulness and dignity, before they get the idea that they can push you around.

captainmummy · 29/11/2008 20:14

Interesting but - WTF???

Where's the OP?

ShyBaby · 29/11/2008 20:14

What you say is right hannasaunt but I find it very hard to believe that this woman has no bad feeling towards the op.

In these kinds of situations even if the "other woman" was none the wiser, they usually get the blame....especially when hubby is forgiven and all is rosy again.

No, I really wouldn't trust her (or him obviously)!

macdoodle · 29/11/2008 20:20

again as the W - I harbour horrible feelings for the OW (even if as she says my H lied to her as well, my H OW NOT OP just to clarify) - in fact I hate her blardy guts BUT ......there are 3 children in this (my 2 DD's, and her DD) and I will do my very best for my 2 and hers as well, none of them asked for this mess....
I can still see no reason for her to be at OP scan - my guess though it is a trust issue nothing more - I never ever trusted my H or OW again and even now have my doubts as to what H says .....which is why, yes I am far better without him

ShyBaby · 29/11/2008 20:22

Lets not jump to conclusions cm, my first post raised a few eyebrows...five years ago!

ScottishMummy · 29/11/2008 20:24

nissa may be reading just not participating.up to her.no rules you have to hang around

SleighGirl · 29/11/2008 20:26

I think Santa has got a good idea about writing to the ex, I think I would also try & make out that you are doing them a favour along the lines of "you need some space without added complications whilst you work on your marriage, there's no rush to be overly involved with the baby" something of that ilk.

mumoverseas · 29/11/2008 20:27

and she may be very upset about the possibility of the father and his wife seeking residence of her baby, something which had probably not crossed her mind before!
Hope you are ok Nissa and are not too stressed out by all this.

Original poster
nissa · 29/11/2008 20:30

Thanks for everyone's support.

I am thinking I will tell him I want neither of them there now. I just want to be there with someone who will support me and who will not have me stressed before it even begins.

To be honest I want nothing more to do with him. I wish they had stuck to the original plan and just left me to it. I thought it was very important to be fair as he is the babies father but I don't want this kind of trouble.

I'm not sure about the birth certificate yet. I don't really want him on it but I think he will want to be included. I am going to get some legal advice asap.

I have no doubt that he will get contact via a court. There is no reason why he wouldn't. I don't know if I could request that the wife isn't involved.

I feel bad that she is hurting because of this but my baby will not make the marriage suddenly better. He seems to be giving her everything that she wants to please her and even quit his job because he works where I am which is 200 miles away from her and stays up here 4 sometimes 5 nights a week. That's how neither of us realised he had someone else....

I am hoping the distance will put them off a bit.

Thanks again for the support and views. For the record - I plan to breastfeed as long as possible so hope that will help!

OP posts:
TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 29/11/2008 20:32

Nissa, congratulations on your prgncy by the way. Hope you enjoy it and aren't too stressed.

solidgoldbrass · 29/11/2008 20:36

Nissa: that your baby will benefit from contact with his/her father is one thing (yes he/she will as long as father is not actually abusive, ditto contact with half-siblings, but there is plenty of time to take care of that once your baby is old enough to take notice of his/her surroundings). When your baby is not even born yet it is of no relevance to the baby. SO right now you need to put you - and your baby - first, and tell this messed-up fuckwit couple to back off and leave you alone. You don't owe them anything and they have no legal rights over you or the baby.

It's not a bad idea to keep copies of all emails, though - just because it's always a good idea to amass evidence when dealing with unreasonable people, and they are unreasonable.

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 29/11/2008 20:36

Sleighgirl and Santa Sorry to disagree with you, but OP please do not write to the ex offering or promising or suggesting any amount of contact.

Don't put anything in writing. You might regret it.

usernamechanged345 · 29/11/2008 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumoverseas · 29/11/2008 21:02

Hurrah, at last, another voice of reason (MoS waves at Mrs Pickles and sniggers at her comments regarding friends cousins dog etc) I had this a few weeks ago when I gave perfectly sensible (in my opinion!) legal advice but then got a comment that someone knew all about this type of thing as they watch Jeremy Kyle every day! Bugger, why did we spend years studying law and finding a training contract etc when we could have sat on our arses watching tv?
Like Mrs P says Nissa, try not to worry and good luck with your scan and the rest of your pregnancy.

glasgowstyle · 29/11/2008 21:04

Can't understand the reasons for the ex dp's wife wanting to be a medical appointment. The wife says the baby will be part of her family but don't believe this is why she wants to be a hospital appt. Surely she must know how the op must feel about her being there.

I would say no to the both of them .....

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2008 21:05

I am back - I am on call out, so cant not go due to mn...

Having been in a similar situation myself the last thing I would have wanted to read was what cargirl wrote - sorry about the name I read it wrong - and it would have freaked me out (so perhaps a tad sensitive)

rules about registering the birth

If you were to go to register the birth without the agreement the fathers name would be left blank.

TheSeriousOne · 29/11/2008 21:13

OMG. I haven't read all the posts, but I doubt I'm alone in saying you are under NO obligation to EVER let her near your baby.

Never, never, never, never, never.

And after the lying, I wouldn't let him see the baby unsupervised either.

Not in a million years.

Please take care of your self. You and your baby deserve it.

solidgoldbrass · 29/11/2008 22:31

When I registered my Ds' birth, I just said that the father was 'not around' and they left that bit of the form blank. Bear in mind that women do get pregnant by men who they do not know the last name/address of and the registrar cannot prove otherwise.
I would advise the OP very strongly to register the birth of her baby alone and, when asked, to say she is unmarried and not in touch with the father.
You don't owe this tosspot anything, OP. Any relationship between him and your baby should be negotiated from the position that you are putting the child's needs first, and the father can just suck it up. Quite frankly he needs to prove himself a decent father not just a sperm depositor, and until your baby is old enough to be taking notice, he/she doesn't need contact with a dubious dishonest nutter.