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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

219 replies

nissa · 29/11/2008 15:55

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

OP posts:
Original poster
nissa · 01/12/2008 15:50

pingpong - No I didn't know at all. He works up here but lived away. So he spent 4 or 5 nights here with me then went back to her.

OP posts:
elkiedee · 01/12/2008 15:54

Haven't read most of responses but what?????? Why would she want to be at scan? I'd say no to either of them being there, but try to find someone to support you at scans.

blackrock · 01/12/2008 16:07

Am sorry the hear about your situation.

Take care of yourself, as agree about being careful on the custody front.

Could you take your mum, or a close friend?

You need to find a reliable and trusted person to support you emotionally. If his life/marriage is in turmoil and he is indecisive, perhaps he is not the best choice.

I don't think his wife needs to be at the scan. He, I suppose should be, but you need A N other to support you as he cannot be trusted, if he has already led you to believe he was single.

anniemac · 01/12/2008 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittleOneMum · 01/12/2008 16:16

Nissa,

I just wanted to add that you sound like a really fantastic and caring person. Good luck, whatever you decide (my twopenny's worth is that this lady should certainly not be at your scan. it's too personal/potentially upsetting - but entirely up to you!).

xx

anniemac · 01/12/2008 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nissa · 09/12/2008 15:29

UPDATE:

Just thought I would update you all on this. I changed the scan to today instead of tomorrow and all was fine. I went by myself in the end and was very happy and relaxed that way.

Thanks for everyone's help.

And incase you're interested : I'm having a boy!

OP posts:
zenandtheartofbaking · 09/12/2008 15:33

Good luck.

ScottishMummy · 09/12/2008 15:46

congratulations a wee boy! are you keeping well?how exciting your 1st scan.makes it real eh

NowICanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 09/12/2008 15:51

Oh wow, congratulations! Little BOYS are SO cute! I know this may seem like an odd thing to say, but my son is so gorgeous, it amazes me everyday that he is my x's son iykwim! They in no way EVER remind me of eachother!

OhGetOverMyself · 09/12/2008 15:51

I was in the position of being the oW who had had a baby with the married man.

When he told his wife she went pretty mad, of course, but this extended into ringing me at night to make threats about taking the baby from me, as it was conceived during their marriage and therefore belonged to her.

It was horribly upsetting but actually she never really met my child, the marriage failed within a few months and he moved on so we have nothing to do with them.

OhGetOverMyself · 09/12/2008 15:54

fwiw it sounds as though she is trying to assert her position in every aspect of the affair including you, the baby etc. which is a knee jerk reaction on her part - tis early days - but he sounds as though he is a total emotional coward who is just being told what to do by her and treating you like nothing. I would want nothing to do with him, seriously, but only you can judge for yourself, hope you will both be ok xx

oldkingcolewasaMOS · 09/12/2008 16:22

yay, congratulations Nissa, of course we are all interested. I'm having a boy too! When are you due?
Did you tell your ex you'd changed your scan date? Hope you don't get a hard time x

VinegarSantaGropedMyTits · 09/12/2008 16:25

Congratulations on your little boy Nissa

Hope it all works out for you. Do you have people there to support you through your pg?

Kitteh · 09/12/2008 16:28

congrats!!! glad everything worked out for you..!! x

Lotster · 09/12/2008 16:32

Congrats Nissa

Original poster
nissa · 09/12/2008 16:38

I never told him I'd changed the date. I haven't heard from him since I said I didn't want either of them there. I have a feeling they may just turn up but they'll be waiting a long time!

It's done noe so I just hope they let me get on with it and I'll see him once the baby is here to discuss any contact etc.... Until then, I'm happy to left alone!

I'm due in April and keeping much better now (apart from a nasty cold)Very excited now as I have a daughter already and she was desperate for a brother!

OP posts:
BouncingTinsel · 09/12/2008 16:43

Congratulations, Nissa, hope it all goes well for you

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 16:56

Congratulations-pleased you sound so happy and positive.

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