Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

[nissa]

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

callgirl you really are very very unpleasant on this thread - could you please please butt out and go away.

This poster has come on here for support either write sensible supporting posts for someone who is in this position. Otherwise people are going to think you are in league with the op ex and his wife and here to slowly stir the thread up and wind the poor girl up [anrgy]

Please nissa don't take any notice of this callgirl and her posts.

callgirl is only pointing out that the father will get access whats so wrong about that?? Or people on this thread have something personal against callgirl, and are using this thread to get at her?

ivykaty, the poster is cargirl lol

or was that a freudian slip?

Agree with previous posters. It's a hideous idea.

She doesn't trust him to be alone with you and she also wants to make you be an audience to their contrived show of unity.

How revolting to have to stomach that nauseaus performance on the day of your scan.

I hope it all goes well. It's so amazing when you see the fingers wiggling! I agree with the post that suggested that just IF, if, there is some bad news, you won't want them there, knowing she is secretly glad.

bloody hell pmsl

cargirl, will you please repost, but something silly please

ROFL @ 'callgirl'

not silly

< sheesh > this is catching

nissa - just say no. This man's wife has absolutely no moral or legal or whatever other hold over you and your child-to-be.

She is to be pitied (though not by you), but not indulged.

Can't you go to your scan alone?

Vitriol against cargirl is unwarranted here

I wouldn't have either there. In fact I would change the date and not tell them the new appointment.

Ps, as for the issue of Parental Responsibility, as he is merely the 'natural' father, not married to Nissa, he would only have automatic parental rights to the baby IF Nissa chooses to name him on the birth cert.

If she doesn't name him, then he'll have to go to court. And can you see his wife encouraging him to go down that avenue?!?!

I wouldn't worry Nissa! So long as you don't name him on birth cert, you hold all the cards.

There's nothing to prevent him being a Daddy to the baby though. But you don't want to allow a situation where She (by proxy) has rights over your child. eg, the right to pick up child from school, see reports, give consent to hospital treatment etc.

WTF??? No YANB bloody unreasonable!!! The wife has no right to be there!!!
Golly, what kind of a twat would suggest such a thing????
(Must just say that I have not read the entire thread which I may regret if I get flamed for this opinion or if anything has changed since the OP...)

podrick, there is no vitriol

it was merely being brought to cargirls attention that her input was inappropriate and likely to scare the Op un-necessarily

IvyKaty44 clearly believes that you can tell someone to f off and they will just disappear. If only real life were like that.............

cargirl, you have every right to post on this or any thread of course

The OP can not name the father without him being there as they are not married.

If the OP truly is worried they might fight for custody it is even more important the wife is not there as it could be seen as she has been involved and caring from the start.

I see what cargirl is saying about access, possibly my comments were also premature; urging Nissa not to name him on the birth cert, but actually, not naming him would sidestep these issues.

IF, he has the balls to take this to court, which I so doubt, a judge may consider that Nissa is only single because her 'partner' turned out to be a married cad and a bounder. And anyway, being unmarried no longer implies anything in particular.

I have had issues with children's father who is super conscious of his rights, but conveniently deaf and blind to his obligations or responsibilities. Hence my advice to Nissa not to name Mr Bounder on the BC.

I must say that I am curious as to where you have gained your legal knowledge cargirl? You keep stating that the father (and his wife) WILL get access and continually make various comments regarding access. To a layperson, you make it sound like you have legal qualifications/knowledge. This is misleading as if you did have legal qualifications in the area of family law, you would be fully aware that there is no such thing as access, it is called contact and has been called contact since the Children Act 1989 came in.
Clearly the OP is in a very distressing situation and could probably do without implied comments that the father of her child and his wife will get Contact with the baby when he/she is born.

Nissa, the NewsMongers--- is quite right with regards to parental responsibility. If you DO NOT name him as the father on the birth certificate he will not automatically have PR although he could of course make an application to the Courts for this, together with a defined Contact Order. If however he is named on the certificate, he will automatically have PR which is basically defined as a bundle of rights and duties to include the right to be involved in any decision making with regards to the childs education, religion, health treatment etc. Please therefore think carefully before making such an important decision.

Thenewme, of course.

How does it work in UK, do they still have father 'unknown' or 'not named'??

The birth certificate just leaves information about the father blank. If you are unmarried and turn up to register your baby alone, the registrar doesn't mention the father unless you ask specifically about issues to do with registering the father at a later date.

Mumoverseas!

What is the story these days with having 'unknown' on the birth cert? I can understand why mothers don't want that.

But imo, it's the lesser of two evils. A bit embarrassing perhaps, but just hold your head up and get on with it. Far less bad than allowing a wanker to have control over your child's life, JUST so that the space marked father on a piece of paper that hardly anybody will ever see doesn't have the word 'unknown' on it.

After all I've been through I wish mychildren's birth certs said father unknown on them. I really do.

Oh that's ok Anna888*, I didn't know that! That's not so bad. I was imagining that it would still say 'unknown' like in a maeve binchy novel set in the 1950s or something!!

I repeat - birth certificates do not say that the father is "unknown". There is just a dash [ - ] where the father's name would have been.

And absolutely nothing prevents you returning to the registry office at a later date with the father and redoing the birth certificate with his name on. The decision to add the father's name is reversible in perpetuity.

But you cannot remove a name.

x-posts

And the registrars IME are awfully nice to single mothers with no father around .