Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

[nissa]

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

No I don't have any legal qualification but have supported some friends through some bizarre residency/access situations!

I'm not saying he will get access but the courts look purely what is in the best interests of the child, so the fact the ex was a complete shit to her doesn't matter. But the more the non-resident parent has to offer in terms of supportive step-mum & sibing the more it appears on paper that access will be a positive thing for the child.

The whole access residency thing seems to be completely unpredictable - just talk to people who've been through it on either side there seems no rhyme or reason to what people actually get awarded.

I just don't want the op to think she can offer him access on her terms and he just has to accept it, he can choose to go to court and ask for "decent access".

I think the request for the ex & his wife to come along is very strange......are they having romantic visions of a perfect solution to not having had another child of their own yet, a baby that will be part of their family every weekend or something and it all being hunky dory. Or she could be a control freak who is never going to let her dh out of her sight again???

I wouldn't be rushing to ever see him or put him on the birth certificate either.

yes it is contact & residency versus the old custody & access, couldn't remember the correct way around (and I haven't even had a glass of wine!!!!!)

I am gobsmacked at the very idea of her popping up at your scan. I mean, is she also intending to come along when you have an internal exam with the midwife? And, of course, to be present at the birth?
Run for the hills, Nissa!

Message withdrawn

cargirl, you are right, the whole contact(access) and residence (formerly custody) is very unpredictable, mainly because every case tends to be different.
Of course, the Courts paramount concern is the welfare of the child(ren) and yes, in an ideal world, the child will have contact with both parents but this doesn't mean to say that in the OP's situation, the biological father and his wife will automatically get unsupervised contact.
The ball is in the OP's court with regards to what contact she chooses to offer and yes, if the father is not happy he will be able to make an application to the Court but it is likely that any contact in the first instance would be supervised and his wife, as not a party to the proceedings, would not be present.
I imagine the OP is very worried about some of the suggestions on here with regards to the father and his wife trying to basically make a claim on her unborn baby and therefore I am only seeking to try to reassure her that it is not an automatic process in the hope that she does not become too worried, which will not be good for her or her unborn baby.

I would allow it

It will ruin what will hopefully be a special moment for you

Lets hope she just didnt want her dh to go but didnt want to admit it so just wanted to force you to say 'no'

Good luck with the pregnancy

Ohhhh I wish to apologise to CARgirl for calling her callgirl

Jesus NO. This is to check if everything is well. A special wonderful moment for you to see your baby.

This sounds really fishy. I would lay v low and try a bit of distance until things settle.

I feel for you. You should be relaxing at this time

If this happens, mothers may no longer have a choice about naming the father - does anyone know if it is actually being implemented?

I would go and get some legal advice, you could start at the CAB.
It sounds very weird, the scan is for medical purposes, it is not an occasion for the man's wife-I also can't see any point in him being there if he isn't leaving her.

So somewhere there is possibly a woman saying "my husband had an affair and got this woman pregnant, and next week we're all going to the hospital for her scan."
Is this woman likley to have any friends?????
She is bonkers!

YANBU

Don't let either of them come to your scan, there are planty of other ways to be involved.

YANBU

You poor woman what a horrid situation - I personally would go on your own as it will be your special moment for the rest of your life and can you even rely on him to be their forever for the baby.

I think it's great you want him involved but it's your pregnancy and your body, he can be involved when babies arrived.

WTF does the wife want to come to a scan for?? It makes no sense, yes she should get to know you as you're always going to be involved with each other cos of kids but she had no right to demand she is there for your scan

Ooh I'm getting really wound up on your behalf

Hope all goes well for you

No, YANBU at all - how bizarre that she would want to be there anyway

YANBU, she is invading your privacy, and I'm sure is unlikely to reciprocate in this merging of families by inviting you round for Sunday lunch every week.

Next she'll be wanting to cut the cord...

Good luck

Rustybear, that link is frightening. It makes no allowance for the 'human angle'.

Just facts. Biology. WHO?

It is ridiculous and thank goodness I imagine it would be impossible to enforce. Women who don't name the father don't name him for a reason.

If a woman is determined not to name him, what are they going to do ? Dna test every single man she ever met???

Crazy crazy plan thought up my crusty old politicians married to perfect wives of 2.4 children who can't imagine family life that isn't the waltons.

the wife sounds scary bulging eyed scheming up to no good.she needs to have words with errant dh about his shagging behaviour.she has no business with you or your baby

you are pg you need to maintain good health. dont get het up too much

That proposal is completely unenforceable. Though I suppose the next step will be cutting benefits for those who refuse to name the father

And lololol (in a bittersweet way) at the idea it will somehow make it easier to colllect maintainance - they can't collect ours despite me sending photos of ex, and his full address, phone number, and place of work!

And they'd really like a complete DNA database to make it work.........!

What happens though if the father of your child is an alien, so to speak or just British wanker/bully/loser/druggie/drunk

Grimupnorht, that must be exasperating. Only on the lone parenst board yesterday, somebody was saying "why don't you just get money from him then, instead of whining that you're poor and he's rich???".

People think it's easy and straightforward.

The wife sounds sick. There is no way on God's earth that I would want to be there if I were in her position. YANBU. Not at all.

Just read entire thread and agree with anyone who suggested you should take your mum/sis/a friend instead and send him a photo.

And BTW - read my post and was slightly horrified at my phrasing - I mean they are being twats!!!...

Just read entire thread and agree with anyone who suggested you should take your mum/sis/a friend instead and send him a photo.

And BTW - read my post and was slightly horrified at my phrasing - I mean they are being twats!!!...

No, no no and erm no.

She is bonkers and up to something.

Am clearly incompetent at posting this morning... anyway, hugs to you and good luck!!!

Yes that link is scary. Lovely to know that Families Need Fathers want to force women who have been raped to give their rapist parental rights to a child conceived during the crime

Just what every family needs - a sex offender calling the shots. Seriously are there any fathers' groups that aren't just fronts for misogynistic throwbacks?

I agree with everyone else - don't let either of them come. This is a medical procedure and this man has no right to be there and the fact that he is giving you shit over your choice not to allow him to bring friends along just shows that he cannot be trusted to be at such a sensitive and important occasion.