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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

219 replies

nissa · 29/11/2008 15:55

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

OP posts:
wingandprayer · 29/11/2008 16:52

That adoption thing concerns me but I think it is a good idea to keep them on side - exp will be part of your childs life but you are right to start defining boundaries now. With that in mind can you say ex can come to scan but you meet with exp straight after on neutral territory to show her scan and start to discuss about plans for when ex gets involved for rest of pregnancy, how they will support you financially etc. Keep notes after meetings too so you know what was agreed.

stroppyknickers · 29/11/2008 16:53

CarGirl - surely the baby won't be going for access visits without its mum? I wouldn't even entertain the idea of anything more than treating him like any other visitor - sit down, have a hold, thanks for the present, see ya. And yes, I do have experience of step - parenting etc and think run! run like the wind, op!

dougal3 · 29/11/2008 16:55

Could you 'phone the hospital and talk to someone about the possibility of his wife showing up with him? The very last thing they'd want, I'm sure, is some sort of big scene in the ultrasound department (though it strikes me you're not the type to do that).
Then somebody (else) could intervene and make sure it's just you and your choice in the room?

wingandprayer · 29/11/2008 16:56

sorry I said the above not because I think he deserves any rights but maybe better to deal with issues now while you feeling up to it rather than having fights in late pregnancy or worse yet labour ward.

muckypups · 29/11/2008 17:00

Id feel very un easy about the wife wanting to be invloved when its not even born yet.

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2008 17:02

I can not think of anything quite as insensative as what this couple are asking.

Please tell them to get real and have a little more decoram - fgs

As for him working out his marriage - that is up to him I think there is some game playing here with the wife. Stay clear for a while and sort yourself out and keep quite about appointments.

take care of you and make sure you surrond yourself with rl friends that will look out for you aswell.

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2008 17:04

take a friend with you if you can to the appointment - a good friend that will sort out any stray wives turning up where they are not wanted.

if in need I will come and sort out any stray wives for you - just shout

TheCrackFox · 29/11/2008 17:07

Having a scan isn't a nice day out but a medical procedure. I wouldn't want either of them there TBH. Scans have only been going for about 25 years and men used to be able to bond with their babies before scans were invented.

Second the other poster about the breastfeeding thing. Try to keep it going as long as possible. The whole adoption thing puts me on edge. Would they be allowed to adopt with all this going on? Can't imagine it somehow.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 29/11/2008 17:07

This sounds so dodgy. They want to adopt... you get pregnant and then she gets in contact at the point when you're in the second trimester and all is well... she wants to involve herself in your pregnancy. Ummmm..... alarm bells are ringing....

CarGirl · 29/11/2008 17:09

If the father goes for access I would expect it to be granted because that is what is in the best interests of the child. And yes access could be given without the Mum being involved........the courts aren't interested in the fact he was cheating on his wife when the child was conceived their concern is what is in the best interests of the child-a bio Dad and step mum both wanting to have as much access as possible to his child, versus a single Mum......

Blu · 29/11/2008 17:10

Flibbertyjibet is right - a scan is part of the medical ante-natal service, a medical procedure to check for anomalies, not a family bonding opportunity (though people seem to more often view it a such). Tell him you will attend the scan with a friend and report back to him straight away, but as with all your physial care, this is not his place. His role is to have a relationship with / support the child once born - not you during that process.

I can't realistically see how they could adopt the babyunles you pro-actively wanted them to...prbably more that she doesn't trust him alone with you.

Just be clear in your mond what his role is and where it begins and ends. it is as father to the born child, not your partner.

Blu · 29/11/2008 17:13

It isn't the 1930s - no court would take a baby from a competent single mother who wanted her child, and give it to the father, on grounds that she is single !

treedelivery · 29/11/2008 17:16

Dear God no no no no.

She might not believe him or you, that you are pregnant, and wants proof.

They might have custody in mind.

They might be trying to do some scary manipulating and getting you into a vulnerable corner.

Scan with a friend or a family member and send him a picture. Yes it is his baby but that doesn't give him free access to YOUR body and life experiences. You aren't gaurenteed a wonderful baby meeting experience sadly things do go wrong and do you want him around in this even?

He can't have it every way he like's - and her being there is just bonkers or sinister.

CarGirl · 29/11/2008 17:17

I never said take, I'm saying there is no reason why he will not be granted unsupervised access at his home without the op there!!!!

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2008 17:19

fgs callgirl go away please

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2008 17:21

nissa - there would be no reason at all for a judge to make you stop breast feeding so that the father can have access without you there.

Podrick · 29/11/2008 17:26

The wife doesn't trust her husband, that is why she wants to come along. Don't let her fgs. Being part of the family is clearly a cover story. After all she has not sent you an album of photos of her children and their scan photos and is not inviting you to their parents evenings.

I wonder if some part of you is hoping that when the husband sees the scan he will choose you over his wife? I think you should try to be honest with yourself as to whether this is true before you make a decision.

GrimmaTheNome · 29/11/2008 17:27

It can be hard enough for a father to get access to a child when his wife walks out on him even if they are married and he's been a good father for years. I REALLY don't think a court will get between a mother and a newborn in any way.

Nissa, the scan is a medical procedure. You absolutely do not have to have anyone there you don't want. This woman wanting to be there is frankly weird. It is best if you can stay on civilized terms with them, but you do need to assert your own rights.

NCbirdy · 29/11/2008 17:29

For my tu-penny worth, I think that, if you are allowing him to be part of the babies life then the decision about him being there is entirley up to you and can be argued either way.

As for HER, it is weird and I personally would not have it...but everyone has been so quick to come up with the doom and gloom, how do you know that she is not just doing her best to be supportive of her husband? Perhaps she is just feeling that, if she has to accept this child, then it may be easier to accept it if she is involved right from the start, if she can share her husbands excitment at the first scan and hold his hand through that scary bit before the sonographer tells you all looks good..?

At the end of the day he has messed up but she didn't ask for any of this, she didn't create this and she may just be trying to make the best of a terrible situation (from her POV).

All that said - I still wouldn't have her there!

KatieDD · 29/11/2008 17:30

Jesus this is a bit strange, I'd be too busy packing my husbands suitcase in her shoes to be worried about a scan.
She absolutely shouldn't be there and even if you don't plan to exculsively breast feed I would say you are so he only gets a few hours with the baby for the first 6 months, which can be supervised if you want.
Oh and remind him maintance is due from day one, 10% of his net salary.

CarGirl · 29/11/2008 17:32

IvyKaty that is why I suggested that she bf, because if she ff the baby she has no reason to limit access. I am trying to help.

I do know of a woman whose access did get access from birth against her wishes and as soon as the baby was a year old then the the father was awarded overnights as well because they no longer accepted that the baby needed bf & had to be with her.

CarGirl · 29/11/2008 17:33

Remember in this country in prison newborn babies are taken away from their Mums, that is what sort or regard the courts have for a mum's rights to bf her child.

thenewme · 29/11/2008 17:37

I wouldn't agree to her being there and her reason sounds worrying to say the least.

He does have a right to be at the scan but only if YOU want him there.

If they both turn up, tell the sonographer you do not want her in the room and usually it is only the father or an accompanying friend anyway.

CarGril - you really are not helping.

treedelivery · 29/11/2008 17:41

Just change the date of the scan - if you are thinking again after saying yes to him.

anyfucker · 29/11/2008 17:51

cargirl, you sound slightly hysterical and you are not helping

I agree with previous posters

this lunatic idea is seven shades of wrong

assert your boundaries now

something is not right and you don't want to get dragged into it

look after yourself and your baby

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