Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

219 replies

nissa · 29/11/2008 15:55

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 29/11/2008 22:43

Frankly I am quite shocked at the amount of negative posts directed towards the wife here. Because she is actually an innocent victim in all of this. Her husband has had an affair and got another woman pregnant. The affair would be enough to do it for me, but tbh I don?t know many wives who would consider welcoming the ow?s baby into their home after the affair. And let?s not forget that there are also other children involved here, children who will form a relationship with their sibling if this man does pursue contact, so imo although most definitely out of the ordinary, it does seem as if the wife is trying to do the right thing by wanting to be a part of the baby?s life.

I know that access isn?t something that people feel it?s appropriate to be mentioned on this thread (although I think cargirl was very harshly and unnecessarily jumped on), but the fact of the matter is that if this man wants contact with his child, and if he is prepared to go to court to get pr (if op does not name him on the birth certificate), he will very likely be granted both pr and unsupervised contact with his child. And if/when this happens the wife will become a part of this child?s life whether the op wants that or not.

I wouldn?t want the wife at the scan either. But let?s not forget that it is the wife who is the wronged party here and the op who is the other woman.

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 29/11/2008 22:47

I agree with solid. JUST to repeat... you can add a father's name if in time he proves himself worthy of the honour, and you know you can trust him not to abuse the rights that come with being named, but you can NEVER remove the name.

Nissa was the wronged party too, as she didn't know he had a wife. It's unfair of the wife to expect to be able to go to the scan, jsut so that she can check up on her husband.

I think the time to leave your husband would be when he's actually impregnated somebody else. JUST my 2 cents. You can't really stick your head in the sound after that. That was the final straw for Jerry Hall!

morocco · 29/11/2008 22:59

totally baffled by negative comments towards cargirl on here - is this from another thread or something?

yanbu nissa. it is a weird thing for her/him to ask in the first place

wannaBe · 29/11/2008 23:00

I agree but she wouldn't be the first woman to stay with a man who got another woman pregnant. In fact i've seen posts on mn from women whose dh's/partners have had affairs where there have either been resulting pregnancies or where the ow has claimed to be pregnant, and the wife has said that she of course would welcome a baby into their lives as the baby hadn't asked to be born.

Also from the wife's perspective she probably has no idea that the op didn't know he was married. So as far as she is concerned she is the only wronged party in all of this.

if the postings were the other way around and a mn'er was posting that her h had had an affair and got another woman pregnant and was going to have contact with the baby and she wanted her children and this baby to have a relationship, she would be being applauded for her attitude towards this child. And she would be being told not to believe the ow when she said that she had no idea he was married...

Fwiw I wouldn't want the wife at the scan either, but while I think it's a strange request, I can sort of see why she might want to be there, considering having a fiirst baby together is quite an intense thing, especially as op and the father can't long have broken up. Maybe she wants to ensure that the feelings have gone on his part, before actively welcoming this child (and therefore also the mother and the ow) into her's and her child's life. After all the other child is a victim in all of this too, and her mother has the right to look out for her in the same way as the op has the right to look out for her own child.

anyfucker · 29/11/2008 23:17

I understand what you are saying there wannabe

but is the right time to do this before the baby is even born ?

a scan is a medical procedure and nothing is yet guaranteed in this pregnancy (sorry OP!- congrats btw)

intense is the right word here

far too soon for all this thinking of other children, thinking of others relationships

a pregnant woman, if her partner cannot be by her side for the right reasons, should be not put under any of this shit

spurtybertie · 29/11/2008 23:20

It's just all too weird. I don't thnk that the wife wants to be at the scan or any positive reasons - ok so that's just an opinion - but I just can;t see it....

Also, this guys sounds like a completely spineless waste of space. God help his existing kids!

Original poster
nissa · 29/11/2008 23:24

wannabe - I see your point here and have stated several times that I feel for his wife. She knows and has accepted that I did not know. She could tell this when she rang on my birthday after she had discovered his affair. I understood her anger and have never said anything bad back because I felt she was simply venting it at the wrong person.

She is keen to hold onto her marriage / house / life and I respect her wishes to do so. If she truly wants to be a part of the babies life then I understand that too as it will be related to her daughter.

However, alot of what she has said to me makes me think differently about what is best for my baby. She is very bitter towards me because she must still see me as a threat even though I have assured her that I would never be interested in him again. I worry that she would not be able to stop these feelings being relayed to the child. She seems quite territorial at the moment and I'm concerned she would be willing to fight simply to hurt me.

It is inevitable that she will be in contact with the baby if he is but I must first make sure that the baby will not be exposed to anything unpleasant. Her trying to control this situation at this stage is a concern for me.

If I could do anything to make her feel better then I would. I know it seems a cliché to say that I did not know but I think she understands this to be true. Initially she banned all contact with me or the baby and I was willing to go along with this even though I feel he should take responsibilities for his child.

If I honestly feel that all the motives for contact are right then I will never object as I feel the baby should know it's father.

OP posts:
nooka · 29/11/2008 23:26

I think I would rearrange the scan to another day. I don't think it will help anyone for either the father or his wife to be there. I think it would be incredibly painful for everyone involved. Also scans are stressful experiences. They are there to check things are OK, and you need someone there who is focused on supporting you, for what will hopefully be a good experience, but may not be. If you want to take the easy option why not e-mail back and say the hospital will only allow one person to come in with you (probably true) and that you intend to take your mother. Apologise and say you will send them a copy of the scan picture.

I don't think it is fair to be thinking the wife is a loon. She is trying to recover from the fact that her husband betrayed her and her children, and to cope with the fact that there will be another person in their lives, whether she likes it or not. She may be a very nice person (despite the abusive phone call). There have been plenty of threads on MN recommending ringing up the OW and being abusive to her as a therapy method (not something I would recommend).

I also think that getting legal advice and ensuring that there are arrangements in place to manage this very difficult situation is an extremely good idea.

Nighbynight · 29/11/2008 23:29

I feel quite sorry for the wife, and can see where she is coming from, but in your situation I would not want her at the scan. There would be too many emotions flying around, and you need to concentrate on your baby.

But agree, that if she wants contact between the siblings, thats positive, and maybe in the future you could forge a good relationship with her?

spurtybertie · 29/11/2008 23:29

I have sympathy with the wife - it's the guy who is a complete loser - after all, it seems that he lied to you for 9 months as he didn't tell you he was married!

Not sure I'd want any child of mine haveing contact with a liar and a loser.

Nighbynight · 29/11/2008 23:29

oh, and I wouldnt have him there either, but that is just my opinion!

prettybutterfly · 29/11/2008 23:41

I wouldn't have either of them either. After the baby comes you can arrange all these very grown up relationships + the access etc, but you do not know what will happen at the scan. You need a mum or a mate, not this man, and not his wife!!

solidgoldbrass · 29/11/2008 23:58

The wife's feelings are not Nissa's problem. Nissa didn't knowingly do anything to her Xp's wife and therefore does not owe the woman anything (Nissa was lied to by the man who impregnated her - the wife may feel angry but has no right to take it out on Nissa).
The wife may well be trying to do the kind welcoming thing, and expressing that Nissa's baby will be a sibling to her own DC and treated as such, but that doesn't mean she has any rights over Nissa and Nissa's pregnancy. Time enough to build family relationships when the baby is born and nissa is ready to make friends.

ScottishMummy · 30/11/2008 00:02

the only people who need to be considering wife's feelings are wife and shagger husband

not nissa

lets consider a man so wanton he lies and deceives to get his leg over and maintain an affair

essentially both women have been deceived

usernamechanged345 · 30/11/2008 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MichaelaS · 30/11/2008 01:55

hmm, I say let the wife come to the scan.... as soon as she agrees you will be holding her hand at her next smear.

Honestly, why does she want to get so personal with someone her husband slept with?

Definite no.

nooka · 30/11/2008 05:45

I don't think Nissa owes the wife anything if she didn't even know he was married. I just object to some of the posts here saying unpleasant things about her.

I think Nissa should do as she wishes at least during the pregnancy. Issues about what access is best for her child should come once the child is born.

Spidermama · 30/11/2008 08:10

I haven't read the whole thread but I would want ALL interested parties to come and I think it's very big of this other woman to want to become involved.

It's a very difficult situation but surely peace and friendship between you all is a goal to be aimed at for the sake of everyone, and particularly all the children involved.

Spidermama · 30/11/2008 08:12

If my dh slept with someone and got her pregnant, I would certainly do my utmost to make my peace with him and the mother of my childrens half siblings.

I can't understand this bitterness and inability to let go of ego and see the bigger picture.

Claire236 · 30/11/2008 08:39

You wouldn't feel bitter if your dh got someone else pregnant Spidermama. Really?

Nissa I think you're dealing really well with a difficult situation. Have who you want with you at the scan. Good luck.

Spidermama · 30/11/2008 08:49

Of course I would feel bitter at first as well as furious, betrayed, incenced etc etc etc .... but I wouldn't want to hold on to those feelings forever. I'd make it my mission to forgive and move on so the wound can heal.

You can choose to keep these awful, painful feelings with you for the rest of your life or else, with hard work and courage, you can heal them, put them behind you and move on.

People make mistakes. Nothing is unforgivable otherwise what hope is there?

Spidermama · 30/11/2008 08:50

My DH had an affair btw. We've moved on, strengthened and grown since then.

nkf · 30/11/2008 09:04

They are going to be a nightmare. Everything points that way. Draw some boundaries now. Personally, I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate.

StealthPolarBear · 30/11/2008 09:05

why all the shouting at CarGirl? some people obviously have axes to grind! She was talking about access not residency - I suggest you read her posts before flaming her!
OP, it seems like you're being very reasonable about this, and the OW may be. Good luck!

mumoverseas · 30/11/2008 09:21

I agree StealthPP that some of the comments made ref/to cargirl were a bit unnecessary. I think the problem was, as someone quite rightly pointed out, she was scaremongering and frightening poor nissa about the possibility of her baby being taken by the arse of a father and his wife which is probably not too good for her health at a time when she needs no stress.
I apologise if I appeared a little harsh towards cargirl, it just it bugs me somewhat when people give opinions on matters where they are not really qualified to do so and that advice is wrong. Like MrsPickles said ALL contact/residence cases are different and you cannot simply compare like for like.
Hope you are ok this morning nissa