Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

[nissa]

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

That sounds very sensible. it was a very unusual suggestion that the wife might come to the scan, the sort of thing someone who is using a surrogate mother would want, a bit weird unless she was just worried the husband would be alone with you and things would happen but even so it was a completely unreasonable request.

Nissa, it's obvious from your posts that you're together, diplomatic and sensitive to the wife's situation, strong and intelligent. When you've had legal advice, I'm sure that you will handle what's ahead of you extremely well.

Sometimes you read threads and you know it's going to end in a bun fight!! You sound so calm and sensible.

My children's Dad only sees them once every 8 or 9 weeks. I won't go into the reasons, but they definitely have a face to the name Daddy, and because he only sees them fairly infrequently he can 'give' a bit more. He was never a great father. My children are happy seeing him about 6 times a year.

Can you call her directly and ask her why she wants to be there?

I think I remember you saying she had called you directly on your birthday.

If she refuses to talk to you, then you have your answer. You don't need anyone who can't be civil to you near you or your baby.

My gut reaction would still be to not let her within a mile of me.

I don't have a number for her or I would maybe consider calling her.

At this point the ex and I are texting and emailing so I'm not really sure if he is letting her read what I wrote or just rounding it up. Everything I have written to him I have assumed she is going to read. She found out about this by getting into his email account so I think she may still have access to that.

I think I will suggest that she call me again to discuss the scan if she wants to understand my reasoning behind not wanting her to be there. If she stays civil I am happy to talk to her. I feel like we were both wronged here so I'm not angry towards her, just concerned she might want my baby!

You really do need to talk to her.

Maybe suggest that you meet for coffee (without him) somewhere public but discreet to talk things through. You have every right to know what her intentions are.

Hmm. Quite honestly I don't understand why the OP needs to talk to the wife of the father of her baby at all. The wife of the father of her baby has absolutely no rights or responsibilities whatsoever towards either the OP or the unborn child.

Nissa I really dont think she wants your baby!
I am a "wronged W" - my H OW got pregnant and trust me no way did I want her baby - and we had been trying for years for a DC2 - but her baby was just a reminder of what had happened - I harbour this baby no ill will and will facilitate a relationship with my DD's but NO way would I want her as "mine" (I have since had a DD2 a "lucky accident" during an attempted reconciliation)....
I am not sure TBH that contacted her now is a good idea - you really dont need to justify your decision to either of them - you have sent an email I would leave it at that TBH - it will still be raw for her...it took me a year to come to terms with the OW baby and I have still never met her....
I think it would be different if H and I were living together but we arent and he has all DC at his flat!
I would give it time concentrate on you and your baby and let the W come to term in her own time...
I would put good money this is about trust and jealousy and who can blame her - I dont think she is a nutter probably just distraught and desperate
Look after yourself and let time help you all good luck!

I have not read all, but I would say neither at this first scan. He at first was not even sure he wanted to be part of it, happy to walk away if this is what his wife wanted. What if you get to rely on him and he changes his mind again?

For now, keep him at a distance, keep him posted, photos of scans etc, and let him now if things are going well.

As for his wife, nothing to do with you or your baby. Tell them not a chance, tough if he does not like it, you call the shots. End of story.

What a joker.

Anna - their DC are all half sibs - they will eventually need to talk - but I dont think now is the time - it is still raw for both of them and pregnancy hormones floating around will not help - there will be plenty of time later!

Maybe... in our family I never talk to DP's exW (have only met her once) and it is much better for everyone that way .

LOL Anna - I never talk to OW either if I am honest - we had a few conversations early on where she lied and manipulated and twisted everything ......
But now the little DD's (hers and mine) are getting older and my DD1 has met her DD (god complicated mess)...I do think it would be nice if one day we could all be civil - I doubt it though - if she was half as mature as Nissa sounds ...then maybe.......

Macdoodle - your situation sounds complicated and painful but very good for you for letting DD1 meet OW's DD. I know (sadly) other families where there is a child from an extra-marital affair where the children didn't know about one another/meet until it was too late for it to be anything other than hugely traumatic.

Nissa I think you have done the right thing. I wouldn't do anything more for now. I was the wronged woman, and there is no way I would have wanted to be reminded more than I possibly could be in those early days. It's all incredibly raw (I'm sure it's fairly raw to you too, although you sound incredibly together). Leave them be as much as possible for these first few months, enjoy your pregnancy and your baby, and then start to think about the way ahead. I hope very much that things will be amicable, that your ex-bf and his wife work out some sort of peace between them, and that the children involved get to have a relationship with each other that isn't too clouded by animosity.

Anna - I agree with your sentiment: My gut rection would be to have nothing to do with either of them. But Nissa does seem to be open to wanting a relationship with him / her, and I think if you are going to progress it, she's going to have to do it face to face.

FWIW, I NEVER speak to DH's Ex. She doesn't want to speak to me and that's just FINE with me . yes, our kids are half siblings and we facilitate their relationship when they are here. In fact, my DSDs have never refered to our DS as their half brother. ALways as their brother. Something I am exceptionally proud of them for, because i'm pretty sure they have to act like he doesn't exist around their mum...

Why are you pretty sure of that?? If you have never spoken to her, how do you know??
Just another example of how the exW is demonised
I am sure my H exOW thinks the worst of me and slags me off to all and sundry (this I know as fact) - in fact I am an extremely rational and sensible person, and though it hurts like hell, in MY house we are open and pleasant and talk about the OW baby as my DDs sister and I never say anything negative about her!

LOL my DSSs are far too deeply in love with DD not to talk about her in front of their mother and maternal grandmother (and all and sundry), even though I suspect their mother might prefer in her heart of hearts to hear slightly less about DD .

They have pictures of DD on their mobiles, as screensavers etc etc...

It's been really good to get some advice on here thanks.

I understand she must be hurting. As am I.

Thanks to those who think I am 'together' but I don't have much choice! I have a 7 dd who I home school so I guess I've had plenty to distract me!

I think I have made it clear to them about the scan. The best thing now is just to let the wounds heal a little and get on with being pregnant. We will have time to sort out contact etc after the baby is born. I guess I was worried I would seem unreasonable but I think this is the best way forward.

Distance and space is probably much needed for them also - it will give them a chance to work things through. And it is much needed for me or else this poor baby will be born needing prozac!

Glad I found this place for support and thanks again everyone.

Oh, we used to talk. When I say we never speak, I mean that in the present, not past, tense.

I went through a HUGE process of me meeting with her first and then us (me and her) meeting where she would bring and leave with the kids and then DH being involved and finally us having them.

We spent probably about 2 years going through that before DH and I had the kids on our own. We have done everything in our power to make things easier while she has done nothing but try to cause problems.

Dh and I have been together for 10 years now. My DSD1 asked to have her birthday party here for this year. Her mum firstly told her she wasn't allowed, then said she wanted to come (she is TOTALLY invited) then said she couldn't come because 'we' (DH and I) were going to be here. She has ishoos and LOTS of them.

FWIW, I NEVER slag my DH's Ex off in RL. A courtesy she doesn't afford me. She even took to phoning me from witheld numbers to give me silent phone calls in the days and weeks after my DS was born, knowing I was alone 24/7 with the baby (DH works away and she knows that). Only found out it was here when I started having the calls barred (that's how many she was making) and she used both her DD's mobiles to continue making calls after her mobile and landline had been banned.

I could go on, if you would like me to. I have something of an extensive back catalogue of her behaviour, but I should probably start a new thread becuase it's unfair to the OP to go on longer on this thread.

I doubt my DH's ex could even contemplate acknowledging my DS. She would cross the road rather than deal with the possibility of ever having to acknowledge his existance. And while I appreciate there are reasons for that, it has to be said, that she has been separated for well over a decade now and DH and I have been together for 9 years.

ANna - Sadly, though my DSDs both adore their brother and are really brilliant with him, they know they are for the high jump if they tick their mother off.

She would have their guts for garters if they mentioned him.

As soon as she's not about, they are rushing to show him to their friends etc.,

Nissa I haven't read the whole thread, but I agree with those mn'ers who have said only take the person you want there, if she turns up tell her to take a hike. You don't need this kind of stress. You should take someone with you, then they can pay for the pics while you're having a wee, (why are the toilets so far away from the scan room)

Nissa, you're doing great. Just remember that you do not owe your XP's wife anything - while she may have been wronged and be suffering, you didn't act with malice towards her and therefore she can either treat you civilly or fuck off.
DOn't call her or arrange to meet her- why give her an opportunity to harass you? There will be plenty of time to sort out access/the relationship between your baby and his/her half-siblings once your baby has arrived safely.

nissa im so sorry you have been through such abad time with ur exp. hes a lying git and i woulnt trust him. his wife is a different matter, she too has been deceived by this horrible man, and it is nice that she wants both your dc to know each other. id be tempted to let her and her dc see your baby (with you there),and leave the git out of the picture,chances are they(x and wife) will split up anyway because hes such a sod.why should you and the wife not get on? its not like you knew about her,id draw the line at the scan picture ,its just too personal,good luck with the pregnancy!

Nissa -just wanted to add my admiration for the maturity and good sense you're displaying.

There are a lot of people attributing motives to your ex's wife here (including me, I admit) but she must be going through hell too (a different kind to yours, of course). At the end of the day, I wonder if she's just curious about you and trying to make some sense of her husband's behaviour. Maybe she's suggested it for that reason alone - covered up by saying all the stuff about the baby being part of the family etc - and he's so desperate to keep her he's agreeing to anything she says at the moment.

Not that this means she has any right to be at your scan, of course. Stick to your guns. have your pregnancy and your baby on your terms alone.

Did you know he had a wife?

YANBU I wouldn't want her there or him for that matter.