Not to want ex's wife at my ultrasound scan?

[nissa]

Bit of background is probably needed here...

Dating this guy for 9 months. fell pregnant then at 15 weeks found out he was married when his wife rang me.....

He at first said his wife had agreed to work on the marriage if he never saw me or the baby which suited me fine. Then I get an email saying he has to stand up to his responsibilities. I told him I would never deny access to the baby as that's what's fair.

he asked me when the scan is and I told him, he said he would love to go and I agree. 2 days later he text me saying that his wife wants to come as this baby will be a brother/sister to her daughter and will be a part of her family.

AIBU to have said no?

I think it will be too awkward and when she found out she was very abusive to me. (which I kind of understand...) I don't want this ruining a special moment. I told him he is welcome alone or not at all and he is now saying I'm being unfair and promised to allow him to be a part of the babies life.

The father of said baby and his wife sound so troubled, relationship wise, that I think the OP ought to keep them out of her life. It is surely bound to end in tears.

I do understand what the wife is trying to do here, and I think it's probably quite benign and even positive on one level, but I can see a situation whereby the OP and baby get sucked into someone else's marriage problems to the detriment of their own happiness.

Life is too short for this, women are perfectly capable of bringing up healthy, happy children on their own, and if she does so, OP is even leaving the door open to other nicer men to come into her life, if she wants them to at a later date. Taking on this kind of baggage is likely to inhibit that possibility.

Just a thought, anyway. Children may need fathers but they don't need fights.

I've just read her first few posts and she is talking about access and access only and IMO she makes that quite clear. The comment about the prisons is over the top I agree but she uses it to illustrate how bf friendly the courts tend to be - not to imply that the OP will have her baby taken away which is quite frankly ridiculous and if anyone thinks that is what she is implying then they are over reacting for some reason.
Fine that her facts aren't correct - I have no knowledge in this area, but I don't see any scaremongering really. Do men not tend to get unsupervised access to babies then? When does unsupervised access start?

Good point BoffinMum, but as someone else has pointed out it would be a pity to prevent the child at least having a relationship with siblings? It's a difficult one ...

I did think about that, Stealth, but they are unlikely to be very happy, balanced children if all this is going on at home, and I might be inclined to be more choosy about my children's relationships if I was in this position.

I do think it is possible to build a really positive 'family of choice' in such a situation from friends, neighbours and the extended maternal family, and I feel more and more strongly as I type this that it would be better for the baby on many levels than hanging out with a dysfunctional family that has been living a lie.

This was not a dodgy one night stand in a moment of madness (we are all human and such things can happen) - he strung her along until she was 15 weeks pregnant.

OP can do a lot better than this for herself and her baby.

At the moment, there isn't a born child to be affected though. All that - what is best for teh child - is in the future. If the ex feels he can't do what's right for a child he created without his wife beign at the scan, then he has some problems. What is right for a child isn't necessarily what a biological parent wants to have right now. He should grow up.

Normally I am all for contact with fathers, however difficult it is for the mother, but I think this is a bit different and I agree with BoffinMum that it is better to steer clear of such a dysfuctional family. I think the wife is seriously weird, it isn't even as if she is geographically near the OP for the scan.

Yes, I am normally very pro father too, but this situation sounds very dodgy. It would be incredibly stressful for Nissa on the day as well, apart from anything else.

Another thought - Nissa, what do your own parents think about this? Might it be better to take them along to the scan and involve them in this? Would they be able to give good emotional support?

You're not being unreasonable!

1. Don't tell him when the scan is.
2. Don't tell him when you go into labour.
3. Don't put his name on the birth certificate.

None of those are necessary for him to have a relationship with his child.

SPidermama: yes it's a good thing for people to be accepting and make friends etc, but it can't be forced and at the moment (whatevertheir intentions) Nissa#s XP and his wife are rather forcing themselves on her and causing her distress, so she is perfectly entitled to tell them to fuck off out of it for the time being.

I have no informed opinions to add but for what it's worth...... no matter what the ethics of the situation are, this is your body and your baby. There is no way in the world that you should feel obliged to have anybody present at such a personal moment, even in more reasonable circumstances. For example, often grandparents demand to be present and get very affronted when told they can't be!

What worries me most is that he is saying you are being unreasonable. Obviously he is a git but even he must realise that he has treated you incredibly badly and is now asking an awful lot of you (even if it is what he wants). His (and certainly his wife)presence can be in no way in the interests of your child and that is your (and should be his) only concern. He sounds very controlling and manipulative and you have to think how this will play out if you give into his selfish demands now.

I agree with the majority of posts on here. It is up to him to earn your respect and trust -then you can allow him resonable contact with your baby, not start throwing his weight around and shouting about what's fair.

STP - my dd's father had unsupervised access to his dd when she was 4 weeks old, he would babysit at my home and bring his g/f with him.

Before 4 weeks it was actually him that would not have unsupervised access due to his uncertainty about handling the baby, although he had a 6 year old dd and had been hands on with her from birth (so wasn't his first baby and wasn't new to him)

I had terrible nightmares when pg and this did bother me. The dreams were very very vivid, probably due to the situation being extremly stressful and the fact that my hormones were all over the place.

I was lucky as rl friends were very helpful and supportive and gave me a lot of love and reasurance.

Every case is different, I was told though no action for access could be sought until the baby was actually born - before the baby was born there is no person to actually write on paper and take to court for access to be given to - as the person has no name and is not alive. Whether this is still the case in law I don't know? Things may have changed since then?

No that sounds right, after all in law life begins at birth, doesn't it?
I have to say I'd hate letting someone else - anyone- look after my baby alone before about 4 or 5 months. I didn't even really like leaving him with DH but knew I was being stupid, and he was very involved.

I have had a thought about this.

The op said that when she discovered ex was married she was 15 weeks pregnant. So from the wife finding out her husband has been having an affair to the op's scan it is only a matter of weeks. Imo it's entirely possible that the reason the wife wants to go to the scan is to check whether the op is actually pregnant. It's not uncommon for the ow to claim to be pregnant; maybe the wife believed the op to start with but who knows what the husband has told her in the meantime? Maybe he's told her that op knew he was married? That she got pregnant in order to try to force him to leave his wife?

I think if I found out my dh was having an affair and it turned out the ow was pregnant, I'd want to make sure that she actually was before handing over a part of my family's monthly income to child support. And what better way to find out than to insist on going to the scan.

Very odd, wouldn't have either there in a million years.

She can look at a copy of the scan picture anyway, they have a name and date on don't they?

If I were the wife I'd be wanting a DNA test shortly after birth (or even during pregnancy which is now technically possible) in case some liar were going to be reducing my family's income over the next 20 years with maintenance claims but that doesn't give her the right to be present at the scan.

She probably doesn't like the idea of her husband being alone with a lover of course. May be the father could bring some other neutral family member like a half sibling rather than the mother or a good male friend as a chaperone.

Children belong to both parents and there's no assumption mothers rather than fathers will get contact but if I were the mother I would be protecting my positoin by trying to esnure I was the main carer, that I breastfed etc and there were no immediate staying contact of the baby with the father until it is weaned. If you bottle feed then it's much harder to resist those over night staying contact orders particularly as this man wil lbe good and experienced with children and will his wife whereas the new mother may not have had a child before so arguably the father will be better htan the mother so let's not be sexist about it!

Just seen this thread - I would agree with Soupdragon's suggestions; it would be best to cover yourself in this situation. Better to have no contact with him or his wife at all than to have contact during an emotional situation where words/promises may be misconstrued.

Having been the OW a few years ago (like the OP I didn't know he was married, but still not my finest hour ), I would say that in my view it's almost certain that she simply doesn't want him to come on his own and be unsupervised with you, especially as I'm guessing the distance would mean he would have to stay the night in your area...?

Finally IMO if you feel that you MUST meet with his wife at some point, do so on neutral ground, not during an emotional and private scan. Take a trusted friend and make sure they take note of anything that's said.

Congratulations anyway - I'm sorry the situation isn't ideal but enjoy your pregnancy and your baby!

what xenia says

no mother should ever agree to a dna test before the baby is even born!!

The mother of the unborn baby knows who the father is, dna testing in utero is an invasive procedure which carries some risks.

SPB - It was at around 6 months when dd went for overnight stays, by this time she was weaned and slept 12-13 hours every night so was fine, we both at this stage felt comfortable with this.

I was told though by legal person that it really is far better to sort out access arrangemnets between yourselves when the time comes. It was explained to me in my own situation that the courts are really not very happy at all to get envolved with access and don't like to. Again whether this has changed I dont know. So it maybe that courts/judges opinions on access have changed.

So what I did was state to ex - I do not want to feel pushed into arrangemtens I do not feel happy with for both myself and baby. In my case we actually had seperate access arrangements for our two dd - one having overnight stays and the other coming home to be with me for the first 6 months of her life. I did though instigate access, making sure that both dd's had access to their father

I also stated to ex that I would like to change access as baby grew to allow for her getting older.

It is without doubt an emotional time for any couple let along a situation where there seems to be two people pushing there way in with a single expectant mother.

I'd add that there might be a certain dignity in doing a Liz Hurley here and not asking for any maintenance ... that may well put Nissa in a stronger position emotionally as there could be no accusation of using or tricking the father of the baby, etc etc, and it would make access issues all the more complicated if a) he had lied originally about having a wife (even by omission) and b) Nissa had never received a penny from him.

Of course, Nissa may really need money in which case this wouldn't apply, but there is a lot of support out there for single mums in such situations these days (eg tax credits etc), and I do believe women can be very strong and successful when it comes to supporting their children.

Xenia - the wife in this case has no rights whatsoever to request or be present at anything at all, ever. Only her husband, the father of the child, can do that.

Boffin Mum,. that is so true, my x gives us nothing, but I never have to worry that money will suddenly stop if he has another child, or that if I don't do what he tells me to it'll stop, or worry that he'll lose his job, or worry that something I do will piss him off....

There is, if you can manage without it, freedom in not needing an arsehole's money.

OF course I am angry that my x is stealing from me by letting me alone incurr every financial burden, but still, to be positive about being broke, it has it upsides too!

He knows for certain that I am pregnant as was with me at a 5 week early scan when I was bleeding and at the 12 week dating scan. He still has a copy of the 12 week scan although I obviously can't be certain he has shown her this.

I will be happy to do a DNA test after the baby is born. I won't be risking anything happening to please them just the same as I wouldn't have an amnio.

He emailed this morning to ask if I would maybe change my mind. I have simply replied that I would rather neither of them are there and that I have asked a friend to come instead. I apologised as this was going back on my word but felt the situation was becoming too uncomfortable for me to handle just now.

i am greatful for everyone's opinions. I feel Cargirl was jumped on a little but can understand that people were worried it was giving me scary thoughts to deal with as well as this. trust me, every single thought has run through my head already - I am pretty shaken up by it all.

I understand the wife would not want us alone together. I would feel the same in her shoes. It's been interesting to hear the betrayed wife point of view on here.

We would need an amicable relationship for the sake of the baby. I personally want to simply be left alone for the rest of the pregnancy. We can sort out the details when the baby is born.

Nissa, you sound a lot more grown up that the baby's father, frankly, and I reckon you'll be a fabulous mum. xx