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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not wanting DS away for 3 weeks over Christmas?

170 replies

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:23

Hi,

My ex Patner is plannign a trip to Australia over Christmas to visit his Mother and brother, he wants to take our son. It's for 3 weeks and I'm worried this is too long for a 3 year old to be away from home?
Can I have your opinions/reasurance of him going away for so long.

TIA

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 09:27

long time for you too isn't it

does he spend a lot of time with his dad (overnights etc.)? Thing is, not really worth going to aus at that time of year unless you go for a decent amount of time I think.

Alternatively, he could go for a week or so and then you could go over for a bit and bring him back with you if you were worried about the time?

Hassled · 19/10/2008 09:30

It sort of depends on how comfortable/relaxed he is with his father - do they see a lot of each other normally? Do you trust your ex with him - is he a good parent? My instinct is that 3 is too young, but I suppose a lot also depends on the 3 year old - is he used to being away from you, is he a confident sort of chap, does he sttle at night without you?

On the one hand he'll probably have a great time, and it can only be a good thing if he meets his Australian family and bonds with his father, on the other hand it will be horrible for you having to just wait it out. But you have to be sure that your DS will cope - can you talk to your ex about your worries?

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:36

It's a long time for me yes, but trying not to be selfish here really.
He See's his Dad a lot, they went to Italy in August for a week, and they are up in Newcastle at the moment for 5 days.
I know he'll have a wonderful time out there, his Uncle Aunt and little cousin will be over from New Zealand too, i just cannot get my head round 3weeks. 2 weeks I think I could handle, but 3 weeks just seems that bit too long.

OP posts:
Hassled · 19/10/2008 09:42

I suppose then you'll just have to think of it in terms of 3 weeks doing your DS a favour in terms of jetlag etc - anything less and he will be miserable, exhausted and confused for the whole trip and when he gets back. Think of it as being the fairest thing for DS, and it might be easier to handle.

Poor you, though - it will be a grim 3 weeks. Just keep as busy as you possibly can. Is there some project you can come up with - redecorating/craft/whatever - that you can plan over 3 weeks? Sometimes very specific plans/projects really help get you through a tough time.

foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 09:43

Could you tell your ex that? Or could you go over after 2 weeks and get him?

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Sounds like you and your ex have a very good set up with respect to your ds!

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:43

He is very comfortable with his Dad, they spend a lot of time together. They went on Holiday in August to Italy, and then to Devon for a week, and at the moment they are in Newcastle. I know he will have a great time, and has bonded with his Grandma this summer as she was over for her Wedding, Italy family holiday etc.
i just have irrational worries when I'm not their with him, 3 weeks would be very testing I think.
I also worry about Ds reaction at coming home after so long without me. Will he feel abandoned by me? Or is that just me being silly?

OP posts:
Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:45

Sorry, posted l;ast message before seeing all your responses.
I work full time so I'll be in the office most of the time, but was thinking of taking holiday and getting away myself. Probably make the time go quicker.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 09:46

oh no, I don't think he will? You can speak to him on the phone and he will probably have a great time. Will be lovely and sunny and if there are other children too, it will be great fun. But I agree with you, 3 weeks does seem a very long time.

Has this been arranged already (I imagine it has with the flights etc.)?

Tiggiwinkle · 19/10/2008 09:47

I think three weeks is too long for a 3 year old to be away from his Mum unless absolutely necessary, to be honest.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:47

Foxinsoxks, I did express my shock and worries when my ex rang to ask me last night, I've basically agreed as I don't feel I have any right in saying no, it's his son too. Just a little worried. I think he knows that.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 09:48

oh yes, go on holiday if you can....should make it go faster. Sounds like you are preparing yourself for it already!

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:49

No, i don't think flights have been booked. He just called last night and said, forgot to tell you about plans for Christmas etc

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 09:50

well if the flights haven't been booked, I think I'd be tempted to ask for 2 weeks. And say you are concerned that 3 weeks is a long time at his age but obviously, you are happy for him to see ex's family and as he gets older, he'll be able to go for a longer time (than 2 weeks).

He'll struggle to get flights I would have thought though, if he hasn't booked already!

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:55

Yes, I think I may do that foxinsocks. I don't want to deprive him of the holiday as I know he'll have a wonderful time. I'll try and compromise for 2 weeks. I think it's just the thought of it being over Christmas time too. It's a time to be with family and I know I'll be longing for my little boy. Maybe I can ask to have George for Christmas day as my Ex partner took him to Newcastle last Christmas, they can fly out for 2 weeks after Christmas. It will be a very bleak time for me not have him over Christmas at all I think.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 10:02

yes, I think that sounds quite fair Lorna tbh.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 10:09

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 10:10

I hope he agrees to it! Let us know what happens.

jellybeans · 19/10/2008 10:24

I wouldn't agree with 3 weeks as it is to long. 1 week max I would agree too. However, with having family in Oz and due to logistics/it being so far away, I think 2 weeks is a fair compromise.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 10:27

Thanks jellybeans. It is too long, considering his age. He was a bit 'funny' with me after returning from a week in Italy which was hurtful, i hate to imagine how he'd be after 3 weeks away.

OP posts:
ipodtherforipoor · 19/10/2008 10:58

I went away overnight and DS is being funny with me - I think its just what they do when they have been away.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 11:54

I know, that's what puts me off the most.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 19/10/2008 12:19

Is there anyway he would agree to wait until DS is older before taking him so far away and for so long? You could point out how he felt after the week in Italy. Maybe the relatives could come to the UK instead and ex DP could take DS for a week with them somewhere nearer. I honestly could not cope with 3 weeks apart and don't think it is really in best interests of your DS at this age. I think I would only be happy with my DC going that far away about 8-10 years old. Good luck talking to him!x

GrapeJelly · 19/10/2008 12:26

I think he's too young to go so far for so long. Can you both come to some sort of compromise? Can you go too?

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 13:59

The original plan was for DS to go to Newcastle to spend Christmas up their, his Grandma was going to come from OZ as she normally does to spend Christmas up in Newcastle with the family. Ex p took DS to Newcastle last year and i agreed he could again this year as his Grandma (DS great grandma) has cancer and will prob be here last Christmas, she has had a turn for the worse and is in hospital, hence why EX p has taken DS up to Newcastle for a few days to visit, his mother has also flown over from Australia to see her mother. I sent EX P this tx this morning "Can I have George for Christmas Day and you and he fly to OZ on the 27th or something for 2 weeks? Please think about it. It will be such a bleak time for me not to see George at all for so long over the Christmas period." He replied "Life is bleak for me not being able to live with George and this will be my Mum's first Christmas without my Grandma plus you already said I could have him for Christmas and I was probably about 14 the last time I spent Christmas with my brother. Please don't ruin a small piece of happiness for me as I am not happy very often" I then replied "I'm not trying to ruin your happiness, I'm trying to compromise here. 3 weeks without my son over Christmas with him half way across the world is too much to ask. I did say you could have him for Christmas when I thought it was just going to be a week. I will miss out on the whole Christmas period with him, I missed Christmas last year. For you to try and put guilt trips on me all the time is not fair. I never stop you seeing George."

And breath

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 19/10/2008 14:11

I don't think you can go that distance for less than 3 weeks because of the long flights. Any possibility of you going too?