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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not wanting DS away for 3 weeks over Christmas?

170 replies

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:23

Hi,

My ex Patner is plannign a trip to Australia over Christmas to visit his Mother and brother, he wants to take our son. It's for 3 weeks and I'm worried this is too long for a 3 year old to be away from home?
Can I have your opinions/reasurance of him going away for so long.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:38

His Mother is funding the trip

OP posts:
Surfermum · 19/10/2008 16:41

I don't think texts are the best way to deal with something like this at all. A face to face conversation would be far better, you can get over what you are trying to say in the right tone and he would be able to see your body language. He might be completely misinterpreting what you are saying and how you are trying to put it across.

I think this is a tough one. I can see where you are coming from, but I really don't think it's an unreasonable request from him - it does sound like a bit of a one-off and of course he wants his son to be there.

From his point of view, it is REALLY hard to be removed from your child's life on a daily basis agaianst your choice. He is bound to be hurting and angry at you if you ended the relationship. So it probably sticks in his throat a bit when you start saying he can't see your son for so long because you are going to miss him. He probably misses him every night.

Just as an aside, if he doesn't work, why doesn't he look after him during the day?

llareggub · 19/10/2008 16:44

I would definitely not agree to a 3 week trip with a man who steals for a living and who smokes so much cannabis he is in a daze.

Sorry to be blunt. I would be worried about his suitability to look after a 3 year old.

sarahsmom · 19/10/2008 16:45

i agree with mrs bobito it sounds like he is not doing to well at the moment and it might sort him out to get away with his son for a while. it might be just what he needs to get him back on track

idontbelieveit · 19/10/2008 16:45

Before you let him go I would think very hard about whether your xp might be considering moving back to Oz and taking your son with him. Doesn't sound like he has much in th UK to stick around for ime.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:49

Don't get me started on that. Although I very much doubt he'd be smoking anything like that in Australia. Lets just say if I he went on the Jeremy Kyle show he'd be eaten alive. I shouldn't joke about it, it is unacceptable. It's a waste, he's a clever man and has been well brought up, he could do a lot better with his life. He always manages to make me feel he's in the right. When I described him on here it made me laugh to myself at how bad it makes him sound and used to it I've got.

OP posts:
sarahsmom · 19/10/2008 16:54

i know alot of men and 99% of them are very good people and it upsets me to hear some of the prejudice and small minded comments from many of the mothers on here. here on the isle of guernsey we women allow the men equal rights. i think its about time that england, scotland and wales got with the times.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:55

Oh I agree Surfer Mum, and that is the attitude I have with him most of the time, basically if he rings to see his son he can. I have never stopped him before. I don't wish to stop this trip and I admit this will be a lovely time for him and his family, But i feel i am entitled to think my own feelings. I didn't see George last Christmas and won't this Christmas, I'm merely asking he go for a week less. If/when my ex gets himself his own place that is a safe and homely environment to take my son into then we have agreed to joint access, 1 week each. I have said to Lew that he may have George a few days while I am at work but he hasn't yet taken me up on that offer. I spend Mon to Fri at work 8 til 5 in which time George is at Nursery Lewis could come and pick George up a couple of hours each day and drop him to me by dinner time as he is not working but he has not taken me up on the offer.

OP posts:
Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:58

Sarahsmom a child needs both parents in their life consistently I do agree. However there are mother instincts that women have that men don't. It's just nature, no law etc can change that!

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dittany · 19/10/2008 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbobito · 19/10/2008 17:05

jeremy kyle is an adultering piece of *** that feeds alchoholics drinks before shows, smoking cannibis does not make someone any worse than drinking bottles of bucks fizz. and if you think he sounds a lot worse than he is then maybe he isn,t that bad. my dh suffers from arthritis and he smokes cannibis every day to ease the discomfort and he is a very loving father who once had my daughter for a month when she wasnt even 3 yet and she was very happy to see me when i got back from america. i think you will get over it and have an excellant relationship with yout child.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 17:06

Oh god I've made him sound terrible!

OP posts:
sarahsmom · 19/10/2008 17:08

when my son is upset he goes to the nearest parent. my dh is just as good a parent as me apart from he is not as good a cook and he is not as good at polishing. it makes me sick to hear such small minded views in this day and age, appaling

idontbelieveit · 19/10/2008 17:09

So he's not prepared to do the day to day with your son, when it would save you money and mean he could see his son more often, but wants to take him away for 3 weeks when you have holiday so have a chance to spend some quality time with your son.

If he doesn't work he should put you (the breadwinner and main carer) first and take his son after christmas so he misses out on nursery rather than time with you.
Don't escalate things now but wait until your ds is back with you and then discuss it all properly.

dittany · 19/10/2008 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idontbelieveit · 19/10/2008 17:13

I have no problem with cannabis use but would be concerned if someone was stoned and in charge of a 3 year old. I don't think you can dispute that weed impairs judgment and i wouldn't want my DH to be in sole charge of my dd if he had been smoking (which he does occasionally) Just the same as I wouldn't want him to be drinking in that situation.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 17:13

Haha thought I'd get a reaction from the Jeremy Kyle comment!! Look, he's a good Dad, they have a good relationship, I don't deny that, I have stated this in previous posts! However, his smoking of cannabis doesn't directly effect my son no, but it has stopped him getting a job a house/flat etc which in the long run will effect my son. It is a known fact that smoking cannabis leaves you a lethargic human being with little energy to do much, it also can lead to depression which I strongly believe my ex suffers from.

I don't feel comfortable having my child that far away for so long, I can't explain to him how long he will be there for, he is 3 years old, he has no concept of time, he won't understand why he can't see me etc. 2 weeks is too bloody long but I will compromise to that, 3 weeks is just too much for me indavidually with a child of this age. I think the fact that it is going to be over Christmas makes it that much harder. Perhaps if it were 3 weeks next summer when DS will be approaching 4 it would be slightly easier to come to terms with.

OP posts:
Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 17:15
  • should say affect!
OP posts:
dittany · 19/10/2008 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idontbelieveit · 19/10/2008 17:17

Lorna, i think you're being very reasonable and more than fair to your xp. Say what you need to to get your ds back from newcastle then have it out with him after that.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 17:17

Sarah when my son is upset he asks me for his Daddy and it's bloody heart renching to hear, but this isn't the point here!

OP posts:
jellybeans · 19/10/2008 17:17

'it sounds like he is not doing to well at the moment and it might sort him out to get away with his son for a while. it might be just what he needs to get him back on track '
That is putting his needs first though and NOT his DS.

Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 17:21

I have spoken to him on the phone since the text messages and we spoke more calmly about it. He has a family meal and has agreed to call me after. I think his comment about not leaving til the funeral was a heat of the moment comment!
I most probably am in denial, i just really don't want things to get so bad that it gets nasty. I feel it can be avoided.

OP posts:
Original poster
LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 17:23

I do agree Jellybeans, it's hard for my ex as his family are all up in Newcastle, his mother has moved to OZ with her partner and his brother and wife have moved to New Zealand, he has firends here but sometimes you just need family. I have compassion in that respect, however, I think a two week holiday is still pretty good going don't you?

OP posts:
llareggub · 19/10/2008 17:30

I still don't think you need to agree to the holiday at all. After all, you don't deny him access to your son under normal circumstances. However, I think the deal is weighted too much in his favour. Why can't you have alternate christmases? Otherwise you'll always miss out on having your son at christmas. Seems unfair to me that you do the lion's share of the income generating yet miss out on the holidays.

You need to set the boundaries. IMO it is very risky letting him out of the country.