not wanting DS away for 3 weeks over Christmas?

[LornaESMurray]

Hi,

My ex Patner is plannign a trip to Australia over Christmas to visit his Mother and brother, he wants to take our son. It's for 3 weeks and I'm worried this is too long for a 3 year old to be away from home?
Can I have your opinions/reasurance of him going away for so long.

TIA

I'd be interested to know why I was so clingy, my brother wasn't.I'm going to speak to Lew when he calls and I'll try and get across some of your views.

blimey, your child, your rules, Jammi, but I'm not sure I agree that sending a 9 month old off for 2 weeks to gp's that live in another country and are therefore not particularly familiar to him is 'doing what's best for him'. I can't believe that he wasn't frightened that he would never see you again.

Why is it best for him?

I know, it's just such a tricky situation. Don't want to be the mean ex putting a spanner in the works. But like everyone has reassured me, if I don't feel entirely comfortable with it then it's worth expressing that to my XP, hopefully he will come round and see my point.

oh I see, i didn't understand from your post that yr mother hd been his carer- sorry.

When DS went to Italy with his Dad this summer XP rang me shouting " what have you done to my son he's clingy he won't sit with my mum, he doesn't want to go near the pool etc etc" I explained to him that it's a different atmosphere for him, he doesn't know your mum from Adam (the last time he'd seen her was the Christmas before when he was 2) give him a chance to settle in. He blamed me for our sons nervousness around to him strange people, he was also scared of swimming pools so I think that may have been part of the reason. However he did settle in and by the end of the holiday he was playing in the pool everyday, he often talks about "the hotel" and asks to go there, this makes me feel more at ease as I know he had a good time last time. But it was just a week, he was back with me in no time after having a great holiday. I just have concerns about the length of time, what is 3 weeks to a 3 year old in comparrason to an adult, probabaly more like 6 months in our time?

XP's Mum lives there so she will already be there, DS and XP will fly out alone to visit her.

Not only is 3 weeks too long and Australia a bit too far (?) but I would want him with me at Christmas (even if that meant that the dad was there too)

You sound like a far nicer person than me and am sure you are never unreasonable.

OK so 2 things strike me here.

Firstly I think you should agree to have alternate Christmas's. Plain and simple. He had George last year so you have him this year. A good compromise is as you have suggested - he sees you for Christmas then flies out the day or 2 later.

Secondly I think the fact that you work full time while your ex sits on his arse doesn't makes it madness for you to pay for childcare and have to forgo spending time with him at the weekend AND have to go out so they can spend time in your flat into the bargain. Why on earth isn't your ex spending 2 days in the week with him while you are at work (or more) and then you have the weekend with him?

very good points alicet. I really think that you need to rethink the way you and xp share childcare, and definitely move the Oz trip to after christmas.

Jammi, do you really think lorna's xp is giving him enough attention when he does have him if she finds him sleeping with ds in just a nappy and yesterdays dirty clothes??

sorry jammi, i missed that bit.

is there any chance whatsoever that he will not come back once he has gone and taken him to OZ.? The thread is throwing up a few niggles for me.

He doesn't work, he is depressed. How good is OZ going to look in the sunshine with a supportive family out there who might know of jobs.

Just something to consider, he has no job or home to tie him to this country and he tries to make you feel guilty/hurt you emotionally and he is also suffering from depression.

I only hear alarm bells right now.

LFC i thought the same. Sorry Lorna.

somebodys life outside of being a parent does not determine how good a mother/father that person will be. also people who suffer from depression are not all kidnappers and loonies. it sounds like your child is very happy when with his father so the child being asleep in just a nappy and a dirty tshirt does not sound like child abuse. i am sure the child did not mind his tshirt being dirty and as long as he is washed before going out, then it just sounds like a lazy day in front of the tv which i am sure even dittany has had before. some of the views on here are shocking and make your xp out to be a heroine addict who steals old ladys handbags and locks your child in a cupboard with a carving knife for company. please say if this is true and i will change my opinion completely, but for now i say let him go and you can always keep in touch over the phone.

there is no such thing as a physical addiction to mary jane and she has already stated that he does not smoke it while looking after her ds. that does not sound like an addiction but more of a habit. obviously the thieving part sounds completely irresponsible but this may be because of his depression and the holiday may get him on the right path in life. not allowing him to go could be disasterous if he is already depressed, how will he cope with christmas alone.

At the risk of repeating myself, I'm with Dittany on this. Cannabis causes lots of serious pyschological issues and I would be very concerned if my son was being cared for by someone who smoked continuously.

I know the OP didn't ask for advice regarding her ex's parenting skills, but she did raise it as context and I would definitely regard it as having a bearing on the small matter of a 3 week trip to Oz.

Hi All,
I have spoken to Lew several times today and I've decided to let George go for the 3 weeks. I'm not happy with it, but I've come to realise that I'm not happy with it for my own feelings, I'm certain George will have a wonderful time. If he were to stay with me he'd have Christmas with me yes, but I'd be back at work and he'd be back at nursery soon after. What I need to remember is that I'm not sending him away with a stranger, he's going with his father. It's going to be hard but will soon be over and i will have the next 2 Christmas's to look forward to. My EX is addicted to Cannabis and has had on and off periods for the length of time I've known him. I'm not for one minute making excuses for him, but in my experience of living with him etc the habit isn't (yet) out of hand. He will refrain from smoking at all (cigarettes too) whilst with family, so am almost 100% he will not be smoking it in OZ, secondly he doesn't show any withdrawal symptoms or mood swings when not smoking. On the other hand when he has smoked it he isn't alert and there is no denying that, it would be unacceptable for him to be under the influence whilst in sole care of our child. He wouldn't have the energy or right frame of mind to care for George 100%. But I have taken his word that he does not smoke it around George.

I'm hoping this trip to OZ will lift his mood, clear his head and get the ball rolling with a life turn around for him. I'm trying to think positively about it rather than negatively.

I do hope you are doing the right thing, my hunch he is controlling you very much so.

1. he has goerge every weekend in your house. free food /bed to sleep in (probally one of the main reasons he has your ds).
2. stil smokes cannabis. I would even let my dc's near someone like that, never mind care for them even if it was their dad.
3. 3 weeks away from you at xmas, priceless time. I think he is going to stay there. Lorna you sound like a lovely mummy and person but sorry to be harsh but you need a reality check before it is to late.

I don't think he has any intention of staying out there, even if he did his Mother would most certainly not allow it. He's not perfect and is quite controlling but he's not a monster, he does have what he believes to be Georges best interests in his heart, I do know that.
He can be difficult and he is very strong minded, he finds it hard to see anyone else's views, but when it comes to George he is very caring (a big softy) and I know George will not be fine with him. My only worry that will remain is if George is going to miss me whilst out there. I still think it's too long but feel I cannot say no. So I am trying to think of the positives.