not wanting DS away for 3 weeks over Christmas?

[LornaESMurray]

Hi,

My ex Patner is plannign a trip to Australia over Christmas to visit his Mother and brother, he wants to take our son. It's for 3 weeks and I'm worried this is too long for a 3 year old to be away from home?
Can I have your opinions/reasurance of him going away for so long.

TIA

Dittany you've hit the nail on the head there. The point I've been trying to get across is that, although DS and XP are close and have a good relationship together there are needs XP cannot meet. Small things I've noticed, such as; When coming coming on a week day after xp has had ds at my house, I've come home early to get ready for work, DS and XP are asleep on the sofa, DS not in PJ's just a nappy and the top worn the day before, the house an absolute mess, ash trays by the door, I beleive XP smokes his crap in my house once DS is asleep. I have spoken to him about this since and he has said he won't do it again, but how can I be sure? Last weekend XP had DS on Sat night, I called him on the Sunday to ask for him to take DS to the park or something as he had been in all weekend and XP response was no he's fine watching telly. Sometimes I feel sorry for him being stuck indoors all weekend. On the other hand DS gets exacted about seeing his Daddy so they must have fun!

Dittany you've hit the nail on the head there. The point I've been trying to get across is that, although DS and XP are close and have a good relationship together there are needs XP cannot meet. Small things I've noticed, such as; When coming coming on a week day after xp has had ds at my house, I've come home early to get ready for work, DS and XP are asleep on the sofa, DS not in PJ's just a nappy and the top worn the day before, the house an absolute mess, ash trays by the door, I beleive XP smokes his crap in my house once DS is asleep. I have spoken to him about this since and he has said he won't do it again, but how can I be sure? Last weekend XP had DS on Sat night, I called him on the Sunday to ask for him to take DS to the park or something as he had been in all weekend and XP response was no he's fine watching telly. Sometimes I feel sorry for him being stuck indoors all weekend. On the other hand DS gets exacted about seeing his Daddy so they must have fun!

Dittany you've hit the nail on the head there. The point I've been trying to get across is that, although DS and XP are close and have a good relationship together there are needs XP cannot meet. Small things I've noticed, such as; When coming coming on a week day after xp has had ds at my house, I've come home early to get ready for work, DS and XP are asleep on the sofa, DS not in PJ's just a nappy and the top worn the day before, the house an absolute mess, ash trays by the door, I beleive XP smokes his crap in my house once DS is asleep. I have spoken to him about this since and he has said he won't do it again, but how can I be sure? Last weekend XP had DS on Sat night, I called him on the Sunday to ask for him to take DS to the park or something as he had been in all weekend and XP response was no he's fine watching telly. Sometimes I feel sorry for him being stuck indoors all weekend. On the other hand DS gets exacted about seeing his Daddy so they must have fun!

I take my dcs away for six weeks every year to see my parents, but I am a SAHM. I think it would be a little too traumatic the other way round. We've done this since the first was around one yr.
I would say no.

Parenting is not one long sacrifice and we have to have a little of the good spoiling stuff for it to be worth it. Compromise on a week and make sure you have your workdays off when he comes back, book a cheap (during term time) break at Centre Parks or something.

sorry but your ex sounds useless. yes i have a useless ex too. one that didn't wash my dd's hair, let alone brush it. she wuold come home in stinking clothes, that weren't hers. He was a dopehead too, and was not good at nurturing our dd.

My dd like your ds, adored her father but that in itself didn't make him a good parent, and by that i mean one that could be trusted to look after our dd and 'be' there.

I think some people get abit militant about 'equal rights' and access and are thinking of the parents wishes/needs rather than child. I don't think being split constantly between two homes is good for a child or being away for weeks from a parent, yes the mother- if a child is used to living with the mother. Why is that so taboo these days? I have read some very sad accounts of this.. Mothers are different to fathers, fact. That doesn't make a father redundant but it means taking a little toddler away for weeks at a time may not be in the child's best interests. In this case, the dad could take the child somewhere nearer for a week or so and take him further when he is older. It is NOT selfish to say no, it is more selfish of the dad to take him IMO.

Dittany, I don't ignore his addiction I do quiz him on this, but I feel undermined by him. He is a clever manipulative man and he has an answer to everything. I have said to Lewis that I will stop him staying at my house to look after DS If he continues to smoke cannabis in or outside my house when looking after DS, he has agreed. And until now I haven't seen evidence of any cannabis smoking in or around my home since. I can't be 100% sure but I am pretty confident that it has stopped whilst he is with DS.

Jammi no need to apologise, it is an interesting subject and relevant to this situation. I'd like to hear more of your research.

Reading through my posts, I don't think I really know what I think, I say he's a good dad, and yet he steels and smokes cannabis. It's been good for me to see this all in writing rather than just in my head, I don't tell my Mother about his 'habits'

sorry but he sounds a right charmer. I can see it now. He'll find some bloke to get him some dope, whilst on hols, and your child will end up being looked after by others. ok they are family, but he sounds like he is too selfish, and wrapped up in his dope to care much about what anyone else thinks.

You are being undermined and manipulated, just like you said.

What I meant by " I don't tell my Mother about his habits" I don't really voice it much so it's his opinion against mine, it really helps to hear other peoples views.

Lorna, believe me, i STILL sometimes make excuses for my ex, who i STIll believe has redeemable qualites.

I believe it, becuase i remember the 'good' guy. The reality is very hard to see at times. It's very hard, when you are the main carer to speak up. He's not a grown up, and you have just got used to this 'him' being the 'norm'.

It's not the 'norm'. It's not responsible, however intelligent, open, kind, endearing you 'know' he is underneath.

do we have the same ex

Yes I think we do
I find it hard to get my point across to him though. It's his way or the highway basically.

it is very hard. mine refuse to listen to my voice for almost a yr, therefore plunging our dd into depression, becuase he wouldn't back down and come and see her on his own.
dd stopped seeing him, on her own terms, but suffered greatly becuaseof his 'me me me' attitude.

there's huge differenc between ex's, and what they see as parenting tho. There are those who fight for thier kids, and i too feel sorry for them if their ex wives/gf's are making things intentionally hard.

the op's ex is not really very stable, and i guess this has alot to with her reluctance. he is making an extreme request, becuase of the location circs and i am not surprised the op is upset at being so far away from their dc.

It is also very different, when you are trying to be fair to your ex. There are so many ways things can turn bad.

Got a good point there Jammi. Maybe I just need to let go. I can remember my mum going to Hong Kong for a week or 2 can't remember how long, I stayed home with my Dad and brother and slept with her dressing gown every night crying, I was bout 12! It was almost like I was mourning her death or something. My mum has told me many stories of me as a youngster, running up and down the stairs crying trying to find my mum whilst she was out hanging up the washing, I used to have constant nightmares of being kidnapped! I think I must of suffered from separation anxiety up until a teenager, perhaps I'm presuming my son will feel the same?

I'm with dittany. He probably won't remember the trip itself but the memory of being separated will stay with him.

Jammi, you're maltese though and so it's a reasonable and cultural thing. Likewise in China children grow up with gps seeing their mother's infrequently...but everyone accepts this is the norm. It is not the norm in the UK to spend three weeks away from your child at christmas.
Lorna, don;t get wrapped up in doing what's going to be een as the best thing for your dc, you must think of yourself too. Three weeks is a very long time to not be able to spend with your child and him with his mother when you work full time too.
Circumstances beyond your control mean the christmas trip is three weeks, so for three weeks your EP will have to be without his dc. When your dc is older you can chat on the phone but at three I think it'll be awful for both of you. I can't imagine anything worse than hearing my three year old crying for me and not being able to cuddle him for 2 weeks or not wanting to talk to me.