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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not wanting DS away for 3 weeks over Christmas?

170 replies

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 09:23

Hi,

My ex Patner is plannign a trip to Australia over Christmas to visit his Mother and brother, he wants to take our son. It's for 3 weeks and I'm worried this is too long for a 3 year old to be away from home?
Can I have your opinions/reasurance of him going away for so long.

TIA

OP posts:

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 14:15

We went for 2 weeks when DS was 5 months old. I couldn't afford to go with them, I haven't been invited, to be honest it would probably be awkward. EX P very much resents me for ending our relationship.

OP posts:

pooka · 19/10/2008 14:18

THink his text response was pretty shitty.

Sounds to me like you are being very accommodating. I would not however be happy at having 3 weeks away from my 3 year old, nor even my 5 year old (no matter what I say when we're having a rotten week ).

pooka · 19/10/2008 14:19

I went to Oz for 2 weeks pr-kids. In fact, a little under. Was fine and we didn't have too-bad jetlag. Helped that we were in one place rather than moving, so had the time and abilty to just take things easy.

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 14:24

I agree, he makes me feel guilty all the time about splitting up. It's almost like because I ended our relationship I have no choice in things now. He doesn't pay any money towards George as he doesn't work, I work 40 hours a week and have to send George to nursery for 9 hours a day, it's hard. If I speak to him about it, his response is "well you chose to be a single mum" He is very hard to reason with.

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catweazle · 19/10/2008 14:51

FWIW we went to NZ in February for 2 weeks and did a lot f travelling in that time, so it is do-able in less than 3 weeks.

Also my DD1 went to France with her gparents for 3 weeks when she was 3. She was fine and wasn't bothered by the separation.

It seems to be worse tho that it's over Xmas and while you seem to be falling over backwards to accomodate your ex he doesn't seem to be interested in your feelings at all.

I think following his text I would be inclined to say that as he had him last Xmas and won't compromise that he can't have him at all.

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 15:06

It's not going too well. He's not willing to compromise,I have sent a message to his mum asking if it be possible that Lew and George go out for just 2 weeks as I think it's a bit long for him to go for 3. I know it seems petty to get her involved but she will be booking the flights and I'm sure my ex hasn't made her aware of my concerns. She hasn't responded.

OP posts:

dittany · 19/10/2008 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbobito · 19/10/2008 15:12

i think that he does sound slightly unreasonable but on the other hand 3 weeks is not all that long a time to go to oz when the flight and recovery time is very long. maybe you could take your son away yourself for a while before hand or after. my dd was away from me for a month when she was 2 and a half, and i admit she was a bit shy with me and clingy with my dh for the first couple of days but after that i was her favourite again lol.

dittany · 19/10/2008 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 15:41

He is now saying that he is going to stay in Newcastle until his Grandmas funeral if he can only go to oz for 2 weeks... His Grandma isn't even dead yet! It's sick! He's throwing his toys out the pram because he can't get his own way. He is now calling me a selfish cun* . It's laughable! It's not as if I'm saying no altogether, which i wish i could. I'm merely asking for a week less!

I'm getting really wound up now, I feel like crying. My bloody Mum isn't answering her phone. I need to calm down.

OP posts:

dittany · 19/10/2008 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mabanana · 19/10/2008 15:51

You are being more than fair Lorna.

foxinsocks · 19/10/2008 15:57

oh dear lorna

I'd try not to ratchet it up any more by getting aggressive with him but keep calm and pleasant. I'd perhaps tell him that you're thinking of your son and how long he's going to be away from home rather than him not seeing his son (which you are, I can see he's not listening though).

I don't know what sort of access plan you have with your ex but I imagine you could always just say no so remember, the ball is basically in your court at the moment.

I hope his mum will see some sense and agree to compromise.

mabanana · 19/10/2008 16:01

I have also been to Australia for two weeks, and it was fine jet lag wise, thought the flight is horrendous IMO. Children don't get jet lag as badly as we too anyway IMO.
He is being horrible now. I'm so sorry.

jellybeans · 19/10/2008 16:01

After the way he has acted, I would say no. I think it is too young anyway though. Tell him he can have a week with him and that's it, and that OZ is too far. So what what you said before, you have thought it over now. Like you said, when you agreed he could have DS over Xmas it was for a week. He has stretched the limits without any consideration for you. Surely he must realise DS will miss you for 3 weeks? Sounds like selfishness on his part and maybe spite (cos you ended the relationship, which he shouldn't blame you for soley as presumably you weren't happy due in part to him). What if DS starts crying for you after a few days and is on the other side of the world. He is trying to guilt trip you. I really would say just a week locally until DS is MUCH older.

piratecat · 19/10/2008 16:03

3 weeks is too long at age 3imo. ok i think they are more easily fobbed off at this age, but still it's a long time. my dd spent a week with her dad at this age, and it was all an adventure, at 4 she was uncertain, and at 5 she was very upset at having to go.

this year at age six she's refused, and has been listened too by me.

KatieDD · 19/10/2008 16:11

Could we all put in a fiver and you go along too ?
I'd be a) concerned about him bringing the child back
b) why should you have to be alone for all that time over Christmas, it would kill me.

piratecat · 19/10/2008 16:25

you have more control over this than you think.

I nkow it is very difficult when you feel you want to be fair, and that you fel the ex will be a bastard to you if you stand up to him.
Yet you can say no, however the shit hits the fan. It is not fair on you or your son. You are the residental parent, and you have just as much right to say no as he has to throw his toys out of the pram.

he is being unreasonable, when are they not. How can he afford this trip anyway? He is trying to please his mother, yet this child is too young. Your child needs his mum, and i think that your ex should delay his trip until your dc is older. Not that it's any easier to be apart, but he is only 3 and cannot understand what 3 weeks is, he will prob get very distressed at times.

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:27

I honestly wish I could just say no but I can't do that.

OP posts:

piratecat · 19/10/2008 16:29

why tho. what prevents you. what are your reasons?

if you seriously think your child will suffer without you, you should say no.
Keep it up and he will have you over a barrel every time.

mabanana · 19/10/2008 16:29

Legally you can. DO you mean you feel you can't morally or that you are scared of him?

mrsbobito · 19/10/2008 16:30

i would love to hear your xp opinion as i am sure this is not the whole story. 3 weeks is not a long time whatever anyone says and i think it sounds like he is having a rough time at the moment, so i think you should let him go and you can go back to being the main carer after that.

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:31

Hi Piratecat, I agree. The only problem is that when he called last night and asked I was put on the spot and agreed to it. Obviously having put alot more thought into it, I have changed my mind. he is now saying "well you said yes yesterday you can't change your mind" For heavens sake it's not as if I've signed anything!

OP posts:

piratecat · 19/10/2008 16:33

let him say that, what are you the 'being put on the spot expert?'

sorry but ime 3 weeks is too long. Let him think what he likes.

Original poster

LornaESMurray · 19/10/2008 16:36

Mabanana i feel morally I can't say no. I feel that my son will have a wonderful time over there and I wouldn't want to deprive him of that. But I will stick to my guns that 3 weeks over Christmas is too long.

Mrsbobito - My ex is my ex because he does not work, he steals for a living and smokes so much cannabis that he is in a daze for the majority of his life. He is having a tough time, hence why I feel guilty saying no even though that is what I want to do. He sleeps on his friends sofa and has been for the past year, he has made no effort to find a job and get a place, he sees my son on weekends in which time he stays in MY home to look after him and i have to go and stay with friends or with my mum. He's a great Dad with a lot of love to give but he has many faults that are under his control to change.

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