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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's pathetic, the way people make out you can't love your child inlaws as much as your own children

267 replies

tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:06

just been reading a thread where they are saying that you love or worry about your own dc's more than your dil/sil.
surely it depends on your relationship with them.
what is it with some folk trying to win mother of the year award or something.

OP posts:
hecate · 01/09/2008 09:09

What's wrong with people saying that if it's true? I have a bond with my children like no other people on earth. I gave birth to them. I love them in a way I love nobody else. I think the world of my niece, love her to bits, she's the closest thing I've got to a daughter and I'd do anything for her. But my kids come first, I'd choose them over her without thinking twice and I love them in a totally different way because they are MINE.

It's not pathetic at all. It's the bond between parent and child. It's natural and what's more, it's biological fact...nature puts it there to avoid routine abandonment.

cornsilk · 01/09/2008 09:09

I am not in that situation but would think that most people would love their own dc more. Doesn't mean they can't also be close to dil and sil but surely it won't be the same.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:11

I would think its fairly common though isn;t it - the love you have for a child (any child) who has at some stage in their life been physically and emotionally dependent on you and whom you have known for decades is hard to replicate. I'm sure many parents would say they don't love their spouse in the same way they love their children.

I don;t see why thats wrong, its natures way of making sure as many childrne as possible live to adulthood.

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:11

of course it is the same.
if your dil was pg it is still your grandchild you know.
and you are still going to feel every bit of worry that you would for your daughter.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:12

though would obviously disagree with Hecate on the birth business!

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:14

yes but thats worrying aboiut a child again (or potential child) not your DIL per se. And yes of course you can care and worry about a daughter in law but I would be surprised if you love her the way you love your son.

I'm not saying its impossible just unusual.

alicet · 01/09/2008 09:15

tigergirl I don't think you are making sense. In your first post you said you don't understand why people love their dc's more than dil / sil - I think YABU and am totally with hecate on this one. I would never expect my mil to love me as much as her son!!!! And can't imagine however fond I grow to be of my ds's future wives that I will love them as much. I would be gobsmacked if you get many more than a couple of people agreeing with you if that!

Then in your second post you are now going on about grandchildren - this is not the same thing! I am sure if I had a dd (I have 2 ds's) that I would love gc's born to both my ds's (and dil's) as much as to dd's. This is so not the same thing at all as your op!

VictorianSqualor · 01/09/2008 09:17

Tigergirl, that'[s not what your op said though.

Your op says that if there were two people ie your daughter and your daughter in law that you'd feel the same about them both.

I know MiL was worried sick when we were told I had placental problems with DS2, because he is her GC, her son's son, and she worried for em too, because I'm her DiL, but she doesn't love me as much as she does her two sons, why/how would she?

hatrick · 01/09/2008 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 09:18

well lets see do they love mil as much as their own mums

i thought not

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:20

what i am saying is it doesn't mtter if it is your dd or dil having a baby.
you love and worry for them the same.
and that its still your grandchild being born.

i think some people like to try and make out they love their children the most.
with
"oh i could never love anyone as much as my dd/ds"
type comments.

and what i am saying this is not true.esp if its about your dil having a baby, your grandchild.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:22

well zippi i think some do yes.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 01/09/2008 09:24

I really could never love anyone the way I love my Dcs, except possibly their children.

Doesn't mean that if my sons ever get married and have children that I'll worry any less than I would with DD being pregnant, about the baby, but not about my DiL.

hatrick · 01/09/2008 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WickedBitchoftheEast · 01/09/2008 09:25

When my sis told me she loved my DS as much as her own DS's I was shocked and just a little concerned, as were her DS's, one of whom said to me 'mum loves DS more than she loves us' so I had to explain to him that she would never love anyone as much as them and even if she said it she was just trying to be nice to my DS.

Stupid girl !

And yes I did tell her how she was making her own child feel.

Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:25

Ok, switch it round. my mum loves DH to bits, but if anything happened to him, although she would be shattered by it, it wouldn't be that same completely destroyed soul as your own child. Does that make sense?

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:27

saying "I really could never love anyone the way I love my Dcs"

it's like saying oh i love my kids more thsn you.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 09:27

well i am quite sure that i would not love a dil like i love my dds

i certainly dont love the sils like i love ds and they would find it creepy if i did

Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:27

how is loving your kids more than anyone else wrong?

I'm really baffled by all this.

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:28

wbote, but your sis probably does and whats wrong with that?

nothing!

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:29

I love Psychomum's DC to bits, would leap in front of a car/run into a burning building to save them etc, but in the same example as with my mum & DH - it would not be the same completely hollowed out feeling that Psycho herself would feel if anything happened to them.

ParCark · 01/09/2008 09:29

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 09:29

im baffled too

Bumperlicious · 01/09/2008 09:30

I've read the thread you are talking about and I think 'pathetic' is a bit of an overreaction and you are taking this the completely wrong way. Why are you getting so upset over this?

My MIL has always said to me that she has a different relationship with me than her daughters and consequently a slightly differently relationship with DD, well not so much with dd but a different relationship with me as the mother of her grandchildren.

Absolutely you feel different when it's your daughter having a baby compared to your DIL, for most people (with a few exceptions) it's a completely different relationship.

No one is trying to win mother of the year award (well not for this anyway ) I'm not sure why you think that.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:30

no it isn;t! Most people would say "I don't love anyone the way I love my children" - whats wrong with that? Why do you interpret that as "I love my kids more than you do" most people couldn;t give a stuff how much you love your kids.

This is just an odd thread.

More than most I expect to get wound up by people going on about how they love their chidlren because inevitably someone starts going on about how they couldn;t feel the same about an adotped child. And (on the whole) i manage to ignore it, however even I think that its perfectly normal to love your kids above everyone else!!

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