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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's pathetic, the way people make out you can't love your child inlaws as much as your own children

267 replies

tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:06

just been reading a thread where they are saying that you love or worry about your own dc's more than your dil/sil.
surely it depends on your relationship with them.
what is it with some folk trying to win mother of the year award or something.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 14:35

are you a ypoung grandma tigergirl

i mean a lot of women dont acquire a mil until they are in their thirties or forties

so i doubt these dils are looking or expecting to have a love relationship

a growing fondness for each other hopefully a liking but a lot of people dont get past a polite chat and acquaintance level with their in laws

nailpolish · 01/09/2008 14:37

has it affected how much you love him?

jsut cos i dotn see my mum every day like i did when i was a child doesnt mean i love her less

or my brother

and i woldnt suddenly love someone mre cos they lived in the same stree t as me

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 14:37

yes my dil has a mum of her own, who she gets on well with

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 14:39

living on the same street isnt going to make any difference to a relationship

nailpolish · 01/09/2008 14:39

i wonder what her mother would make of you sayng this

if my dd ever got married i would think it strange her mil saying she loves her like her own daughter

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 14:41

oh I didn't "suddenly" love him less and I do still love him (even if I don't like him) but 10 years of not having him in my life, him not knowing DS, not being there for birthdays, Christmas, cups of coffee, house moves, illness etc has somehow changed that love into somethign a little more remote than it was when I saw him every week and we were an active part of each others lives.

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 14:43

i was going to say xxxx off,but well you you have got me thinking.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 01/09/2008 14:43

kew - but you can look at it like this - its not the fact that you havent seen him in ten years - its the fact that he hasnt helped you or been there to support you in important parts of your life - to me theres a difference
hope that makes sense

titchy · 01/09/2008 14:46

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!

Or are you packing your school bag?

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 14:46

it does make sense Naily and you're partly right. But somehow I do think just being present in some cases can improve your relationship. perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps it is his behaviour but I do feel that him being very absent has changed our relationship - I don't think about him much anymore becasue I'm used to living without him. Perhaps it the quality of the relationship that is changed rather than the degree of love (IYSWIM)

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 14:48

titchy - you're not seriously suggesting tigergirl is a troll are you?

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 14:48

what questions?

OP posts:
titchy · 01/09/2008 14:54

Well tg is a very new poster, has posted a couple of (very slightly) controversial questioning-type posts, apparetnly has 2 adult children, but asks for advice about a 2 year old, which presumably an experienced parent wouldn't need to ask? If I was going to troll I'd set myself up as a genuine poster for a few days then BAM! But maybe that's me!

TG - questions about what happens if the relationshiop between her and your ds breaks down? What if she turns nasty? Would you still love her with all your heart? How long have you know her? If their was a family split where would your loyalties really lie? There's been quite a few other qu's too if you both to read the posts.

titchy · 01/09/2008 14:55

If THERE ws a split, not if their. sorry pedants.

VinegarTits · 01/09/2008 14:58

Tigergirl i cant understand where you are coming from, i think this thread got off to a very bad start because people got confused about what you where trying to say. You obviuosly have a very strong bond with your dil, which is lovely, and i can understand you love her as much as you love your own dc, she is part of your family and therefore you love her like she is one of your own, but is it the same kind of love?(there are differnt kinds of love and love is complex) would you admit that the love for your own dd goes deeper because you gave birth to her, nutrured her, raised her, she is part of you, has your blood running through her, has your looks, expressions, is a part of you? i think this is what people are trying to point out to you. Of course you love them the same, but not the same kind of love iykwim?

pagwatch · 01/09/2008 15:05

I suppose their must be occasions where a MIL develops a deep bond with their DIL but I must confess I think the number of people seriously describing that as an equal relationship as the one with their own child is pretty low.

I can pretty confidently state that I will never love a DIL as much as I love my DD , nor SIL's as much as my DS's. Regardless of how they seem them.

I am truly not trying to be mean but I would seriously be anxious about my relationship with my DD if I started to love equally whoever my DS happens to marry.

TBH I find it hard to imagine loving anyone nearly as much as my DH and DCs .

Sorry - but it does seem a little odd to me. Deeply fond of DIL = fine. love as much as DD = whoa! Thats in my opinion of course

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 15:06

titchy well i wouldn't know until that happned but i know it won't.

i've known her 5 years

i just don't think there would ever be a split.

vt, perhaps that's what that person at work was trying to say.

OP posts:
kerryk · 01/09/2008 15:06

i think i would be really hurt if my mum told my brothers wife that she loved her as much as me and my sister.

she gave birth to my sister and i, looked after us when we were ill, had to be restrained from killing boyfriends who hurt us, went to night school after working full time all day (as did my dad) so that we could have the best of everything.

if she turned round and said that she loved my db's wife as much as me i would be gutted!!!

she has her own mum to love her that much so can can bugger of and leave mine to me

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 15:07

maybe i have been a bit unfair to my dd.

OP posts:
scaredoflove · 01/09/2008 15:08

IF my MIL had said she loved me as much as any of her daughters, I think I would have stayed away from her!!

HAving daughters and sons, I know, although I may grow to love them, I will always love my daughters more

Dropdeadfred · 01/09/2008 15:12

I don't know how you have treated yourdd so don't know if you have ben unfair...
BUT I doknow I would feel very let down by my parents if they said they loved a newcomer to the family as much as the children they had reared from birth...

Tutter · 01/09/2008 15:12

if there were a split, titchy

Tutter · 01/09/2008 15:13

sorry - meant to add a so as not to be too obnoxious

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 15:18

well i have told my dd that i was just as worried about my dil when she gave birth.

do you think i was wrong to say that to my dd?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 01/09/2008 15:19

How would that naturally come up in conversation?

I gues your dd proably thought becase of the unborn gc.? One thing to loveall gc equally.completely different toloving in-laws like your own