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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's pathetic, the way people make out you can't love your child inlaws as much as your own children

267 replies

tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:06

just been reading a thread where they are saying that you love or worry about your own dc's more than your dil/sil.
surely it depends on your relationship with them.
what is it with some folk trying to win mother of the year award or something.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 09:30

is there some hidden agenda here that i am missing i havent seen the original reference thread

hecate · 01/09/2008 09:32

oh, your GRANDCHILDREN! Are you talking about love for your grandchildren? Well that wasn't clear from your op at all.

I would imagine (not being a grandparent yet) that you love your grandchildren just the same whether they are the child of your daughter or of your son.

Are you talking about grandchildren though? You seem to be talking about the partner of your child. If that's what you are on about, then I am back to disagreeing, I wouldn't love my child's spouse as much as I love them. I would love any offspring of that union in the same way whether they were produced by my daughter (hypothetical since I don't have one) and my soninlaw, or produced by my son and my daughterinlaw.

This is getting confusing now.

Bumperlicious · 01/09/2008 09:32

"saying "I really could never love anyone the way I love my Dcs"

it's like saying oh i love my kids more thsn you."

Well most people do love their children more than anyone else? What's wrong with that?

VictorianSqualor · 01/09/2008 09:33

saying "I really could never love anyone the way I love my Dcs"

it's like saying oh i love my kids more thsn you.

Saying to who? Well, Tigersgirl, I do love my kids more, more than everyone else in the world.

Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:33

Do people really think that KC? That's really sad! Any child that I am raising, and child that is my child - be it by childbirth or adoption - I would assume I would feel the same love for. I have never done the whole rush of love thing when they are born though - yes, there is a whole "my baby!" thing, but the actual love takes a few weeks for me.

hatrick · 01/09/2008 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:33

If its about grandchidlren (colour me confused too) then I can only assume that as my mum loves all 6 of her GC's equally (bio from DD, bio from DS and adopted from DD) then I would too.

Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:34

Grandchildren are loved regardless of who their mother/father is are they not? (Apart from in step parent cases where some are clearly loved that little bit less )

hecate · 01/09/2008 09:36

eh? "saying "I really could never love anyone the way I love my Dcs"

it's like saying oh i love my kids more thsn you. "

I am baffled.

I love my kids more than you - do you mean you thing they are saying that they love their kids more than you love your kids? (stupid, imo, you can't compare how much each parent loves their own child and put it on some sort of sliding scale)

Or do you mean that they love their kids more than they love YOU (how daft, of COURSE they do - it's their child!!)

You are not being very clear

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:36

wbote.
"And yes I did tell her how she was making her own child feel"

what do you mean by that?

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:37

she means she told her that her son felt that he was less loved than his cousin - what else could she mean???

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:37

what is not clear?
if my dd and dil where both having babies, i would feel every bit as worried and love for my dil as my dd.

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 09:39

what about if your DIL wasn't having a baby?

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:39

why less though?

why not the same?

it is perfectly fine to love them both the same.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 09:39

well as a child of parents you expect your parents to love you above everyone else and unconditionally

whatever your age

surely no one expects their partner to be loved by parents like that

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:40

still the same

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 01/09/2008 09:40

Do you have a DIL tigergirl?

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:42

falmesparrow - yes people not only think it but they say it to me too! And tbh its probably true - if you can look at a vulnerable child and think "oh I couldn't love you because I didn't give birth to you" then you probably couldn't love them unconditionally. However in the majority of cases I think its that that people haven't been through it and don't understand how its possible - they equate the "instant" love they have for their child at birth with the way you feel about your child for the rest of your life. The reality is that once the oxycitin (sp?) has worn off (post breastfeeding?) the bonding process/feeling isn't much different. I base that comment on conversation woth people who have both bio and adopted childrne.

And of course if you don't have the oxycitin rush then the proces is proabably remarkably simialr (depending on the age of the child)

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:42

yes i do

OP posts:
hatrick · 01/09/2008 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 01/09/2008 09:43

But that's not what you've said tigersgirl.

You've said that people should love their DiL and DD the same, and that by saying 'I could never love anyone the way I love my DC's is like me saying to my DiL 'I love my DD more than I love you', which I don;t thin needs to be said really, I'd like to think she would know that anyway.

I'd love my GC the same though because it was my DS's baby.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:44

I think you are unusual tiger if you can love someone you have only known for a handful of years as an adult the same as someone you have known for decades and from a newborn.

Bumperlicious · 01/09/2008 09:44

Well, if it's about grandchildren, it's a bit different, but yes, DD will probably be closer to my mum and family than DH's, for a number of reasons really. DD is the first grandchild in my family so more of a novelty, we are closer to my family and I am closer to my mum so she has a lot more "input" into DD than my MIL. Also my MIL is 30 years older than my mum, can't spend time with DD on her own while she is still so tiny. So yes there is a difference, but that's not true in all families.

Veering off topic to what KC was saying, it's funny, after DD was born, I did say to DH that I would consider adoption as what I felt for DD didn't feel biological, I didn't feel that rush of love or that sense of "I made her" just that she was mine IYSWIM? Don't know if we would adopt, but I do feel that I could love a non-biological child as equally as DD.

hecate · 01/09/2008 09:46

ah. well, if my dd and my dil were both having babies, I would be equally worried for the safe delivery of the babies, but, I suspect, slightly more worried about the pain, fear, etc of my daughter than my dil. I wouldn't want anything to happen to either of them, I'd be worried about them both. But I'd feel more of a connection to my CHILD'S pain and fear. I just would.

Of course it's fine to love them both the same, if you love them both the same. Why wouldn't that be fine? you feel the way you feel.

I'm not sure though, whether you could love someone else the same as a person you have raised, nurtured, nourished, loved, guided, protected, watched them grow up...raising a child creates a special bond and a different kind of love. There's nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:46

and i have toild both my dd and dil that i love and care for them all the same.
and i was just as worried when my dil gave birth as when my dd did.

OP posts: