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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's pathetic, the way people make out you can't love your child inlaws as much as your own children

267 replies

tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:06

just been reading a thread where they are saying that you love or worry about your own dc's more than your dil/sil.
surely it depends on your relationship with them.
what is it with some folk trying to win mother of the year award or something.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 01/09/2008 09:48

You obviously have a lovely relationship with her and that is wonderful.

My parents love my DH, but they love me more. PIL definitely love DH more than me

I can't really anticipate how I will feel as my children are only small. I suspect I will be the same as my parents though. And I don't think that's a terrible thing.

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 09:48

well it is fine for you to feel equal love for your dd and dil tiger girl

but it wont be the way that everyone feels

pooka · 01/09/2008 09:49

I would say that if I will probably love dd more than I will ever love a DIL married to ds. DD is mine, I have raised and nurtured her. She is a part of me. A DIL will not be this, and will have her own mother to feel that way about her.

BUt any grandchildren - I hope and expect to love all grandchildren, whether children of my dd or my ds, equally. Though if my situation at the moment is an indication, I will probably have a more hands on relationship with my dd's (potential) children. My mother is the person I go to when I'm wrried and upset or need help with my children. I wouldn't say that she loves my children more than my MIL though - it's jsut a slightly different relationship.

hecate · 01/09/2008 09:49

And apols to hatrick for any offence I may have caused you, because of course an adopted child is loved the same as a biological child. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I'm just ashamed to say it didn't occur to me.

hatrick · 01/09/2008 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 09:51

interesting therory hatrick about the buring building.
well i would have to get them both at the same time.

OP posts:
hecate · 01/09/2008 09:51

You feel that way and that's fine. But others don't feel that way and that's fine too. There's no need to lash out and call people 'pathetic' because they do not feel the same way you feel. They are under no obligation to do so and that in no way makes them pathetic or somehow less than you.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:52

"and i was just as worried when my dil gave birth as when my dd did" - thats not the same as saying you love your DIl as much as you love your DD.

I think the "I would die for my DC'S" is overused, I would die for several childrne I know and not all related if an out of control lorry was heading towards them. Think I would only kill for DS though - the primal thought of wanting to rip someones head off if they hurt your DS is rare to feel outside of your DC's. (I think)

hecate · 01/09/2008 09:52

I do. I do mean Kewcumber. Oh bollocks. I apologise for that too.

I should just go back to bed and start again.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 09:54

lol Hecate - I was'nt addressing my comments to you! I know that when most people talk about giving birth and that you "made" your DC's its because its relevant to you and not a comment on how you feel about adoption. Why should adoption be at the forefront of your mind? I'm really talking about people who are tthinking about adoption and saying that they couldn;t possibly. Actually the favorite phase it "Oh you are marvellous, I couldn't possibly adopt" ( in a very worthy and slightly sickly tone)

VictorianSqualor · 01/09/2008 09:56

Tigersgirl, you may not be able to get them both at the same time.
Imagine if they were both really ill in hospital, and needed kidney transplants.
You matched with both of them, but could, obviously, only give one kidney.
Who would you choose? I'd expect most people to say their DD.

Tutter · 01/09/2008 09:56

this is a strange one isn't it

i imagine the vast majority of people would be happy to admit that they love their dc more than any other person on earth

dh would understand this - i'm sure he feels the same

and suggesting that i would love one of the dsses' wives as much as i love them is ludicrous

and - of course - i do not love my mil as much as i do my own mother

am gobsmacked that anyone would be surprised by this

hecate · 01/09/2008 09:57

Thank you Kew, that's exactly it. I'm very glad you know I wasn't implying anything offensive.

Anna8888 · 01/09/2008 09:59

What Tutter said.

beanieb · 01/09/2008 09:59

so is what the op saying...

A couple have a daughter and a son.

that daughter and son get married to other people. The Grand-Parents will always love the offspring of the daughter more than the son?

erm, I can't see how that would be true at all.

IndigoMoon · 01/09/2008 09:59

i commented on this thread. my moms sister feel she has a different relationship with her daughter in law when she was having her children as she would if it had been her daughter.

she loves her grandchildren whole heartedly though and is a very doting grandmother.

ghosty · 01/09/2008 10:06

Haven't read the whole thread but I remember my mother saying that although she loves ALL her grandchildren the same it was very very different for her when I (her daughter) gave birth as opposed to when her DILs (my brother's wives) gave birth. She felt she had more a part in the process and more needed when I was pg compared to when they were pg and with newborns. When I had a problem or worry I spoke to her but my SILs had their own mothers to turn to.
DHs sister hasn't had children yet but we fully expect MIL to be much more 'hands on' when she does had children. MIL had no interest in our babies when I was pg nor indeed when they were born ... she loves them in her own way but we know she will be on hand for her daughter when the time comes.
Very normal I believe ...

Apologies if this is not relevant to thread or if anyone has already posted something similar.

Bumperlicious · 01/09/2008 10:08

It isn't always the GPs choice/fault either. My mum's friend has 2 sons and has a very different relationship and wasn't as involved in the whole GC process as my mum was with me, because her DILs naturally and rightfully love their parents more than their MIL and are closer to them. I think this thread is a bit odd, obviously there will be a lot of different situations, but to call people pathetic for loving their children more than anyone else is just plain wrong.

"and i have toild both my dd and dil that i love and care for them all the same.
and i was just as worried when my dil gave birth as when my dd did. " Tigergirl, are you trying to win mother-in-law or the year award or something...?

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 10:08

i think we all agree we all love the grandchildren the same.

but lots of pople seem to suggest that its the right thing to loved your dd more than your dil.

OP posts:
Tutter · 01/09/2008 10:09

not right, tigergirl, normal and natural

Flamesparrow · 01/09/2008 10:09

Oh that is so crappy Kewcumber - but I agree that you're probably right - if people don't get that a child doesn't have to be biological, then they probably can't love it.

FrannyandZooey · 01/09/2008 10:11

what are you on about? this is bizarre

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 10:11

a dil is a random woman that your son has presumably fallen in love with

you might get on really well and have a good relationship

very few would get as far as a great emotional love bond with her

Original poster
tigergirl · 01/09/2008 10:11

so tutter are you trying to say its not normal or natural to love them both the same?

OP posts:
Tutter · 01/09/2008 10:12

er,

yes

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