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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dead jealous of mums who have their mums helping them?

129 replies

chelsygirl · 15/08/2008 07:50

I know I an unreasinable but I'm so tired and worn out I can't help it

I just want my mumto be able to pop over, help with the kids just occassionally, go for coffee with her, chat about day to day things without having to shout/explain/repeat everything

Its the help I'm desperate for, during the school hols if I had a penny for everyone who's said to me "oh my mums taking the kids" I'd be loaded.

I absolutlely love my mum, she's 81 and I look after her now. I'd just love someone to be helping me out one day, even for 2 minutes.
sorry for the moan

OP posts:
FioFio · 15/08/2008 07:51

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puffylovett · 15/08/2008 07:52

YANBU it's perfectly reasonable to wish for someone to take care of US from time to time ! And it must be so hard to have to take care of your mum AND the kids. You're doing great. Can ytour DH help out, take a couple of days off to give you a break ?

FioFio · 15/08/2008 07:52

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pinkmook · 15/08/2008 07:53

NO YANBU - You sound like you've got a lot on your plate. I don't get as much help off my Mum as a lot of people but I dont have to care for her - and I moan!

You are doing a great job by the sound of it and deserve a little moan.

Hassled · 15/08/2008 07:56

Not BU at all. My Mum died when I was 16 - obviously I would never, ever wish that on anyone else but when my friends talk about their Mums babysitting or popping round to help or whatever I often have a bit of a moment. They take it so much for granted - and really, why shouldn't they? And when my friends moan about their mothers I stifle the urge to say "just be grateful for what you have", which is ridiculous. So yes, I know exactly where you're coming from.

Lizzylou · 15/08/2008 07:57

I know what you mean, Chelsy. I am lucky that my IL's are fairly close by (they have the DC's for the day today as I have a big weekend do to prepare for) and they help out but I miss my Mom (she lives 2.5hrs away). That sounds really ungrateful, but I feel like with my IL's it's the boys they are bothered about (not me so much) so we don't "share" them, they look after them but we don't do things together IYSWIM. MIL used to drop by when DS1 was little and I was at home all day by myself and say "You can get on with your jobs now" meaning she wanted DS1 to herself, I was just desperate for some company!
I agree with Fio, we always want what we haven't got, because I know for a fact that if my Mom lived closer and I saw her more, she'd do my head in!

Lizzylou · 15/08/2008 07:58

Sorry, missed that you care for your Mom now as well as your DC's, that must be tough. I feel very selfish and whining now.

FioFio · 15/08/2008 08:03

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Podrick · 15/08/2008 08:11

Can you get any paid help?

Or can you do a deal with another mum to give each other a break for an afternoon?

rolledhedgehog · 15/08/2008 08:40

It must be so hard. I have no help either as my mum died when my first baby was 14 months. Whilst she was ill I can remember being in a playground looking at a granny with her grandkids and being eaten up with anger and sadness. Four years on and two more children, I try to count my blessings but sometimes when I see friends get so much help from their mothers and MILs I am .

But I am not a carer as well as a mum. Doubly hard for you.

Tommy · 15/08/2008 08:45

YANBU at all - it is unfair but unfortunately that is just the way it goes.

Do you know any older ladies who would love to "adopt" some grandchildren? Do you have friends who you could share childcare with sometimes? Any willing and able teenagers?

VictorianSqualor · 15/08/2008 08:50

I'm quite lucky with DP's mum, she will have the DC's if we ask her but I don't like to ask, especially as my eldest two aren't her grandchildren.

I have no family I'm in contact with though, bar a couple of cousins on facebook so I know where you're coming from. I do get quite fed up when friends don't appreciate their mother's help tbh.

Fanlight · 15/08/2008 08:51

Oh pet

Mind you my mother helps but in quite an undermining way, which brings its own set of problems - it isn't all good

cyteen · 15/08/2008 09:11

YANBU, sounds like pretty hard work for you atm

I'm in the same boat as Hassled in that my mum died when I was a teenager, and I just know I'm going to have unreasonable moments watching my child grow up only knowing my stepmum as Granny. Moan away OP

newpup · 15/08/2008 09:19

I love my mum but she is not a helping out kind of Granny. She only lives an hour away but visits for the afternoon about once or twice a year. She will babysit on rare occasions but I have to have the Dds in bed for her when she comes.

When they were small I was very envious of my friends whose mothers came over and helped or took them shopping. I chose not to go back to work but if I am honest I probably would have gone back, one day a week if my mum could have looked after the DDs.

Having said that , I do understand her point of view they are my children and she has done her child rearing. They are my responsilbilty. She loves them and enjoys seeing them and now they are older it is different but I have to say I would have loved that extra help when they were small.

My sister had her little boy 2 years ago and she lives 20 mins from my parents. I found it really hard that my mum helped her a lot still does. She looks after my nephew 2 days a week when my sister works My mum was quite young still when I had my DDs so maybe she was not ready to be a granny then.

Anyway,I know how it feels to have Granny envy

Khara · 15/08/2008 09:42

I know that feeling. I do have my mum's help in an emergency, if I really need child-care, or very occasionally to babysit when me & dh go out for a meal (about 4x a year.) She lives about 40 miles away and so I don't feel able to drag her over here just because, it has to be planned well in advance and for a real reason. (My ILs live over 200 miles away and we only see them 2x a year.)

I know friends who have mums doing childcare while they work, or taking the kids off their hands on a regular basis. DS2's friend is one of five and the granny has the kids almost as much as the mum during the week. (The mum doesn't work.) I do feel this is what has made the mum be able to have such a large family - she's talking about having another. (In an ideal world I'd like a larger family, but I know I have my hands full with three.)

Having said that, next week mum (and dad) are having ds2 to stay for a couple of days. They had ds1 in February, but they'll only take them one at a time! So there's no way me & dh could ever have a weekend away or anything - we're very lucky to have an evening occasionally. But I know I'm lucky that I have a willing and able mum sometimes to help I know. (One of my friends has lost both her mum and dad recently.) I know this sounds like I'd like my mum around just so I can palm the kids off on her, but actually I'd like my parents living closer just to be able to pop in now and then. I think it would be nice for them to see the kids little and often and be a part of their daily lives. Instead they visit once in a while for a whole day at a time, which is too much especially for my dad, who when he visits is obviously desperate to get away after several hours have elapsed.

domesticslattern · 15/08/2008 10:31

I completely understand.

My mother will play with DD but never babysit, feed, change a nappy, bathe her... she comes straight back to me for the servicing. In fact, she has had more babysitting by my (non-local) exDP's mother than by my (local) mother.

My MIL is no better.

What gets me really riled is friends whose mother/ MIL helps them, and then they complain that she doesn't do exactly what they want. Such as baby signing, feeding exactly on the hour, going to this park instead of that park. I just want to shake them and say "Don't you realise how lucky you are?"

stroppyknickers · 15/08/2008 10:35

I think you are totally right to feel fed up with it! we have to fly my mum here to babysit if we want to go out....about once a year if we are lucky. I want to retrain but have no family to help out, and yes, i do envy people with parents who are always around, picking them up etc from school. Adopt a granny is a good idea. The lasdy across the road is on her own, and has offered to teach my dd to bake. . Poor you.

Babyramone · 15/08/2008 10:40

This thread has made me feel normal. A lot of my mum friends has regular help from parents or inlaws.
My mum would love to help but although only 59 has early onset dementia and though not bad as yet, can't cope with a 4.5 and nearly 2 year old.
My Mil is great and will babysit on occasion for us to go out and once a year would take DS out for day. however this stopped when DD came along. She's a very busy woman and spends everyday doing church visiting and such like. I used to get a bit miffed when the old dears round here grabbed me and commented on how great she was and how she'd at hte drop of a hat rush over. I had bad SPD when pregnant with dd and got upset because she would help them but never came near me.
TBH I don't expect her to help me but feel for kids as I grew up with very hands on grandparents an think would love them to experience this tooo.

littlemissloopy · 15/08/2008 10:44

I was just thinking the same this morning, as I was watching my neighbours mum hanging her washing out for her.

I would love a mum to come and help me out (actually I'd just love a mum....but that's a whole different thread)

So no....YANBU.....I feel the same a lot of the time.

liahgen · 15/08/2008 10:44

my mum passed away when i was 11 yrs old, so have never had a mum to be around.

Hav ebeen married twice and sooo desperate for a nanny to muck in and all that but each time hasn't worked.
1st mil was a witch and current mil, although friendly, is bloody useless.

purpleflower · 15/08/2008 10:47

My mum died when I was 13 and Dads girlfriend is useless. Dad insists on her being called nanny but she really doesn't act like one. The only time I asked her to babysit she said no as she already had her own granddaughter and she couldn't handle 2 1 year olds, my Dad was there and she had 2 kids herself! I know I'm definitely not going to get any help when this one is born. My Dad has had DS a few times during the day when she isn't there though which is nice.

MIL is great and will look after him whenever she can but I feel guilty asking as she works really hard and is exhausted.

It is really hard seeing my brother and SIL go out regularly and have lots of help from her Mum, especially as I know if mum was here she would be fantastic.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

emmalou23 · 15/08/2008 10:53

No YANBU, my mum died when DS was 6 months old and it makes me really sad to think of everything mum has missed out on, she was so happy to become a grandmother. It can sometimes make me envious too when I see grandparents with their grandchildren, not so much because I need a break but because my mum will never get to do those things.

tamarto · 15/08/2008 10:58

YANBU

psychomum5 · 15/08/2008 11:02

YANBU, at all.

I feel like this, lots. and I feel bad for it too, as tho in some way I am wishing that my friends did not have that support.......I am not at all wishing that, I am just wishing some of it for me.

I do have a wonderful MIL, but she also has health probs, and she makes it clear that love the GC, she much prefers to help out only with my girls.....she will make many escuses not to have/help with the boys and that makes me so sad.

my own mum is schizophrenic and has been since I was 18mths (I was raised by my aunt), and I often wish so much that I had a mum to come and chat to me, and just love me in the way that I love my own children. my aunt is a whole other thread tho, so I will not go there....

this week I have been ill, and all I have wanted is a mum to come and mother me and take care of me.....I have never really had that ever!

it really si times like holidays tho that make us all without mums feel that bit more envious tho I think....we see much more what our very lucky friends have and it makes us want it harder IYGWIM.

and for you to be her carer too.....well, hats off to you.

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