To be dead jealous of mums who have their mums helping them?

[chelsygirl]

I know I an unreasinable but I'm so tired and worn out I can't help it

I just want my mumto be able to pop over, help with the kids just occassionally, go for coffee with her, chat about day to day things without having to shout/explain/repeat everything

Its the help I'm desperate for, during the school hols if I had a penny for everyone who's said to me "oh my mums taking the kids" I'd be loaded.

I absolutlely love my mum, she's 81 and I look after her now. I'd just love someone to be helping me out one day, even for 2 minutes.
sorry for the moan

[flowerybeanbag]

YANBU, so am I.

My parents live abroad, so can't help at all. My inlaws are very lovely and willing to help, but they live nearly 3 hours away, so it's a major event for them to do so, and we therefore use it very infrequently. A bit of popping over for some babysitting in a 'sit downstairs watching telly with the monitor' kind of way so we could go out would be lovely.

Irritates me when people take it for granted to the extent of complaining when it's not available when they want it, as if said grandparents ought to be at beck and call and have no right to their own life. I hear a bit of that as well.

[greenlawn]

Poor you. My mum and dad are fabulous - in laws not good at all, but put that to the side for one moment - and we know how utterly lucky we are.

Yes there are times when they don't do things exactly as I want them done myself - but they are incredibly loving and my life/relationship with the children would be very different without them.

Are there no aunts/uncles/friends of a similar age who could help? I have a lovely friend in her 60s who is an "aunty" to my boys, who has no children of her own, and who is adored by mine. She doesn't provide practical help as such, I would never expect that, but its lovely for my boys to have someone else of that age in their life.

[chelsygirl]

thanks for all the replies

whats making it harder these days is that I have one very good "mum" friend who has kids the ages of my 2. She has a mum who drives over to her house every day, collects/takes kids to school, helps with dinner, hangs out washing, babysits, you name it. Which is great, but the problem is my friend keeps asking me, "whats wrong? you look so fed up and tired", sometimes I just say I'm tired and she replies "I'm exhausted" and I can't help but think but you've got your mum helping you out every day, can't you see why I'm a bit fed up?

I know I am being unreasonable, its now my friends fault she has so much help, I just wish she'd stop asking me whats wrong, everytime she asks I feel the tears well up or sometimes I just start crying and its because she's asking me what wrong all the time, I try to expain to her but I feel she just can't see it

[greenlawn]

Chelsygirl, please don't be offended but you sound very very sad. Have you spoken to someone about this, a GP or a health visitor? I know round our way they have voluntary groups to help with parents who are struggling - whether its with advice or giving you a couple of hours break every now and again. Also as a carer this should be available to you.

Maybe when she says she feels exhausted your friend is trying to be sympathetic. I'm very aware of a friend of mine who struggles with her two and no help, and I'll often have one or two of hers over for a couple of hours to give her a break. But at the same time I'm careful not to bang on about how lucky I am with my parents because I don't want her to think I'm rubbing it in!

[chelsygirl]

I'm not offended greenlawn, I am pretty sad about it (there's more to it as usual, with siblings, older than me, being of no use whatsoever), biut I feel its just life and I have to get on with it, I find speaking to anyone who hasn't got an understanding of my situation (like my friend) actually harder, and also I'm not very good at speaking about my deepest feeling, I'd just cry and leave.

I'm the youngest, I was born when mum was in her 40'2 and then I had my kids later in life, so the old mum and young children is a double whammy, but its just life. Its the no help or support I find hard to take. My siblings are useless, thats another thread.

thanks again for all replies, its comforting to know I'm not alone
and the expression "granny envy" makes me smile!

[jellyrolly]

YANBU at all. Like some others here I lost my mum before I had my dcs and feel for you. It must be so hard to be the carer for everyone when you just want someone to care for you.

Maybe a good mn chat and a bit of understanding might take the edge of it? It's the one thing I can't talk to my other mum friends about as they all have their mums around and all help, without exception.

It's okay to secretly be furious with them! I agree that the grass is always greener but the sense of loneliness that comes with the loss of a mum's support is very deep too.

[chelsygirl]

should add dh is brilliant, really great, so no support isn't strictly true, just mean no outside support

[chelsygirl]

riven, I've read your posts on here before, and can I say I really admire you, you have a very hard job and you deserve a medal or at least some help which I've read you never get

[chelsygirl]

jelly, your post just put into words exactly how I feel, thank you

[EffiePerine]

I'd look into any support that is available to you as a carer, you maybe able to get some help that way. You may also find it easier to talk to a stranger than someone who knows you as well

[chelsygirl]

trefus, when I try to tell my freind she just says things like "oh I know its so hard" or "I'm so tired all the time" etc.

one day at the school gates she was saying how she'd nothing in for dinner and I was agreeing, saying we'd nothing in too. so that night we had beans on toast, which is fine, but I had to pop round to her house for something and when I was there her mum came in saying "here's the dinner, oh I've forgotten the veg, I'll just pop put to get it".......I know it's pathetic, but I could have cried, I wanted to say to my friend, why the hell were you moaning, your mum was bringing dinner in? but I realise how ridiculous this makes me sound

I'm being very unreasonable, I actually think I should make a bit of space between me and my friend, she's upsetting me and its not her fault

[seb1]

Chelsygirl, I am like you I am 39 and my mum is 82, ILs are 150 miles away, my brothers are 500 and 3000 miles away and I have 2 kids and DH works antisocial shifts. It is all quite draining at times you just muddle by.

[chelsygirl]

hi seb, you sound like me, but gladly you don't sound as bitter as me, can I ask do you just get on with it, are you an easy going person?

I know I sound quite bitter about all this and I hate feeling this way but I can't seem to help it although I know feling like this does me no favours

[Mercy]

Chelsy, there is a carers section on MN. I'm sure you'd get some support/advice if you posted there.

I have very little help too. My mum lives 200 miles away and can only manage to stay with us a couple of times each year. All of dh's family live in a different country.

I'm not sure what will happen when my mum is no longer able to look after herself (she is a widow, no siblings etc)

Yanbu.

[chelsygirl]

my mums like yours riven, she doesn't want outside help!

[chelsygirl]

I'm packing as we speak

[seb1]

No I don't just get on with it I get peed off. Sometimes I feel like I have another child to deal with. What helps is knowing I can cope with it all, kind off,(maybe not enjoy it) it makes me feel kind off grown up and independent. I won't tell you what I think on a grumpy day though

[glasgowgal]

YANBU. At all!

[seb1]

Oh and I am a worrier Mum says if it was an Olympic sport I would get gold so I am not easy going. Does your Mum phone with a problem, you come up with a solution but she doesn't want it as she is "not that old and useless yet" .