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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dead jealous of mums who have their mums helping them?

129 replies

chelsygirl · 15/08/2008 07:50

I know I an unreasinable but I'm so tired and worn out I can't help it

I just want my mumto be able to pop over, help with the kids just occassionally, go for coffee with her, chat about day to day things without having to shout/explain/repeat everything

Its the help I'm desperate for, during the school hols if I had a penny for everyone who's said to me "oh my mums taking the kids" I'd be loaded.

I absolutlely love my mum, she's 81 and I look after her now. I'd just love someone to be helping me out one day, even for 2 minutes.
sorry for the moan

OP posts:
Lowfat · 15/08/2008 17:40

YANBU -

For me I would love my mum just to chat to me while I iron or cook, but she died when DD was 18mn.

Dont want MIL here though - she's blardy useless and can't even hold a proper conversation!

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 18:02

oh, callender, that's 4 times more than we've ever had any overnight from the ILs.

your mum sounds like sweetkitty's.

i hope they realise how lucky they are to have you two for daughters, because if my mum came over here and expected to be waited on they'd have another thing coming, as much as i would if i went to my parents' house and did FA.

the ILs were here last weekend and basically just sat on the couch whilst we made tea. but they're way, way older than their years unfortunately.

still, they didn't stay overnight they stayed in a lodge and i didn't ask them to, because tbh, at nearly 30 weeks pregnant i really don't have it in me to wait on anyone and look after a 5-year-old with SN and a 2-year-old as well.

falcon · 15/08/2008 18:30

YANBU it's understandable that it'd upset you, however and this isn't directed at you, I don't think anyone has a right to expect their mother or MIL to babysit.

They've done their part in raising you, a general you, and while it's lovely and very helpful if they do, I can't blame them for wanting to spend most of their time doing things that they weren't able to do while they were raising their children.

falcon · 15/08/2008 18:30

YANBU it's understandable that it'd upset you, however and this isn't directed at you, I don't think anyone has a right to expect their mother or MIL to babysit.

They've done their part in raising you, a general you, and while it's lovely and very helpful if they do, I can't blame them for wanting to spend most of their time doing things that they weren't able to do while they were raising their children.

falcon · 15/08/2008 18:31

Apologies for accidentally posting that twice.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 18:32

She doesn't expect that, falcon, she just sounds sad because she's also a carer for her mother who needs help, too, and is sadly too infirm for the mother-daughter relationship many have.

Goober · 15/08/2008 18:32

I feel the same. My Lovely Mum died recently.

falcon · 15/08/2008 18:34

I know she doesn't expect that Expat, hence why I said this isn't directed at you(the OP).

I have every sympathy for her, it's a very sad situation that they can't have the relationship they'd both like.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 18:35
Sad
falcon · 15/08/2008 18:39

Having said that I can't imagine not wanting to help out with family now and again.

falcon · 15/08/2008 18:39

Having said that I can't imagine not wanting to help my family now and again.

falcon · 15/08/2008 18:40

I give up

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 18:41

Same here, falcon!

I hope to be able to help mine out big time.

bodiam08 · 15/08/2008 18:59

YANBU, I would love to have my parents and parents in law closer, but they live 10,000 miles away. Our lives, our choice, but it doesn't make it any easier.

A lot of our friends have returned after having their babies, to have "help", and part of me is proud that we are basically doing it ourselves (with the assistance of paid childcare and some very good friends).

DS1 though is of an age now where he would really benefit from having a close relationship with his extended family, so we are constantly thinking about going back.

I saw one gm once a week when growing up, the other one lived in practically the next suburb so she would babysit, and after school sometimes would bring freshly baked scones. I would love for my DSs to have that sort of relationship with their grannies, and they would bring so much joy to their grannies too (so of course a two way street).

A lot of people do take advantage of their parents as well. I know a granny who is moving to France to getaway from the constant babysitting, friends of my mother's apparently babysit two or three grandchildren 3 or 4 days a week (their son and his wife apparently have a "big" mortgage ).

A middle ground is best for all concerned.

Sorry about your sick mum, and no you are not moaning.

Buff1 · 15/08/2008 19:02

Totally understand and you are NOT BU at all. My Mum died when I was 13 and I missed her all over again when I had DS at aged 39. I feel irrationally jealous when my friends talk about their Mum but I keep these feelings well hidden. Have evil MIL so keep well away from her so instead encourage DS to have good relationships with his aunties.

callandermum · 15/08/2008 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bruhaha · 15/08/2008 19:08

I'm in the same boat as well - my mum had a stroke last year when i was pregnant. She comes to visit once or twice a week and it's really hard looking after her and my ds. She looks fine but mentally her memory is gone and she's shaky
on her feet.

I get really down sometimes when i think of how it should have been - i should have been enjoying my pregnancy with my mum and going shopping etc.

My mum wants to help but she can't and she doesn't understand why she can't - she keeps saying shes fine and nothing wrong with her. My dad is also disabled so it's not like they can take him out together.

Eddas · 15/08/2008 19:17

i feel exactly the same as op. the only difference is my mum died so can't help and i know she was so looking forward to grandchildren, which makes it even harder. I am lucky as my MIL is fantastic butit's not the same as having your own mum. I try not to dwell on 'what if's' but it's so hard

fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 19:30

YANBU. this thread has also made me realise that i am not the only person without family support (although it feels like it sometimes). My mum lives 500 miles away and only helps by offering advice such as "isnt he potty trained yet (he's 11months old), is he still getting bottles etc etc. Natural father is a pathological liar who couldnt be trusted if his life depended on it and dear Step dad died 7 yrs ago. FIL is old and forgetful (doesnt know what day it is let alone how to look after DS) and MIL died 4yrs ago.

Thankfully have wonderful friends and fab neighbour who help out but i do miss having a mum to be there for me.

MrsTittleMouse · 15/08/2008 19:33

Speaking from the other side - I am lucky enough to have family that is willing and able to help, even though they live far away, they come to visit and give me a break. You are not being unreasonable at all. I don't know how I would cope if I didn't have support and I certainly would have a larger age gap. And to be looking after your Mum and your children - I have much respect.

emma1977 · 15/08/2008 22:27

YANBU.

My parents are young, fit and healthy but live 130 miles away and rarely visit more than once/month for a few hours. I am an only child and have no other family. Most of my friends either have young children or work anti-social hours.

My in-laws are 200 miles away, frequently out of the country and not that interested in babies.

Neither GPs offer to do anything other than play with ds or take him for a quick walk in his pram. They certainly don't do nappies, baths, feeding or offer to help with the housework while here (but expect cups of tea and feeding).

Ds is now 8 months old and I we have never had anyone offer to babysit. The longest I have spent away from him was 3 hours when dh looked after him while I got my hair cut. I get so pissed off with my old antenatal group friends planning weekends away without the kids and having on-tap childcare for when they return to work. Yes, I am jealous.

I'm also bloody exhausted!

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 22:30

With the help of sertraline, much exercise, yoga, meditation and my SAD lamp, I have grown to accept the destiny I have created for myself.

Sometimes .

But at present, I would give just about anything for a half-day in Glasgow.

Completely and totally on my own.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 22:31

My parents will be here in November for a month and DH and I are already planning our escapes.

We'll have DS, because he'll be newborn and breastfeeding, but having only a newborn without the other two is a piece of piss.

cthea · 15/08/2008 22:39

I'm one of those who has mum over for summer holidays to help with childcare. Most of the time it's fine. BUT DCs are rarely in bed by 8pm, they have too many sweets & juice, can get away w/o "please" and "thank you" and I can list 1001 other things I'd do differently if I was on my own with them. No coffees together for us either, unless it's at home ("not worth the money" in cafes in town), I have to buy things in secret as she'd query all my purchases. It's like being 14 all over again (did I mention sex when I fear she might hear?). It's good for the DCs, it's easy for me and DH, but there are downsides. My PILs are useless re babysitting.

cthea · 15/08/2008 22:40

Forgot to say of course IANBU. I'd like mum & dad to live at the bottom of the garden and just pop over when I need them, then go back home at 5.30 so I can carry on as normal.