AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

This thread has stuck with me since it was live
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5331502-can-i-ask-you-if-you-grew-up-with-an-absent-mother

Do not give up your children.

OP, you don’t have to answer here, but I’d reflect on whether the core issue is that you don’t want to be a single parent to the children and to have the full-time care indefinitely. If you were happy with that arrangement, the court aspect of it wouldn’t be too stressful, as no court is going to uproot happy children and send them to live with their dad in the US. He wouldn’t have a leg to stand on from a legal perspective, and it would just be a matter of ironing out the logistics of which holidays they spend with him. You aren’t sharing care at the moment so there won’t be the stressors of weekly changeovers and co-parenting in the mix, so it’s not terribly clear where the stress in the situation is stemming from, other than you have three choices (they live with you FT in the UK, they live with him FT in the US, or you move and share care) and you don’t like any of the choices.
What do your children want? Well, your eldest child (the youngest might be a bit young). You don’t have to frame it in a negative or conflicted way, but how would they feel about another international move?

My relative has a custody situation where her DC live in another country. She gets them for every school holiday. It's a bit unusual but it does work. She has a flexible job so basically she is able to look after them in the school holidays. The dad sometimes complains he never gets holidays with them so I think once a year he now goes away with them for a week. But broadly it works for them.

I’ve asked them at various times. They like both the only differentiation is the climate in the winter time. Where their father lives is pretty much hot all year round by British standards at least.

My ex husband and I have both moved on. I don’t see an issue with that at all, his partner seems nice I have met her but she hasn’t met our children yet and I wouldn’t mind if she did they’ve been together long enough that if my ex does love her then she’ll be part of my children’s life at some point. Same way my partner is a great person that makes me happy he’s not replacing my children, children he has yet to meet. It’s not as though either of us live with our partners. You speak as if you know us aha or the dynamic or reasons for our marriage failing and are under the assumption that I don’t care about my children for some reason. My ex didn’t just move to America for the sake of it, any sane person in his situation would have moved in fact it would have been quite cruel if he didn’t. All in all he had to move at that time and still needs to be there it’s just a shame our children are in the middle of this they’re the ones who suffer but life isn’t always linear of as easy as “just move to America” there’s other factors. We didn’t choose to just live in different continents for the fun of it. I think he’s struggling as much as I am with this.

@ByTealWasp you and your ex need to agree which country your DC will be brought up in and therefore which parent needs to move.
I am assuming you both agree that you all need to be in the same country so you can co-parent together? Or are you considering being separated from them?

Your ex is firmly in America because he 'had' to move there. You are in London but 'may' want to move in the future.

TBH @ByTealWasp you need to pick a base that will best suit your DC and your income for at least the next 10 years. This is your hill to die on and it is very much worth fighting for

London has amazing schools. If they are at the American one I know, it's a great school, my only concern would be if they have transitory friendships as I assume fellow pupils may not stay there for their entire education as their parents jobs may head back to the US

BTW @ByTealWasp I know both men and women who have turned down amazing job opportunities to stay near their young DC and ex partner. Staying close to their DC was more important to them.

Some of them have taken a big job in another country when their DC were older, in their teens (usually after GCSEs).

Op, i think what people on this thread are struggling with is that a parent for whatever reason would move to another country. He may love his kids and miss them but he moved. If you accept them moving back to the US and stay in the UK you will have allowed the same set up in reverse.
Unless he was extradited or you are banned from living in the US you are both fighting the wrong battle. You need mediation to work out who is best placed to make a compromise. You've both moved around a lot, why wouldn't another move suddenly not be possible? Work out how you can be in the same country to make joint custody work. That is what your children need.
There is no circumstances (dying parent/sibling, loss of job etc) that would make me move to a different continent than my kids especially at that age. He put something or someone else and his feelings before them and their needs. Not cool. Your need to make it stop, your exhaustion doesn't trump their needs either.
Again the two if you need to step up for your children. They need both parents. Practically the inly solution is one country and shared arrangements.
Moving that much is often not great for kids (despite the plethora if international schools and emotionally cut off adults who'll tell you the loved it, whilst creating a trail of failed relationships). Moving and leaving a parent ....

Gently, OP, I think the challenge is that people are replying to your original post, but that’s not really the situation. You have the children full-time in the UK. Your ex-husband may be advocating for them to move but he doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on, and you both know it. You aren’t thinking of giving in because you are exhausted of litigation and adversarial co-parenting. If you want people to give advice or share relevant things, it will help to know why you are really wanting to let your ex take them to the US, when they have had a tonne of instability and are well established here with you.
Out of interest, what time has he proposed the kids spend with you if they live with him full time?

He did not move back for a job I am confused where this is coming from, I said in the original post a lot of information is identifiable. He had to move back for reasons out of our control and any sane person in his situation would have.

He moved back before the split, he needed to move back for a bit and it was out of his control so we were both back and forth for a while before the divorce. He would come here, I would go there. Not an affair and I don't think he is trying to punish me. Sometimes marriages don't work out, you end up wanting different things, no one gets married and has children to them end up separating. We have known each other for a very long time and will always care about one another, he is the father of my children and cares about them just as much as I do, the living situation is just unfortunate right now for both of us. I think you are just making assumptions to fill gaps albeit I said in my original post I won't share certain details because they are identifiable and my children are under 18 so I can only share so much.

Our children's education is important to both us, both our families would support their education. Two things can be true at the same time, I can value giving my children a good start in life even whilst divorced from their father. I have said there's reasons why I am still in England other than work right now, I can't just up and leave tomorrow.

I think everyone is different, humans aren't a monolith. Good for you for loving your children more than us I suppose I don't know what you want me to say to that, that you are better than us?

Some people manage things differently, he needed to go back and I completely understand why the reasons were out of his control. Its not as though he went back and never came back, he comes back to see the boys once or twice a month sometimes and they were with him for a lot of the summer too.

I think you are just adding things to suit your narrative, I have said consistently that my husband and I both struggle being apart from our children, when they're here he struggles, when they are there I struggle. I wouldn't say I am cut off emotionally you don't even know me, you only know the information I have shared, this is a public forum I am not going to share every little detail. I came here for a bit of perspectives, maybe some people have gone through the same thing, that's all. My children are loved despite the failed marriage. Good for you for being a better parent

He did not go back to the states for a job? I am in England for other reasons other than just work right now, in terms of work I could go back to the states and stay writhing the same workplace but there's other factors at play. If it was as simple as 'just because of work' I would be back in America today aha

It's strange that you've given very identifying info about certain aspects but are refusing to give even basic info about why you both aren't able to change country.

It seems it isn't visa or work reasons. It likely isn't family reasons as you say family are spread elsewhere and that the new partners aren't relevant. Are there other step siblings to consider? Is it health/disability related? It all sounds a bit odd.

Pull up your big girl pants, raise your head, climb out of the gutter you are in, take a deep breath and fight until your last penny!

Do not give up, do not give in. You are not fighting for yourself anymore, you are now fighting for your children.

Unless you are unable to provide for your kids (which it doesn’t sound like that applies) Your kids deserve to have a relationship with both parents - that includes YOU. I would die before I let anyone take my children away from me, let alone take them to another country. I couldn't and would never give up on them. The only way they would end up moving to America without me, would be if I was buried in a box in the ground!

What do you want from this thread OP? Lots of people have given you various legal and ethical opinions but you have refused all of them. You both live on different continents - one of you has to move. We are going round in circles here.

Just send them back to the US since you said they have friends, will return to their old school and will be happy

I hope to god though that your husband doesn’t have to move them again though due to ‘reasons out of his control’ because that really would be messing with their stability

You have said yourself it is possible to move your work to the US and in time your love might pull you that way but also do ask your children what they would like to do before you take any action

I know children cannot make this type of decision but you would be wise to gather their views and wishes

Actually if I was you I would sit them down with your ex and explain in a child friendly way the dilemma and then your husband might hear them say oh we want to stay with mum - and it could stop him
in his tracks (if he is as amazing as you claim)

Totally agree. Your vague and ambiguous responses to pertinent questions, along with vehement assertions about why your husband had to move and why you can't move make it almost impossible to judge whether the entire situation is reasonable or not. Instead of clarifying, you get snappy at people who are asking to understand the circumstances appropriately to give advice. I really don't know what it is you want or expect from this thread.

I don't think I have given much identifiable information. Majority of the parents at my children's school have similar background to us ie either America/half American/half British

Personally do not think it is a pre requisite to post on here, I do not have to share every little detail, the detail I have shared is not identifiable and is detail I am comfortable enough sharing on a public forum.

What do you mean amazing as I claim? I don't need to speak badly about my ex husband, I suppose you know him more than I do?

Neither of us are happy to be in this situation and our children won't just be happy go lucky, not really sure where you got that from. All I said is the state we lived in is the same state their father has returned to, we all lived there for some time and built a bit of a community.

I’m not trying to be snappy with anyone so I apologise for that. I’m simply asking questions of those who are making assumptions without having all the information. What I’m struggling to understand is where some of these assumptions are coming from, particularly when no one seems willing to explain them when I ask them?

I posted because I genuinely wanted a bit of perspective. From the outset I made it clear that I wasn’t going to share every single detail. My children are under the age of 18, and I’ve deliberately kept the information I’ve shared non identifiable because I’m not comfortable sharing more than I feel is necessary. I don’t think I should have to disclose every detail in order to ask for advice or another perspective nor is there a prerequisite that says you must share everything to post here.

I’m happy to hear different opinions, even if people disagree with me, but I would appreciate it if those opinions were based on what I’ve actually shared rather than assumptions. I am not forcing anyone to engage in the thread at all you do not have to.

So your children live in the uk, go to school in the uk, have their family and friends in the uk, have a wealthy father - but you’d rather you paid for their future bills than continue to fight for them to continue with life as they’ve always known it in the uk? You’d rather they were completely uprooted and sent around the world to completely start again with everything.

As a student education in my profession, I always remember being told that students might not remember what you’ve taught them, but they will always remember how you made them feel. You can talk until you’re blue in the face, and say how much you love your children. But to stop fighting to keep them with you? It doesn’t matter what you think or know right now. There’s no way I can see how this wouldn’t destroy their relationship with them. You keep focusing on what you feel, but your children will feel very different in the long run. I sympathise with your situation. But you sound like you’ve made up your mind and just want people to say you’re a good mum and what you’re doing is ok. I understand but can’t respect your decision.

My children have spent the majority of their lives and education in America, rather than England.

Perhaps I didn’t explain myself very clearly in my original post. I’m both British and American, my children were born in the US, and their father is American. Both sides of the family are all over the pace I only have one family member/their other half and kids etc in England currently.

But if we don't know the full details then it is really hard to advise. Its like going to the Drs, wanting a diagnosis but only giving half the relevant information about your symptoms... I totally get why you don't want to disclose private information but I think people are just trying to fill in the gaps.

I would speak to your children and see how they feel deep down, and preferable get a professional child psychotherapist involved so its all done in an age appropriate way. You and your husband can choose the person and could agree to take on board their informed judgement. I think you are so worn down and have a set of beliefs about what your children might feel but I think you don't seem to actually know this detail. It is crucial that this is done before you make any decisions.