Can I ask you, if you grew up with an absent mother...?

[Reonie]

...How are you now?

My mum left the family when we were both under 10, and though I do still have some contact with her, obviously it's been so hard in various ways. I find there is a lot of talk about absent fathers, since that's the norm when a family breaks up. And when it comes to absent mothers, it's mainly focused on narcissists. I would love to have therapy but I genuinely don't think a therapist would be able to understand.

My mum's not a narcissist, she's just not at all up to the job of being a mum. She was a very young mother and my dad's a challenging character. Still, she made some poor decisions when we were young (eg to move to an entirely different bit of the country) and I find it hard to understand that.

It's really hard to find anyone who's had a similar background. If this is you, then do you think you're ok? I think I am mostly ok, I just carry this sadness all the time, and presume I always will.

Not me but a friend of mine her mother had terrible mental health issues and addiction and was very absent from their childhood. They seen her sporadically over the years and it had an awful affect on her and her siblings. More so than people I know who had similar father's.

Oh your poor friend, that's a lot to bear. I hope they had people to care for them.

They had an excellent father who stepped up and cared for them. They always longed and grieved for a mother though. She eventually passed away due to her addiction and weirdly that helped them a lot. It put an end almost to the hopes that she'd come back

My mum left when I was 12, my sister was 10 and my brother 4. She was having an affair with my dad’s best friend. She moved pretty far away after a couple of years (Scotland to London) and then left the country alL together. I kept in touch ok over the years but have been chronically depressed since my late teens and have bpd. I’ve also had an alcohol problem which is much better now. 20 years ago it all got too much and I went NC. She died a few weeks ago without ever trying to get in touch again, and all I feel is relief.
you’re right, absent mums don’t get spoken about much. I’m incredibly lucky to have a brilliant dad, fantastic stepmum and great mil.

If your dad’s a challenging character, do you blame him for driving her away?

I saw my mum roughly once a month as a child from the age of 7. I’m middle aged now with two almost adult dds.
I’m mostly ok, had some low level counselling but ultimately for me it is what it is.
She struggles with communication very passive aggressive but she wouldn’t recognise this. My stepfather colludes with this. There’s now an unspoken tension that she’d like to see more of me now it suits as she is more local. But due to choices she made previously and the circumstances at the time we don’t - and won’t ever - have the relationship she sees others have with their daughters.
I don’t dislike her, she is ok but there will never be a closeness.
I’m more detached about it these days.

That is a lot, isn't it? You're right, absent - crap - mums don't really get talked about, and there doesn't seem to be a lot of support out there for us children. It hit me quite hard when I became a mother but I can now see there's just been so many mountains to scale, you know? Also have had a lot of depression and tbh a drink problem - might have had those anyway, hard to tell.

I don't blame her for not continuing the marriage, not one bit. I have to hold her responsible for rocking up every now and again, playing the saccharine sweet mum character for a few hours, then ultimately moving to the arse end of nowhere without a thought for her child and pre-teen.

@Nomorecoconutboosts Do you think she wants the relationship with you that she sees other mothers have? Mine does, but she can't hold up her end. She used to love saying we were close, but then she'd move again, and not give me a thought for months. I gave up in the end. But for a while it was like being groomed, in a way.

My mum's mum left in the night when my mum was young. It has been devastating for my mum- her mum was a narcissist and her dad too so he didn't provide any love really after mum's mum left. It really has had a monumentally detrimental effect on my mum's life. I feel she has always been living in grief and sadness and has always felt she is not good enough. One of my earliest memories as a child is of my mum telling me about being abandoned by her mum. I felt my mum was not able to love me as she doesn't like women very much and I had a strong personality my mum definitely preferred my brother. So I grew up having the basics covered but no relationship with my mum to speak of really. My mum has always wanted to be someone if that makes sense so is a bit obsessed with famous people and her spurious connections with them I think to feel important or valued somehow as she was abused and neglected as a child. Sadly the knock on effects of her being abandoned are far reaching and the ripple effects to me for example have been damaging.

I haven’t been through this. It sounds awful. I know you don’t see it as the same but my father left when I was 10. Started a new family, didn’t really see me and my sister.

I didn’t think it hurt me too much as a child and we got closer again when I was in my thirties. Last year his partner was very unkind to me and he said some hurtful words. Later I had a panic attack (never had one before) and ended up in such a state and started counselling and was diagnosed with childhood trauma and PTSD - clearly things affected me more than I’d ever thought. Anyway ….. my point is - I also didn’t think the counselling would help, I was v sceptical and exactly like you thought they can’t possibly understand and help. But it was life changing. I did have to face remembering things I’d completely boxed from childhood which was very painful. But now I feel like I’ve finally processed things I didn’t know were affecting me.

I didn't have the same situation because my mum was present but she wasn't involved. She didn't talk to us, hug us, show any interest and was always trying to palm us off on other people. She treated us like unwanted noise so I never felt wanted.

So I can understand a lot of what you're going through because I've never had a mum that other people talk about. I've never had maternal love or support.

I was adopted with a short but intense period of neglect with the foster parents. My adopted (to me, my real) mum died when I was 12 after fighting cancer for some years. There wasn't much parenting going on as she got iller.

It was very hard growing up without her, as she had my back and my father tried at first but was a poor Dad. "not paternal at all" as my uncle said. She wanted very badly to see me reach adulthood but it wasn't to be.

I missed a mum greatly, partly for practical reasons - lessons on hygiene, the unspoken absorbed lessons on how to be a woman. Advice on navigating life's challenges. She wasn't there when my own children were born.

Emotionally, I still struggle each and every day without the sense of having roots, having no solid earth to grow from and flourish. Her death, echoing the first loss, has significantly affected my life in a bad way. She wasn't perfect but she was my loving Mum.

If there is a heaven, I long to see her again.

I haven't always been a good Mum because actually, I didn't really know how to be. So I went to the books and I observed friends' parenting and asked for and got advice. I got better. But I wish, intensely, I could undo some of the early parenting of my autistic older son. Without roots and my own internalized stability, I haven't been able to weather the teenage storms of my older autistic son very well and our relationship has suffered.

@Reonieyes she does seem to expect/want the relationship that other mothers have with their daughters. I think she glosses over the past as if it’s irrelevant to our current relationship…
She is quite self-absorbed, very focused on her health, always has been. Mostly hypochondriacal I’m afraid but again she can’t see that - lack of self awareness.

My mum died when I was 18. Obviously this isn’t remotely comparable to what you’ve been through @Reoniebecause I was an adult and she didn’t leave me voluntarily. However, not having her around for my first steps into adulthood hurt in its own way and so I can empathise even if I can’t truly understand. However, I do have two friends who were badly let down by their mothers in their early teens and have listened to them talk about their experiences. It’s so sad to listen to.

Im a staunch feminist and passionately believe men should be held to account for either abandoning their children financially or emotionally/practically, as so many do. Apart from the biological elements of having children, there shouldn’t really be any difference in what’s expected of fathers as opposed to mothers. But we all know that’s not how society works at present. Mothers and fathers are held to different standards and most of us have bought into the trope about “a mother’s love” at some point. So it’s not surprising that rejection from a female parent might hurt more. It’s seen as against the natural order of things by society more generally, let alone a small child who’s left wondering at some level what it was about himself or herself that wasn’t “enough” for the absent mother to stay.

Rejection is one of the hardest emotions to deal with according to psychologists. Your logical brain can tell you it’s them, not you; that she was too emotionally immature to be a parent and abdicated responsibility like 1000s of fathers the country over have done so. But it still hurts like hell. 💐 Rationalising can help but it doesn’t eradicate it.

I don’t have any words of wisdom Reonie but a lot of sympathy.

My DM was physically there some of the time but emotionally she never checked in. So I wasn't physically abandoned. She has me to keep my DF. She never did anything with me, she never loved me.

The second they broke up that was it. Even though she didn't really raise me because she had no interest I was in her life for nearly 20 years. I was homeless with no money for a while and she never checked on me. Her lack of mothering me did so much damage and allowed abuse to come through the cracks.

I just couldn't imagine having no feelings about my two. But then I prioritise them ahead of everyone. She prioritised everyone, particularly men, ahead of me.

My mum's friend left six children and moved to different country. My mum never blamed her as she said the husband was controlling financially and emotionally abusive. I think she hoped the children would join her but they didn't, whether that was due to legal reasons or not I don't know.

Sadly two of her now adult children have since died from suicide and two from addiction problems. It's a very sad situation and obviously they never got the help they needed to cope with the abandonment, especially if left with an abusive father.

You have my sympathy as I can't imagine what you've gone through. Maybe seeking counselling would help you process everything.

@Resilience most of us have bought into the trope about “a mother’s love” at some point.

Ive come to realise it's not just a trope. The biological bond between mother + child is real, and I don't believe any more that another female can replace the biological mother without serious consequences in many, many cases. The difficulties that adopted children tend to experience (not in every case, of course!) are not just because of the loss of early stability and love, though that counts too.

I say that, and my own primary bond was with my adoptive mother and she is the one that at the core was my mother.

I couldnt' agree more that the way that it's commonly accepted for men to walk away from their child and the mother of their child is appalling. Where there is abuse, it's far better for the father not to be involved. But the casual acceptance that fathers can just up and leave is terrible. There was a thread a few days ago about some man with a 5 week old baby who found his partner's emotional swings too difficult and wanted to leave. It was truly pathetic.

My mum left me and my brother with my addict abusive dad when we were younger. She felt she couldn’t handle him, but it was ok for us to?

I never forgave her. My brother did as an adult and moved to another country to be with her.

Both parents died young (under 50) and it’s the most free I’ve ever felt. I still have my issues, but I don’t have the burden on them ontop of everything else in life.

I hope ur ok @Reonie

I recognise that feeling of not being good enough. I've battled with that all my life, and always felt overlooked (tiny things will send me spiralling). I'm so sorry she wasn't able to be who you needed.

I look at my mum's mum and how cold she was, and I think that some of it is hereditary or at least passed on. 'They'll be fine' sort of thing. I don't think my mother had what you'd call good mothering herself.

My mother was present but unpleasant. She’s now a burden, frankly. I am a better person than her so I work hard on being emotionally warm towards her and keeping her feeling looked after- though it’s never enough.

I recognise some of PPs experiences of missing the guidance of a mum - my social skills are poor, I had no help with personal hygiene type stuff.

All she gave me was shame and expectation. And perhaps a knowledge of how to pass, socially, with strangers or people you need to impress.

I’m sorry if my post sounded judgemental- I was thinking the women who post Here often, controlled and abused through their dc.

The reason I don't go for counselling is that it's practically impossible to explain how it is, to someone who hasn't been through it, not because I don't think it would work. But because men leave, and it's almost socially acceptable (unfortunately), the issues it might cause are far more known. So glad you got help for yours.

So, for example, I carry a lot of shame because I know that people assume I was being sexually abused by my father. I wasn't, but I know that school and friends' mothers kept an eye on the situation. I'm glad they did but that is a lot to cope with aged 10.

I never had any of the mother/daughter rites of passage. I kept all bodily functions to myself and never spoke about them. I did my own laundry because that way if I had any blood stains, they were secret. My friend's mum helped me buy my first bra (thank you). Again, shame, for nothing.

I never had anyone to talk through new clothes with, and my dad did not care. There was a point where I had one pair of trousers that I wore all the time because to ask for help would have made him annoyed. I didn't have help with friendships and I didn't have anyone at all to fight my corner in the family.

I grew up with misogyny from a father and brother who aren't very nice people.

It's not like any of these things are guaranteed if you have a mother, I know they aren't, but if your mum leaves, they evaporate. Whereas if a dad leaves, you still have the chance to have those important bases covered. If that makes sense?

Mine wasn’t absent, It would have been better if she had. She was extremely abusive to all of her children and she seemed to have a real hatred towards me. I’m in my early forties and managed to go completely no contact four years ago. It’s lovely not having her in my life to be honest, I’m not a nasty but I can hand on heart say I hate her. My siblings are all very low contact.

My mum was pretty absent. My father was totally absent, yet my mum has messed me up more. My mum saw me from time to time but was off living her own life, had me some weekends. I tried living with her at age 10 and hated it, she’s chaotic. I lived with other family until I left home.