AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

Does he want to take your kids to the USA and you stay here? If so, you need to keep fighting till the bitter end. I'm sorry. It's not fair. But your relationship with them will never be the same again if you give up and they move away.

Of course that might not be what you're disagreeing over at all. Hard to advise.

People cannot possibly give you advice unless they know what you’re actually talking about.

Are you arguing over who has them for Xmas morning or who has them for the whole of the Xmas holiday?

Are you confident that whatever you give up on now, he won’t go after more or find other ways to make life hard?

Do not give up.

Slow the pepcess if be essary.

Do not give in.

Get help with your mental health.

When I felt mentally low, I didn't think i could look after a tomato.plant.

I went on Sertraline for depression, focused my thoughts and felt better.

Giving him everything he wants won't necessarily improve the situation long term. My ex got everything, not my children because they were older, financially everything he wanted and guess what. He's the same huge, noxious twat he always was. It depends what he wants surely. What are you actually giving up?

He can’t really go for anything else ? I’m not really sure what else he can go for I think for him he’s enjoying this back and forth situation when we could just finally agree and I’m willing to just agree to disagree. We both love our children and all I want is for my children to be happy and stable. This is the answer to that. I’ve tried my hardest but I can’t keep on it’s a lot of money for me and I do have a bit of money left for this but I just don’t think it’s worth it. I could add this money to my children’s savings, university fees etc. The money can go to better use.

Financially we’ve done to an agreement and I earn my own money so that’s no issue to me. The assets we shared have been split equally we’ve never had to argue over that. It’s our children and me agreeing will improve the situation it’s what he’s wanted from the start at the very least he hasn’t changed the arrangement I can be certain after going through this process of back and forth. I’m not worried about him taking anything away from me financially I just don’t feel as though the money I am spending is going to good use. This money could pay my children’s school fees, could be added to their savings accounts etc there’s so much I could use it for rather than go head to head with their father.

I don't understand exactly what you are negotiating about. Do you mean money? Do you mean how often the children see you? They are different things. And how old are your children? They will get to choose who they see and live with as they get older. And is it UK or US law?

I’m not going to on medication because of this ? What? Im feeling this way because of the current situation I’ve never felt this way and can get through it. I’ve only just sent email to my solicitor today, it’s not a rash decision I’ve thought about it for a while, I’ve been having counselling. The solicitors tare yet to respond so I’ll see how I feel after I get a response and after we’ve had a discussion.

We cross posted OP.What arrangement for the children is your ex demanding? Do you mean he wants you not to see them?

All I can think of is he wants the children all the time or most of the time with you getting the odd weekend if youre lucky. Or he wants to relocate to the states with them (if you are in UK). If it's that nuclear no, I wouldnt give in. You sound exhausted and defeated. You need to recharge and refocus.

You need some finality. Make your ex a reasonable offer but say it is your final offer and there will be no more back and forth. Tell him if he won't agree you will go to court because the situation is getting ridiculous

For goodness sake OP, please explain clearly what you are talking about. It's impossible to advise otherwise.

Exactly. We can't say until we know what it is?
50/50? Reasonable.
Full care - No.

Tbh we need to know the arrangements to give advice.

There is a massive difference between him wanting a few more days a year vs wanting to be the residential parent and move them to another country.

Not meaning to derail, but what does this mean for people whose exes are deliberately delaying their divorce? Three years into it and still no closer to a settlement due to stalling, my partner’s life is on hold in so many ways (unable to see his children, living with parents, unable to make financial decisions, second guessing every purchase he makes because it’s likely to be brought up in yet another financial disclosure), should he also keep any relationships on hold too?

If you are that tired of solicitor letters you are seriously thinking of walking away from your own children then it's time to go to court and get it sorted properly. I could give my X everything for peace but never my kids. Have you been to your GP for depression btw, I think you might benefit from some meds while you are going through this.

Is there a reason you are paying school fees? Children move schools/areas all the time.

It sounds like the issue is custody.
FWIW I think giving in and putting money to their education etc instead will only lead to estrangement. Could you do mediation?

The question for me is why this custody issue is not in the hands of the court?

It’s a bit fruitless going back and forth with solicitors!

What contact schedule does he want?

I think you'd always regret not fighting to keep your DC. My exh made splitting up hell. Tried to tell the judge he didn't want a divorce. I wanted a simple 50/50 split after 20 years of marriage but he asked for 80 percent which everyone knows is unreasonable but he kept arguing to drag out the divorce. It took me almost a year and about £17k to get to the end of finances and divorce. I was drained after 4 months. I told solicitor only give me update once every 8 weeks and that I wanted 50 percent and DC living with me and seeing exh ok be week night and EOW. He didn't fight over DC he wasn't me to have house and he keep business. Business worth over 8 times value of house plus I had equal shares in business. I had to go to High Court Chancery Division to get my share. More than anything I didn't want to teach my DC, DD especially that I'd accepted unfairness and her Dad's bullying just for an easier life.

I wanted my children to live with me. He wants them to live with him that’s the crux of it all without going into too much detail. My children are both over the age of 6 and under the age of 10

He wants them 100% of the time? There is no way I would agree to that OP.

surely he's after 50/50? Don't agree to anymore.

Too difficult to answer the specific point with the information you've given as people are thinking this is about whether the kids live in UK vs USA but you may just be arguing 40/60 split and live on the same street.