AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

Never ever give up on your kids. Let him have the rest if you want, but not your kids.

you’re lucky your partner is there, seems to be talking sense.

I’m afraid I agree with your partner, and that there’s a material risk that you will come to deeply regret dropping this particular rope. I do know exactly how you feel, but this is the one fight you may need to take to the end.

That said, it does also depend on what your XH is asking for. There’s a huge difference between, on the one hand, say, he wants 50:50 when you want him to have EOW and, on the other, he wants to take your children to live in a different country. So do have a think about whether your disagreement is just that - a disagreement between rationale adults - or fundamental
unreasonableness on his part. I’d also speak to your solicitors about whether there are means to speed things up, such as bringing mediation to an end early if you don’t think it’s working.

It's not clear what "it" is, what are you proposing to give away?

Material things? Yeah, totally get it.

Arrangements about the children? It depends. If the quibble is over one night a week extra, thats completely different to full custody on the other side of the world.

It depends what it means for your children.

If he just want 50/50 and that's what you are fighting against, then you've done the right thing by your children. Being the cause of conflict between their parents is what is absolutely worse for the children.

However, if you are fighting for them to stay in their school when they've begged you to not move them, then you need to keep fighting.

This isn’t a new thing it’s been ongoing constantly changing in that time I’ve met someone else and he’s aware of the ever changing arrangements with my children and the cost. He doesn’t have children so doesn’t like to give me his opinions on it too much because he can’t really understand.
I just want my children to have a stable childhood despite their father and I not being together. That’s all that’s important to me and I can’t keep up with all these fees, for my ex it’s not that bad because he has infinite money & generation wealth that will not be running out in our lifetime but I do not! I need to have some money left over my children’s school fees, savings, little things here and there for them etc. My ex did not want the divorce and has made everything so incredibly complicated it didn’t happen yesterday it’s been a couple of years now he’s met someone else in that time too. We agree then when it’s working out he wants to change things and I’ve just had enough I’m tired of being so sad all the time. I turned 40 in the summer and I didn’t even want to celebrate with friends and family.

I pretty much let my ex get what he wanted when we split, he still made everything difficult, it took 10 years but I’ve had to block him now for my own mental health, I can’t wait until our children are all 18.

What are you giving up? Time with your children?

Just to add that I 'gave up' when it came to child maintenance, and having to do all the travelling even though it wasn't fair. Many years later, it was the best thing I could have done as my kids got to the point of understanding, totally by themselves, the situation and that has made them respect me whilst losing all respect for their dad and that is priceless, even if it didn't feel like it at all at the time.

I’ve felt like this when divorcing and trying to agree over children - every time a solicitors letter drops through the door, every time you get a text etc even before you read it you’re stressed, anxious, wound up etc. it’s awful and your ex is in control. I had 3 breakdowns as a result of my exs behaviour .

life was hard but now years later I hope my kids appreciate how hard I fought for them.

let him have material things fight for what you think is reasonable for your children’s lives.

bug hugs

I think this is it. My children know I love them we both love them but ultimately he had more money to use than I do. I could continue going back and forth but I don’t think that benefits my children in the long run. I’m sad all the time I’ve never been this sad in my life. I think I’ve gone through all the stages of grief that I’m just willing to accept whatever arrangement he wants for the sake of our children. I don’t want them to see me angry and sad I just want them to have a good childhood despite the circumstances. They’re both in counselling I’m trying my best but my best right now would be to leave this situation alone it’s gone on for too long.

Giving everything up should not include the children. School fees for them? I would rather spend that money ensuring they are with me. That is surely what they would prefer too.
Your posts are very vague so it is difficult to answer accurately. However it seems you were already deep in another relationship before finishing and finalising your previous one with your ex husband and your children. Messy all round for everyone including your children whose welfare and continuity of care should have been to the forefront.

It’s very difficult to say without knowing what him getting everything his way looks like.

But if what that looks like is still good for your kids and is tolerable for you, then I think you are probably making the best choice in an unfair situation. Sometimes there are no good choices but you still have to make a choice.

If he has endless money and you don’t, then he can afford to drag it out endlessly and you can’t. Being financially ruined is not a good outcome. Especially not, as you say, if you still have significant costs to meet for your kids.

So yes, with thise caveats, it looks like this might be your best option. And a stronger one for you to make than the ‘sunken cosy fallacy’ of continuing to pour yet more of your limited supply of money into something with no certain outcome and no foreseeable end.

Also, if you really are sad and depressed and angry. You can’t parent well. Different circumstances, but I went through a prolonged traumatic period when I had kids ( event was not related to the kids). You can’t parent well when you are like that. And it affects them. I missed out on many years of my children’s childhood, even though I was physically with them, I was so destroyed by what I was going to that I wasn’t actually ‘experiencing’ them or their childhood. It’s a terrible thing to miss out on. For you and them.

I thought you meant giving him the house or your car or something, not your DC! Of course you can’t just roll over and let him take your DC away.

It all depends on what you are capitulating on.

Some things are worth fighting for, others aren't.

It is a well known tactic to draw things out as long as possible and increase the costs so that the poorer party is forced to make decisions quickly as they are running out of funds to pay for legal representation

Also never make big decisions when you are HALT:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

You haven’t given any details of what you mean.

The tumble dryer?
The house?
The kids?

I think why the kids need counselling plays into this are they aware of the conflict.
The best piece of advice my solicitor ever gave me was ‘we are not getting into trial by letter’ if he wants to challenge the situation he takes us to court. He followed it up by you can waste years and thousands on letters if it is clear early on that compromise can not be reached then it has to be court.

Op I do understand the feeling. The fight is awful and very damaging - to yourself and the children.

I gave up after two years against a richer ex but that was over finances. My mental health was in ruins and every letter I got from the solicitor was like being punched.

with regard to the children you have to ask what is best for them and fight for that.

you don’t give details so it’s hard to comment but the ages of the children is important. How close are they to deciding for themselves? What is your ex proposing? I do not think sharing these details will be outing anymore than your nationality’s that you have shared.

also worth remembering that even if he wins he may not give up. My ex , 11 years later still makes my life hell at any given opportunity.

good luck

So he wants your Peloton and copper pots? Don't make big decisions when burned out.

Do you mean you wouldn't see your DC at all OP? If so then of course you can't give up! Or just not as often as you like? What is your ex asking for?

OP, can you be a lot clearer on what you are actually fighting over and what it is that you plan to concede?

What is he actually asking for?
If he wants something he would realistically get in court (like 50:50 custody assuming he is basically a decent parent) then agree and save the lawyers fees.
If he is asking for something crazy (like full custody in order to spite you) then charge up your internal batteries and fight on.

You should continue to fight for your kids no matter how drained you are you should keep going. It won’t last forever.