AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

I did say if I could move back tomorrow I could. I cannot right now due to other factors which is why my children are still in here at the moment. I haven’t said I can’t ever move back to America.

It sounds like you need to decide to commit to living in one place from now until your children go to college. This choice is far more important than any job or new partner. Your children and you deserve and need that stability.

It boils down to do you want to live in the UK or the US? If you wish to stay here for good with your children, no US judge will be able to easily fight against it.

Good for you. I quite like America essentially it’s my home regardless of whether I disagree with the politics. We have never lived in a rogue state and I was born in quite a tame state. You’re acting like it’s a war zone if it was that bad I don’t think I’d be able to go back and forth between the states and here or feel comfortable for my children to go back and forth or their father who currently goes back and forth between the US and here.

It was not an easy decision for him but like I’ve said multiple times there are reasons out of his control that he had to go back to the states whether that makes him a bad father in your eyes doesn’t matter because I actually understand his reasons. Our children know why he’s there and have continued to see their father it’s not as though he hasn’t been in contact with them or as though he doesn’t see them.

Realistically how long would it be before you could go back?

It's really hard to see what you wanted from this thread other than for people to tell you it's ok to let your dc go to America with their dad and you stay in the UK. The way you are telling it ex 'can't' not live in America, you 'can't' live there yet but probably can in the future, so there is no option other than one parent living on a different continent from their dc. Since both parents are described as loving and involved you can guarantee that no children would choose this set up. Doesn't mean they'll definitely be bitter and resentful once they are grown-up - they might or might not be.

But what you can guarantee is that childhood is short and both parents are going to miss out on a huge chunk of their children's lives that they'll never get back. Either they get very few holidays with them since the majority will have to be spent with the non--resident parent or they miss out on day to day life with them. The parent-child relationship won't be what it could have been, especially for the non-resident parent, and if that's you and you end up regretting it, which is likely, that's an awful thing to have to live with. I think then that unless the reasons for not being able to move are legally binding one parent should move to allow something approaching 50/50 care. Anything else is a choice not to prioritise the children and that's not a choice I'd be making. It shouldn't necessarily be you but if ex wouldn't do it I would.

I think you're in a very difficult position but you have been incredibly snippy on here. You said several times early on the thread that your situation was more complicated because of being a dual-nationality family and then when a poster said she would never have children with someone of a different nationality you gave the sarky response that 'last time [you] checked [you] didn't grow up in Britain.' The fact is you're dealing with being separated from your dc by the Atlantic Ocean because of who you are and who had children with. Yes, it's not exactly helpful to point it out, but it means that you have to deal with it and its consequences and it's not possible to have everything you want in this situation. It seems that for you the least worst option is having the dc move back to the US without you so that's up to you.

You’re right I don’t know your reasons and I apologise because I think I was too judgemental in my previous post, but it seems odd to me because I don’t think there is a reason that would warrant me living on a different continent to my young children other than literal imprisonment.

You are sharing some details and not others, which is your right and I appreciate you have concerns about outing yourself, but you must realise that from what you have shared it appears that you won’t move back to USA with your kids because of your job and your new partner.

Not necessarily I think people here can be a bit judgmental for no reason. I don’t believe I’ve been snippy I’ve just asked people to elaborate on what they mean with their assumptions without evidence and they seem to not be able to elaborate.

Honestly @ByTealWasp - You're being deliberately obtuse and obscure.

We can't actually help if you don't actually tell us what you would like to happen

Is it:
I would like to raise my DC in the UK with my exDH eventually moving here when he can?

OR
I would like my exDH to have full custody of my DC in the US and I will live in the UK and see them for holidays?

OR:
We both want to co-parent our DC which means one of us would have to relocate. I want to stay in the UK. My ex wants to raise DC in US?

Which is it @ByTealWasp ?

We’re working on incomplete information. You can’t/won’t elaborate on the reasons neither of you can move countries. Hard to advise on scant information. Most women would fight tooth and nail for custody of their children.

So in reality, the cold facts are, that XH has to return to USA
You could, but don’t WANT to return to the USA yet. in order to be primary, or 50/50 parent.
I think you should put your DC before your new partner.
QED

International divorces are shit. I know I'm living through one. They tend to be complicated by distance and travel and sometimes - visa/legalities, other family commitments, finances/work, etc.- there are reasons why its not as simple as staying put for a 50/50 arrangement. And in those circumstances, yes, one parent loses out. I guess what people are challenging is: why does that have to be you?

I understand the legal battle is onerous, and your ex is a loving dad who misses his kids, but just because he keeps pressuring you to find a solution doesn't necessarily mean you can make that happen in a way that is the "right" answer for the kids.

So maybe that's the actual question - irrespective of mum vs dad- what is the better option for the kids - the stable upbringing you want for them. So consider schooling including into secondary, friendships, presence of a parent/childcare if both have full-time work, wider family, extracurriculars. And which option will work better for the kids as they grow up, through their teenage years, uni, etc.? Perhaps you and your ex having that laid out in front of you will open up options for a better solution.

Ok, but you asked if you were being unreasonable to “give your ex everything he wants” and my answer is yes.

You haven’t explained enough to support your thinking, so like everyone else here, I’m only able to go on partial information. That’s your choice, but I don’t know what you were hoping for. Are you actually seeking validation and reassurance that living a continent away from your children is going to have no negative impacts on them, or on you, or on their relationship with you? If so, fair enough, but say so. As pp have mentioned, you’ve argued with every single person who’s commented and told us we’re all wrong, but you haven’t made the material arguments to support your position, so at the moment it’s moot, isn’t it? We don’t understand and therefore can’t support your position.

Indeed. So you can imagine what they will think of you if you just ‘give up.’
This will have lasting consequences for you — and even more for them.
(We have to presume you are talking about relinquishing custody totally to your ex, seeing as your posts are so opaque. )
Many of us cannot comprehend how that would be better for your children in any way.
It seems especially foolhardy to make irrevocable decisions while you are currently tired and despairing of the whole situation.

I don't know you, your children or your partner (obviously...!)

The decision shouldn't have to be relinquishing the children to live in a different country. It's about which parent should move. As the boys currently live in the UK, ex should have to move. You could choose to move. Instead, you have said boys can move to the US- and you will stay here. That's wild.

EX wants you to move to the US- you haven't said if you want this or whether it's possible- but you did refer to some extra hoops you would need to jump through. You haven't said if you would want, or be happy for, or even if it's possible for ex to move back to the UK.

Surely, and this is what I'm really really struggling with, how could you have agreed financial stuff without knowing where and how the children were going to be cared for financially. It's like you both have approached finding a solution backwards.

If country wasn't the issue, what would good look like? And work on compromise from there.

You have grown up in a very international family- what happens if ex has to move again?

I think the assumptions come from a few things….your OP suggested you were exhausted from navigating a high conflict separation and ongoing litigation around the children. You then confirm that isn’t the case and your ex is wonderful, he just misses the children and would ideally like you all to move to America. You have confirmed you cannot move at this stage, which is fine, but you refuse to give any clarity as to why you ACTUALLY want to ship the children off to live with him full-time in the US. You haven’t identified any tangible benefits to the children from sending them to the US, it would
seemingly just mean they miss a different parent. It does seem like your reason for wanting them to move is either guilt around the impact on your ex, or you have found full-time parenting difficult and don’t want to continue that arrangement. That’s totally reasonable, but just be honest about why you want to give up care of your children to him. If he is as wonderful as you say he is, then he won’t be engaged in nasty legal proceedings or contact to fight an unwinnable fight. Even if he was you would simply say ‘ex, I don’t agree to the children moving internationally when they are settled in the UK, we will need the hearing to decide, I won’t discuss it further until then, your solicitor can contact mine in the interim’.

That wasn't my point though. You said a few times that being a dual-nationality household had exacerbated your situation but then when someone basically agreed and said they would never have kids with someone of a different nationality for that reason, you bit her head off and effectively said you weren't dual nationality really as you didn't even grow up in the UK. It just makes you look inconsistent. But the biggest inconsistency of all at the heart of this thread is the fact that you start off painting a picture of a toxic ex/divorce scenario with aggressive lawyers intent on helping you tear each other apart and then you spend every other post saying how great your ex is and how bad you feel for him. No one knows what's really going on, but the bottom line remains that if it is in any way avoidable living on a different continent from your dc should not be allowed to happen.

Right, I’m putting my two cents in despite your snippy attitude because I have been in a similar situation. Married and had children in the US, all parents and children have UK and US citizenship, our family moved to the UK and we then decided to divorce. ExH later moved back to the US, he is a lawyer and dragged me through various courts in both countries for no good reason (that I could see) except to exert control over me and the children. He did share with one of his friends that his goal was to force me back to the US, get the courts to give him custody and keep me impoverished by continually paying him child support. I had done everything I could to co-parent peaceably here in the UK, but I decided not to relocate back to the US because I suspected he would interfere negatively with good parenting on my part. There were some other reasons why I needed to stay in the UK at that time.

I spent an absolute fortune on legal fees but I truly felt I could take better care of the children and frankly I was not going to give up being their day to day parent under any circumstances. Had ExH wanted to co-parent he could have worked with me to make that happen but he clearly was not prepared to do so. He thrived on conflict.

The children are now young adults and have primarily grown up in the UK but spent most holidays in the US with their father. They loved both experiences. However, ExH did eventually marry someone who was very jealous of them and was most unpleasant to them. He also later had serious mental health issues and caused them a lot of distress. One of the children has said he is very grateful he grew up primarily with me and has thanked me for raising him in the UK.

You are clearly exhausted from interminable visits to court and so you need to slow things down to get a break. Your solicitor can advise you on filings that delay proceedings. Gather your energies before you proceed. Currently your children are legally in the UK and if you agree to move them to the US you give up that powerful card. As mothers typically retain care of their children, yours may later feel you gave up on them if you relinquish this now. This is about emotion, not truth or logic, so no amount of explanation at a later stage is likely to undo any sense of rejection. I think you need to either insist they remain in the UK for now, or agree that you all move back to the US. If your ExH cannot agree, then you need to figure out what he will agree to eg can you agree to move back and share parenting in 18 months? Is there some other aspect of parenting that he feels strongly about where you can make concessions eg that they spend every Christmas holiday with him? If you agree to give care and custody of the children to him now you may never have the chance to regain it, and your relationship with your children may never recover.

@aLittleWhiteHorse

Your words are very wise. I think you have hit the nail on the head. Well done on standing your ground and remaining your children's main carer.

One of my friends was abandoned by her mum as a child. Her dad did a good job of brining her up but I think the loss of her mum really affected her, she is now in her 50s.

My partner is American and goes between the states and here all the time. He has a house etc in America where he was born and spent majority of his life there. He has nothing to do with the reason why I cannot move to America right now. Tbh if he was the reason it would be the other way it would benefit him if I was to move back to the states.

I’ve said from the start that we both want to co parent our children together that’s always been the plan. There’s current factors out of control. He didn’t choose to go back home just for the sake of it.

Very sorry you had to go through that.

I have explained I am not being snippy I have just asked people to elaborate on what they mean and they can’t seem to do that for some reason.

We haven’t been to court so I don’t think I’m exhausted from that? We agreed on pretty much everything it was an amicable divorce. It’s just been made complicated recently due to dual citizenship, me being here with the kids and him currently in the states. If it was up to him he wouldn’t have moved back. We’ve always wanted to coparent, we both love our children, they deserve both parents regardless of us not being married anymore. There’s no issues there we go on holiday together with the kids so far so good. I’m not worried that he’ll take the children he hasn’t given me a reason to believe he would do that and I like his new partner they seem happy and she seems like a lovely person from the times I have met her.

Because I dont necessarily look at nationality etc in relationships never really considered such things. Everyone person is different. Others can choose to stick to someone from the same country but that wouldn’t work out for me considering I’ve always been a dual citizen from birth pretty much and spent my time in both countries and other countries growing up due to my parents work.

I have never painted that my ex husband is a horrible person or father I think that’s just something you’ve assumed. I haven’t even said that the solicitors have been aggressive? I’ve said I don’t like the back and forth that’s all.

Me asking people to explain and elaborate what they mean isn’t arguing. Sorry if that’s how it’s come across but that’s not my intention. I’m simply asking what they mean, they’re adding information that I haven’t even shared so it’s normal for me to be confused and ask them to elaborate.

@ByTealWasp i think we’re all struggling to understand how you can have such a good and amicable relationship, whilst also being exhausted from the back and forth. If it’s that stressful that you’re considering giving full custody to your ex, it’s not amicable.

I understand you want to be vague about things, but you need to understand that that will mean people giving you all sorts of random advice / opinions / interpreting in their own way.

I think two things can be true at the same time we can have an amicable divorce but have other new factors that have caused the situation we are in now. Especially as the person who had gone through divorce with the father of my children I think I would be able to know if it’s amicable or not. We both want to coparent we are just in a difficult position right now which is what I’m tired of.

Neither of us wanted to be in this situation, we’d both much rather live in the same continent and country but that’s not the case right now. I have no issues people interpreting all I ask is for them to elaborate on the interpretations which isn’t really happening.