AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

So he wants them to live with him full time in America? I would never agree to that. What do your children want? Wouldn't you want them to fight for them?

You being tired of you both being in a difficult position is not really a good enough reason to give up. What is the difficult position?

Your exH is coming across as a bit of a bully towards you, given that he has said to friends that he is trying to force you to move back to America - where he essentially can control you and impoverish you. I can understand the stress of dealing with lawyers and courts (having been there myself) only my ex had free legal aid and I had to pay.
The issue you have is that your exH for whatever reason has returned to live in America - that is his issue - not yours!! So don't accommodate his wish that you return to America unless it is something that you actively want for you and your children. Keep on with the shared custody (and don't let that go!) but keep in mind what you want from all this. Your ex is constantly making demands, you don't have to acquiesce or respond to them. You can take time to consider them or not. You don't need to jump through hoops. You have your children in this country and that gives you a slight advantage - I'm not sure how old your children are but if this went to court then I suspect that their wishes would be taken in to account here. Your exH is counting on wearing you down to give him what he wants - not what the children want! It is tiring for you living with this but not totally impossible - try going along with the status quo for now. After all, even doing nothing can be a decision in itself.

@ByTealWasp

I think that whatever you and he decide, it needs to be set out legally with each of you having a solicitor/lawyer and whatever agreement you reach being processed via a court decree.

I know you've said you and he have been amicable, and I don't doubt you. But now you're in a situation where your amicability is being put to the test. There is no way this is going to be decided without some 'negative' feelings on one of your parts. Someone is going to be unhappy; either you at having your children live with him full time, or him at the 'status quo' of the children living with you being maintained. Either way, things need to be formalized, especially because this is an 'international' situation. Formalized doesn't mean it can't be altered down the line if need be. Just that what's decided & formalized now will be something no one can argue 'that's not what I meant' or 'I'll didn't say that'.

I think, also, the posters who have made statements about having children with someone 'from another country' sort of have a valid point in so far as the 'basics' go. I realize that your situation isn't that simple in as much as both of you (IIRC) were US raised. I assume that at some point you and he decided to 'try your luck' in the UK and it hasn't worked the way you expected it to. And although it wasn't a situation of a person marrying someone from another country and that person saying "I want to live in my country now, so I'm taking the children there", the result is sort of similar. You and DC are there, your exH is here.

I think that deciding to let your DC go because of exhaustion or frustration is not a good way to make a decision. So I still think that you and he need a cooling off period. Do you think he'd agree to tabling this until the first of the year? This would allow both of you to quietly consider options and seek legal (more) advice.

Everyone is different people aren’t monoliths. If you think my reasons aren’t good enough then that’s your opinion. I have said multiple times there are other factors as to why we are in this predicament.

How will he impoverish me? I do have my own money too I’m not reliant on him for money last I checked. He had more of a generational wealth but it’s not as though I am on the brink of poverty I’m quite privileged in that I don’t have to worry about money. I just don’t want to pay solicitors I think this money could be going to better use for my children’s future. I don’t think he’s made demands , we have both been making the “same demands” just the other way round.
Him returning to the states is an issue for both of us not just him due to the reasons as to why he returned it’s not something he just did just for the sake of it I have explained this from the start.

What do you want? What does he want? What are you expecting from this thread?

I have said what I want and what he wants that’s why we are in this predicament and why I made the post

But why not just say to him ‘look, the kids are happy and settled here, I’m happy for them to spend X amount of the school holidays over with you as you won’t/don’t see them much in term time, if you want to have full custody in the US then you will need to take it to a court hearing. In that case, there isn’t much point continuing to message back and forth, a judge will decide on it. It’s a difficult situation but if you are happy with having the kids full time with you in the UK then it’s actually not an overly complex situation, unless your ex is a bigger problem than you are making out.

@ByTealWasp you really haven't told us what you want. That's why we keep asking you. That's why people are saying you are being snippy

In your last few posts you have (at last) explicitly told us that you and your ex would both like to co-parent your DC.

What would be your ideal scenario? Co-parenting in the UK?

What would your ex's ideal scenario be? Co-parenting in the US? Will he ever be able to return to the UK?

If we know the above at least we know what your stances are and if there's room for compromise

I’ve explained I can’t move to the US currently due to factors that aren’t in my control.

Well then if it’s not a complex situation we wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe it’s easy for others but not for us currently as I’ve explained multiple times he needs to be in the US for other reasons and I need to be in the UK currently it’s not forever but I’ve also said I would move back to the states tomorrow if I could but I can’t.

You have made it quite clear that nothing anyone says here - has or will help you because your situation is complex. It is complex because you and your husband make it that way. If you don't want to pay solicitors fees then don't - and put up or shut up! Or agree to disagree with your exH that this is the situation as it stands and cannot currently be resolved because you both want different things and apparently neither of you is prepared to give way or compromise at this point in time. Added to which until at some point you are both in whichever country at the same time be it the UK or USA - you can't move forward.
Maybe you both need accept the status quo and live with it until something changes and stop using expensive solicitors to fight your battles and sit down and actually talk to each other.

You don’t have to move, he doesn’t have to move. But just keep the kids in the UK with you and they can see him in school holidays. Why on earth are you both not just accepting that it might not be ideal but it’s also not the end of the world. If you are being truthful you have happy and healthy children and you are both amicable in your communication. The kids stay with you in the UK and spend lots of time with him during the school holidays. It’s a fairly common parenting arrangement.
Noone is expecting you or him to move but you are being quite obtuse about why you need to throw your hands in the air and surrender custody of the children to this perfectly amicable and decent man. The only thing I can actually think of is that you don’t want full time care of them

It’s actually so much less complex than navigating a high conflict co-parenting arrangement. Kids stay with you and see him school hols. Facilitate FaceTime whatever amount of times suits you both. The kids are at good ages to maintain that connection. If you are amicable, sorting out child support should be easy enough too. What exactly about keeping the current arrangement is hard? Other than the kids understandably miss him.

Also - if you have a DD then I don’t think sending her to live full time with her father is the best consideration. I have found my DD’s (much more so than my DS’) really need that maternal relationship and guidance as they navigate the world as tweens/teens. My DS’ have been more likely to come to me about delicate issues than their dad, despite him being more involved. YOU have been their primary carer for some time now, unless you really can’t cope any longer, you can’t actually just punt them overseas without impacts on attachment systems etc.

OP, the thing that stands out for me here is this: when they are there I struggle.

What will happen when your DC live in the US full time? How will you cope (that is, not struggle) then?

You’ve said it’s not an option for your ex to return to live in the UK, and it’s not an option for you to move back to the US — and obviously the DC have to live somewhere — which means either you struggle or your ex does. I can see there’s no easy answer here, and I can also see someone ultimately has to give way… You’ve decided (I think) it’s not going to be him, so it has to be you. And perhaps that’s correct — although PPs have suggested it doesn’t have to be — but it sounds to me like a decision made out of hopelessness. I hope you’ll be okay.

Well what are the factors then that “you can’t control” you really are being quite obtuse with the information here yet want advice from strangers.

so I wonder if these “factors” are just another example of the not wanting to work at marriage and a protracted custody discussion. Is it that You don’t want to say because you’d not like the answers you get back from the thread?

I think that poster's meaning is that the complexity is all the back and forth between you and exH. In order to 'simplify' it I think she means to let the courts decide. I pretty much agree. I know it's expensive (trust me, I've just been through a relatively simple legal $eparation) but a good lawyer is always worth what you pay them. And although you have a strong desire to conserve your finances to later benefit your children, it might just be that they will actually benefit more if you spend that money now, on a court decision. You and their dad being 'at each other's throats' (that may be hyperbole, but you get my drift) certainly isn't doing them any good.

TBH, I think your frustration and anxiety levels will decrease if you tell exH that since you and he aren't able to reach an accord (IMHO you never will and you or he capitulating isn't an accord) then it's time for both of you to present your cases to an impartial source and let them make that decision, be that a court mediator or a judge.

I know you and he have been able to be amicable up to now and that's wonderful. But that's pretty easy for two reasonable people in the same geographic area. But unfortunately those days are over and there is no possible compromise.

If that’s what you believe then that’s what you what believe not really sure what you want me to say. I’ve said form the staff I think even in the original post that I’m not going to share every details because this is a public forum. Not necessarily because I don’t like the answers I have no issue with the answers I just ask people to elaborate what they mean and apprently that’s me not liking the responses when it’s just me wanting to understand what people mean. I don’t see that as an issue.

We have two boys

People have elaborated, but given that we don’t know the key issues here, and given that the gaps lead to some implicit contradictions in the story, and given that we have generally all answered “yes, YABU” but you continue to insist that this is the only possible solution (so you really don’t think you ARE BU, but won’t lay out WHY you think this) it’s difficult to know what else to say.

I think that you have to understand that, in the future, particularly for your kids if they become parents, your children will understand that you chose “other factors” over living on the same continent as them and being more active in their lives at that point. They may understand the pragmatic decisions you made or they may not - both would be entirely valid and legitimate reactions. You can influence this by behaving in the right way and loving them really well from a distance but not entirely - just as you can’t influence whether they will get new siblings via their partner and how any blended family arrangement would go. You have to accept that the outcome may or may not be good and live with that, as we all do when we make decisions about parenting and life. No one on here will be able to tell you how it will work out for you - one or two anecdotes either way will make no meaningful difference, so you have to decide whether you can live with what you decide.

I agree and I think I did cover this in a response

If it is truly the case that you and the father are forced to live on separate continents, then what compromise could you possibly be trying to negotiate? What was the goal before you thought about giving up? I still don’t understand how it could possibly work?